Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
So, I have a good friend who really loves the show. We were out with her for St. Patricks Day and she said how she saw this onesie she really wanted to order Trevor. I told her the size, she emailed me at 2am and said she ordered it and hoped it would be there in time for the finale. Well, it arrived, hours before. We decked Trevor out as Pauly D..our own Trevy D, if you will.. We put on his stylish, tight jeans he got for his bday, the onesie and Tom did his hair. He was only missing glitter..
Monday, March 28, 2011
Trevor has been a busy guy lately. We have been going to gymnastics class every week, the library story time, museums, the mall..lots of fun for a little guy! We are anxious for Spring to arrive so we can enjoy outdoor activities! Today, it was gorgeous and sunny, but only got up to 35 degrees. Maybe April will bring warmer weather?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Well, tomorrow is March 27th, the day I was supposed to start IVF stims. Of course, that is not happening. Lets rewind a bit..
This whole week, I was so anxious to get my period. I did everything possible to relax..went for a run, drank wine, read my book, etc. I even went to acupuncture on Tuesday night. When I did that before Trevor's IVF cycle, my late period came 2 hours later. I told myself to give it 24 hours..it came and went. He wanted me to return on Thursday night, but I was so frustrated I didn't even want to lay there for 45 minutes.
They told me Friday was my last chance. I called and spoke with the nurse in the afternoon, who said I could continue to wait or come in on Saturday to find out whats going on. Of course, I wanted to know! Today is CD 34.
I went for blood and ultrasound. She told me I had a thick lining-12.4, but my ovaries were quiet as if I was doing a baseline day 3 ultrasound. I was told to wait on my blood results and we would go from there. They finally called me at 3pm.
She said my blood results showed I ovulated. So, I wait to get a period and if it does not come within a week, to come in for a pregnancy test. I have heard you are more fertile after a miscarriage..but I'm trying to be real here. Although, about 10 days ago, I had the most CM I have ever had in my entire life. I was totally grossed out, in fact. And we have had a lot of sex this month..so Ill give myself a chance of one in a bazillion.
I'm frustrated because I got everything we needed to done to start tomorrow and I'm really bummed I have to wait 2 more weeks. Plus, now I am second guessing starting on April 10th. I'm already stressed about taking the time off work last minute and considering waiting until the summer when its a bit more flexible. But, I feel like as each day passes, its one day less to have with my baby.
Deep down, I really want to hold off on IVF and go to Disney for Mothers Day. Tom got a few unexpected days off and I feel like a little getaway is just what the doctor ordered. Screw Follistim, I need Mickey.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I should be almost 10 weeks pregnant, happy to be 1/4 of the way done!..
Instead, I am not pregnant.
I should be getting excited about our NT scan in a few weeks..
Instead, my next doctors appointment will be a CD3 workup.
I should be ordering Trevor a personalized big brother shirt..
Instead, I will order him a Big Cousin one. That's the only Big he is.
I should be over it..
Instead, I am waist deep in grief.
I should be sporting a little bump..
Instead, I am just chubby.
I should be looking into the infant connector for our stroller..
Instead, I feel like an idiot for splurging on the nice double and bigger car.
I should have been more cautious with my heart..
Instead, I truly believed having a second child wouldn't be as hard as the first time.
I should be excited about my drugs being delivered today..
Instead, I am upset I still don't have my period and may have to wait another few weeks.
I should not be drinking alcohol..
Instead, I look forward to the beer or glass of wine after Trevor's asleep.
I should want to move forward..
Instead, Id give anything to go back.
Monday, March 21, 2011
1-Today is CD 30. I am getting antsy, yet trying hard not to. It occurred to me to try acupuncture! I remember doing it a while back and I was super late for my period. I went and it came HOURS later. I'm calling around tomorrow morning, trying to get an appt. asap. Why not give it a shot?
2-I taught Trevor to say "Help" when he needs something. He uses it the right way..and often. Its super cute.
3-We had a low key weekend. My BFF came into town and I got to hang with her twice. I'm so excited to help her plan her wedding!
