Beta came back at 145 today. 145!! This is great news!
I got what I wanted. A miscarriage.
I return next Monday for a final beta. It better be zero!
More good news? Dr. M. has an IVF group beginning March 27th. If I can get in on that, I would have the retrieval and transfer while I am off work for a week in April. This would be ideal.
We have a lot of hoops to jump through in order for that to work.
1-semen analysis(changed to this coming Friday)
2-beta becomes zero
3-approval from insurance
4-sign consents/pay $1200.00
6-period on time
7-day 3 testing
8-possible hsg due to miscarriage
I think that is everything. I'm going to call tomorrow and let them know I want to cycle next month. I have 3 issues I want to talk about, too.
1-How many embryos to transfer? Doc said he would only do 2. Yet, he was willing to do 3 with our FET. We really, really want to do 3.
2-On the consent forms, there are only 2 choices for what to do with extra embryos if we would both pass away. You can destroy them or donate to another couple. With our old clinic, we chose to leave them to my sister. I would like to do that again.
3-I don't think they do PIO standard for IVF. I will need to request it, as I did for the FETs.
Yah, I have done a lot of thinking today. For the first time in weeks, I feel hopeful. I missed that.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Beta came back at 145 today. 145!! This is great news!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
My appointment was at 9:45am on Friday. I had Tom come with me, in case anything crazy happened. We went back and had my blood drawn. Then, I had a very thorough ultrasound. What did they find? NOTHING! Nothing in the uterus, a thick lining, no cysts or masses on my ovaries, etc. Everything looked just fine. Other than there wasn't a baby in there.
She gave me paperwork on the injection and also gave me the prescription. We drove home, let down from the appointment. We dropped the script and told them we would call if we wanted it filled. She called me at 1pm and said my level dropped to 534. I was SO happy to avoid the injection. I was seriously going to grill her if she called and said I needed it. I was uneasy about all the effects of it. I am very happy the level is decreasing on its own. I return tomorrow for another blood draw. I am really tired of driving 30 minutes to the clinic, at 6am, before working 10 hours. I hope tomorrows number is way down and I can wait another week to return!
So, we still don't know. Ectopic or miscarriage? I don't know if we will ever be sure..depends on what tomorrow brings. I was leaning toward preferring the ectopic, as long as my body can rid it naturally. I didn't like the thought of my body losing the baby via miscarriage. With an ectopic, the baby(maybe babies) tried hard to hold on, just in the wrong spot. Now, after reading all the aftermath of an ectopic pregnancy, Id be happier with a miscarriage. They happen ALL the time and most women go on to have viable pregnancies. Id be happier with a miscarriage..did I really just write that?
Mentally, I'm not okay. I think about it 24/7. I wish I could just get a 5 minute break from myself. Everything is a reminder of what could have been.
These Rascal Flatts lyrics describe it perfectly.
"It's not supposed to go like that
It's not intended to end that way
Life is a journey constantly turning
Down