4-Speaking of weddings, I have been really on top of plans for Sam's wedding shower in June. I'm trying to space out expense and made all of her invites, bought a tablecloths/plates/etc. from Party City and and am getting ready to purchase her favors. I ordered the outfit Trevor will wear and I could die its so cute. Sam is obsessed with Trevor so she will be equally thrilled. :)
5-I'm crazy about my husband. Like, as crazy as I was when we first started dating. Its such a great feeling. We will celebrate 5 years in May and I am SO proud of what we have conquered together thus far.
6-Why do I torture myself and watch TV shows like One Born Every Minute? All the newborns and birth stories..sigh.
7-Honestly, I'm freaked out at doing IVF again. It went smoothly last time..it doesn't mean it will this time. Its different meds, a different doctor and 2 years later. I'm terrified we will get a call saying we have no embryos or something.
8-Trevor is getting 2 molars right now and is coping very well. He is a bit irritable, but looking at his swollen gums, I don't blame him!
9-I really, really want my sister to name my niece Rylan Faith. I still cant believe Ill be holding a new niece soon. I wonder how it'll feel?
10-After working 10 hours today, I went by my parents, dropped off Trevor and went for a run. This is HUGE! I haven't truly exercised since..uh, before Trevor was made! I am trying hard to stop living my life as thinking I'll be pregnant soon. There is no longer a chance of me having a round belly for summer, so I need to tighten it up so I can feel comfortable in a bikini.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
We had our IVF appointment Friday morning. First up was bloodwork. I had my 3 vials done, which were used to test for infectious diseases. I went back to the waiting room and it was Toms turn. Im waiting, entertaining Trevor, waiting, distracting him from wanting to get out of the stroller..and waiting. I was wondering what was taking so long! They called the next person for blood and he still hadnt returned. Finally, a nurse called me back and said he had a little epsiode. I asked, "He fainted?!" She said no, almost. Apparently, his blood wasnt filling the tubes very quickly, so the nurse was rotating it around, trying to get the blood to flow. He was fine at first and then started to feel nauseous. They had him put his head between his legs and then lay down for a bit! She put us in another room and went to get Tom. I felt bad for him, but have been giving him SUCH a hard time about it. I mean, I have had my blood taken over 100 times because of this IF curse. I had to have 6 blood draws just to confirm my baby was gone..
Unfortunately, he felt crappy the majority of the day. My poor baby. I asked him if he was watching her "swivel stick" his vein and he said yes. That was the problem! Thank God I am the one who has to endure so many blood draws and injections.
Next up was our injection refresher. I am a pro at this! But, I was glad we refreshed about some of the meds I havent used in 2 yrs. Also, some of the medications are completely new to me because its a new clinic. My meds are Follistim, Ganirelix, low dose HCG, the HCG trigger shot, Endometrin and PIO. PIO is not part of the normal protocol, but I requested it again. I used it with IVF #1 and FET #2, both of which I got pregnant with. My meds should arrive on Wednesday. I am still waiting to hear the total cost from the pharmacy.
Last was the consent signing. At this point, Trevor was getting pretty antsy and wanted to use the cool pen Mama got to sign with. One of the receptionists was sweet and got him some stickers and a piece of paper. She is now on my good list at the clinic. :) We had reviewed all of the consents before and talked about our options. We signed my body away and that was it. I paid the $1200 cryo/storage fee. Then, we were off to resume a regular day.
I have until Friday to get my period. Today is day 28. If I get it Friday, I will go in Saturday for monitoring and start injections Sunday. If I start earlier, I'll take BC for a few days. If my body decides it hates me and I miss this group, I will start my injections on April 10th. Retrieval is usually 12 days after starting stims, give or take a day. We got everything taken care of that we needed to. Now we wait for the blood..
I was pretty sad after the appointment. Surprise, surprise! Soon, I will be swimming in a sea of daily injections, crazy hormones, fears for retrieval..do I need to go on? I cant believe we are here. It breaks my heart to think that I weaned Trevor back in October so we could get pregnant again. Its now March.
Today is the first day of Spring. I hope this season brings us closure from a rough winter, more sunshine, fun days outside, a successful IVF cycle and the start to a healthy pregnancy. :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Today is the 16th. One month since I got that phone call. A phone call that changed our life forever.
Ill never forget her voice..when she said I don't have good news for you. Ill never forget calling Tom and repeating the news. I will never forget the car ride home and how much relief I felt to finally cry.
Cry. I don't do it often, but tears are streaming down my face as I type these words.
I think I am worse now than I was a month ago. I was in shock for a long time. Then, we were in limbo and I always had that string of hope that we would go in and see a heart beating inside me. I feel like my heart was put in a blender.
I am promising myself that this is my last sad post. I need to suck it up and move on. I need to come to terms that there wont be a baby in October. I need to start writing a new chapter in our book. A chapter that starts with embryos and ends with a screaming baby.
At least we know that Trevor loves babies as much as I do.
Ill try to post about sunshine and rainbows from now on. Key word is try. This IVF cycle is going to take a lot out of me..and I don't feel like I have much to give. Not to mention, Ill be on my own 99% of the time..every injection and appointment. I really hate these opposite schedules.
I need to give this IVF cycle a place in my heart. I need to have hope and dreams for these babies. They deserve it..
"Little Miss You'll Go Far
Little Miss Hide Your Scars
Little Miss Who You Are
Is So Much More Than You Like To Talk About
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
And it'll be alright again"
Monday, March 14, 2011
I am trying so hard to be happy. I slap on a smile when we meet friends out for lunch; I shake off the pain as I hold a newborn baby. I slide my hand over the shirt hanging in Trevor's closet that reads Big Brother. I dedicate my days to soaking in my son and try hard to be thankful for what I have.
All along, my insides are screaming. I figured it would only hurt a little while. Like every negative I have endured in the past. But last time, it wasn't a negative. It was our baby.
I loved that baby for 2 years. I thought of our frozen embryos often, even when I felt Trevor kicking inside me. I couldn't get my hands on those embryos fast enough. When it was finally time to transfer them, I felt like I was bringing them home.
I had so much doubt through the waiting period..yet, Ive never seen Tom so sure of anything. He was right, we had a fighter! I went from loving some embryos to being IN LOVE with the baby(maybe babies) inside me. From the moment I saw that word on the test, that baby was part of our world.
I had so many hopes and dreams for that little angel. I pictured having two car seats in my car, sending out a Christmas card with a sweet newborn getting a gentle kiss from Trevor, a first trip to Disney to meet the Hopkins family. Our family would be one step closer to complete.
Now, I sit here, empty. Stressed and depressed. With a sarcastic smile and broken heart.
My first OB appointment would have been Friday. Instead, we will go to our IVF appointment. We will talk about medications and appointments. We will pay our fee and have blood taken. We will smile and nod and ask questions. I really cant believe I am doing this again.
But, I will look at Trevor and see WHY I am doing this again.
I just want it to stop hurting, PLEASE tell me it will stop!
Friday, March 11, 2011
I am going to start a new little thing on my blog.. a series of posts with random thoughts and updates. Everything that is in my head right about now. :) Here it goes:
1. I have been sleeping better! But the headaches have been constant. I would be so happy if they would go away!
2. Our IVF cycle was approved by our insurance company. Our big appointment is next Friday.
3. I called and spoke with the nurse to ask my questions. I got almost all the answers I wanted. More details after Fridays appointment.
4. We got Taylor Swift tickets today! AND they're great seats!
5. I have never been more ready for Spring. I took Trevor on a walk today and am looking forward to more 50 degree afternoons spent outside!
6. The new bid at Toms job starts today. He finds out his fate in 2 weeks. Everything can change..the division he works in, hours he works and days off.
7. We have decided to take a trip in October. I'm 99% sure were heading to San Diego! It'll be our late 5 yr. anniversary/early 2nd birthday trip.
8. I'm stressing about where we will move this summer. Our lease is up July 31st and although we are happy here, we need to move closer to Toms work. Were still debating buying/renting again. So many pros and cons!
9. I am fairly confident we will start our IVF cycle on March 27th.
10. I really, really love this picture of us. We look so happy.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Meeting Jodi Picoult the other night was amazing!! Me, my sister and Sam went. We got there early and sat in the 5th row. We talked wedding business and before we knew it, it was 7pm!
Jodi came out and read part of the book. The book is about a couple that is infertile. They go through 4 IVF treatments and finally get pregnant. She loses the baby in her 8th month. (Sam texted me all day BANNING me from reading the book. She says its horrifying and she was crying all day at work. I do plan to read it, after I finish my books from the library.) The couple splits. She becomes a lesbian and he becomes a part of a strict church. Their lives collide when she wants to use their frozen embryos with her new partner. That's pretty much where she left it.
The book was very special to Jodi because he son came to her halfway through writing it and told her that he was gay. She talked a lot about what a family is. She wants her son to be able to have a family someday and not have to jump through so many hoops to do so.
The book comes with a CD that corresponds with the chapters. She wrote the lyrics to it and a friend came along to sing. She sang 3 of the songs, all of which were pretty.
She answered questions for 45 minutes. I really just love her. She was funny, ridiculously smart, nice..everything I pictured.
One question was about the ending of My Sisters Keeper being changed in the movie. She said she found out when someone else emailed her about it! She tried to contact the director and he wouldn't answer her. She went to the set and got kicked off! Since the movie did terrible because her readers were mad the ending was different, the director has since been fired.
The most exciting news of the night was when she said that ELLEN Degeneres has the rights to her new book! I can only imagine what she will do with it. I adore both women, so I was jumping up and down in my seat!
After questions, they played the movie on the big screen of the theatre while others had their books signed. Luckily, we were in the 20's and got called right away. The actual signing was quick..we just said hello and got a blurry picture.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Trevor is nearly 16 months now and is our little sponge. He is learning new things every day and is so much fun. I never want to forget this time, so here is my attempt to record it.
He pretends he is sleeping. He makes the ha-shoo, ha-shoo snoring sound and lay down. We learned it at his music class. We would pretend we were sleeping and be woken up by instruments!
Speaking of which, he still looooves music. He dances in the car, if we are in a store, at home, any time he hears a good beat. Also, he likes when I sing to him. He sits on my lap, facing me and we sing and do hand motions for..Itsy Bitsy Spider, Pat-a-Cake, Twinkle Twinkle, etc. He signs more and gets so excited.
I watched him fall in love with Tyler last weekend. Tyler has always adored Trevor and Trevor is starting to return the love. They pushed each other around in the doll stroller, shared ice cream, gave kisses, chased each other and so much more. They going to be fun this summer, but a lot of trouble.
He has started to really play in his bed. More at nap time than night time. He takes the 4 animals off his mobile and throws them. Sometimes, he throws the other stuff in his crib out too. Tommy and I laugh when we are sitting together and hear him giggling after he has been in bed for 30 minutes.
He calls for Dada when he wake up from nap..only when Daddy is home. I don't know HOW he knows when he is there. He has never called for him while he has been gone.
Trevor finally says Baba. And boy, he says it a lot. He calls all of his cups baba. He has been drinking more lately, which is great! He is still taking 2 bottles a day. 1 in the morning and 1 before bed. Otherwise, its sippys all day.
His vocabulary is growing every day. New words are Up, close, please(SO CUTE!), Nanan(which is the ninny/pacifier), fish, yes, no, etc. He has been putting two words together. More snack, my baba. His newest word is please. It sounds like ease and its so soft and sweet. My favorite word, other than Mama!
He gives the best kisses..he makes the mmmmm sound and goes right for the lips. He blow kisses, too.
Trevor picked up playing peek a boo and has become quite the tickle monster. He makes this funny noise with his mouth(like when we say tickle, tickle fast) and rolls his wrists and tickles whoever is around. He thinks its hilarious.
He loves the giant giraffe next to his bed and usually asks to kiss/ride him after nap. I would say his favorite animal is a monkey, though. He has ahh, ahh when you ask what a monkey says or if he spots one. He has caught me off guard at places like Target and the mall and just started making the noise. He growls for the dog and says baa for the sheep.
Trevor loves when we growl/roar at him. Last week, we were driving home from dinner and Tom and I were both doing this. Trevor was laughing so hard. All of a sudden, he started commanding us to who should be roaring at him. He would yell DADADADA from the backseat until Tom did it. Then, he would request my roar with MAMAMAM. This went back and forth for while. Tom and I both laughed and said how this was one of the first times Trevor was "calling the shots!"
We started Mommy and Me gymnastics last week. I have been waiting for this day for a long time! Trevor was a rock star. You never would have guessed it was his first class. He followed directions, ran around grinning from ear to ear, didn't get upset when we had to move to the next activity. He loved the jump house, hula hoops and pit the most. There was a 21 month old boy there that he really hit it off with. They were playing together, giggling and hugging! I thought-I wish it were that easy for me to make friends!
We went to the mall to buy him new shoes a few days ago. Again, Trevor was an angel. He sat nice while the lady fitted him and tried on a few different pairs. He stuck his foot out willingly and you could tell he was really testing the shoes out as he walked around. The woman said how she could tell we spend a lot of time together. It was a compliment that warmed my heart. Trevor is a delight and its nice when others notice it too.
He understands everything. I mean everything. The other night, I was looking up a phone number on the computer and was too lazy to walk over to my purse and grab my cell. I asked Tom to throw me his. His was hijacked by Trevor and left on the floor in the other room. Tom asked Trevor to bring Daddy's phone to Mama. Sure enough, he walked it right over. Tom and I totally air high-fived at this. He is our little helper now!
He loves brushing his teeth. If you ask him if he wants to, he marches to his bathroom, opens the drawer, grabs the brush and paste and hands it to you. Pretty impressive!
Trevor has been a little bit pickier with foods lately and I am not happy about it. Every meal I go through the list of options and I always feel like we JUST fed him that. Its frustrating and I am hoping he starts eating better soon.
He loves holding hands. He likes that now I give him a chance to walk places while holding my hand. He does such a good job.
I say it every time, but he is our world. Trevor is the center that Tom and I revolve around. These past months have been so hard on us as a family and were so thankful we have Trevor.
Monday, March 7, 2011
My beta came back at zero today. I never thought Id be so happy to not be pregnant!
Hopefully, I can start to close that painful chapter of our life. I'm taking it one day at a time.
That's step 2 in our IVF checklist. Next up? Approval from insurance and an appointment on March 18th!
I'm still in denial I have to do another full IVF cycle..to just have the chance to get pregnant..
On a happy note, I am SO excited I get to meet my favorite author tomorrow night. Jodi Picoult..you may have heard of her. :-) She is doing a book signing at a local theatre. She will be giving a 1 hour presentation and then you get her new book and then you get to meet her and get her autograph. I am pumped! Her new books talks about IVF, I am dying to read it!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I gotta say, I am really missing my old clinic.
Tom and I both agree we are unhappy with our clinic, but should stay with them. The main reason? They have the highest success rate with IVF in the Midwest. If we wanted to get a second opinion, I would have to make a regular gyno appt, get a referral to a different RE, make a consult, get all of my paperwork sent over to them..ALL to be told we need IVF to make babies. Seems silly, no? That would put us back a few months which is something we do not want right now. We will move forward with fresh IVF cycle #2 with clinic #2.
Of course, I miss my old clinic because they got me pregnant. I wonder if I had my FET's done there if they would have been successful?
Really, the main thing we miss, is their compassion. I had one nurse and one doctor at clinic #1. That way, I was always dealing with the same people. They knew my story and could always help. At clinic #2, there is only one doctor, but many nurses. When I get a call or place one, I never know who I am talking to. Sometimes, I have to refresh them on whats going on right now. I never even got a congratulations from the nurse that called with my first great beta..before we knew it was going downhill.
I always feel like they're rushing me off the phone. I was in a terrible place for weeks, constantly waiting on phone calls with blood results. They would just give me the number, simple instructions if needed and rush to hang up. I am NOT the patient to be a burden and constantly have concerns..but when you are losing your baby and possibly having an ectopic pregnancy..I HAD CONCERNS!
I had to request that 4th blood work appointment. And then she went on to tell me how they were monitoring me closely. I felt like screaming-NO, you wouldn't have even known this was going on if I hadn't demanded to come in today! I also had to request my ultrasound, after I explained I would not take an injection without ruling everything out first.
At our WTF appointment a few weeks ago, I walked away crying. A huge part of that was because of the doctor. He is nice..but too formal. It would have been nice to hear that he was sorry we lost the baby. It would have been nice to hear him say we will get you pregnant again!! He was full of numbers and facts..a little compassion would have been nice. Tom totally agrees with me now, after joining me for that appointment.
The nicest person at the office? The older man that draws the blood. He was the only person who told me congrats after my first blood draws. He also was the only person who looked at me and said, Are you okay? and how sorry he was about the loss.
Also, I like the patient portal. We have a website I can sign in to that has all of our info. It was handy for me to compare my second FET cycle with the first. I wanted to see the differences. Toms SA results will post there. Any consents we will be signing are available. A flow sheet with my current and past cycles are listed. On the right, it says COMPLETE under Thaw 1 & 2. Yet, FET #2 is so not complete..its left me with a broken heart, headaches and insomnia!
It will come in handy even more for the IVF cycle. There are more drugs and appointments. It will surely help me keep track of things. I am really not looking forward to that drive every other day with gas prices being close to $4 around here.
So, we will start our new cycle soon..check in with our patient portal every day..and let the phlebotomist know how kind he is. Do you think I could bring in baked goodies and label them for him ONLY!?
Friday, March 4, 2011
I took Trevor in for his late 15 month appointment today. I wasn't liking his ped's office and decided to switch after they handled his last illness(ear infection & secondary pneumonia) so poorly. A friend recommended the new office, so I decided to call the insurance and switch over.
I freakin' love the new office! The waiting room is big, clean and warm. There is a sick side and a well side, divided by a huge fish tank. I just loved the feeling sitting there. We went back and the nurse was so sweet and the room was huge. Trevor was running, tickling the nurse and just having fun. He is currently 23 lbs. and 32 inches. Tall and thin! We only waited a minute or two before the doc came in. I loved her! She was young and kind. She asked me a million questions..what he eats, when he sleeps, how many words he says, etc. This is exactly what I wanted. The other office was always in and out of the room, no questions asked if I didn't have any concerns. She examined him and said he looked perfect, of course. We return at 18 months!
Of course, he had 2 shots that I was dreading. The nurse came back and I gave him a sucker. The kid didn't even flinch while having 2 needles poked in his thighs! I was soo happy that he didn't get upset. I scheduled his appointment for May and left there feeling thankful I decided to switch!
Then, my day went downhill. You see, one of our good friends had a baby yesterday. Today, my other friend had her baby boy. Also today, a friend announced she is due in September. I came home, looked at Tom and told him I feel this big right now. I was supposed to have a baby in October. Ill never get to announce the news. I just couldn't take it anymore. The tears came. We are going to visit one of the friends at the hospital tomorrow. I always said I wouldn't let infertility hold me back from my life; our life. Well, right now, it is RULING my life. I need to get a grip and stop allowing that to happen. For Tom and for this little boy:
I came home and contacted a local RESOLVE group. There's a meeting on March 17th and I hope I can find the courage to attend. I also went to the mall and found 3 dresses-one for my sisters sprinkle, one for a May wedding and one for our 5 yr anniversary. Retail therapy is necessary sometimes. Trevor walked away with 2 new pair of shoes..so it was a successful night.
Tom went in for his SA this morning. Check #1 off the to-do list. I go back for blood work on Monday morning. I have already been in contact with the drug company. They will sent my baby in a box on March 23rd. I am still bleeding, so I am not getting my hopes up for starting the cycle on March 27th. If it happens, great. If not, life will go on.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I feel like this miscarriage is haunting me.
Its all I think about. I cant get it out of my head.
We made our IVF consent signing appointment for March 18th. All I can think is that was supposed to be our first OB appointment.
I should be almost 7 weeks today. I would have seen my sweet babies hearts beating away. And fallen madly in love.
October 22nd has a giant red X on it. I cant even imagine how it will feel as that date approaches.
I wish I could just shake this. Wake up one day and be happy.
Hell, I can't even sleep through the night.
I got a pack of newborn diapers in the mail the other day, for my sister. I should have been ordering them for me.
I still find myself dwelling on the question-"Why could the test have just said NO?"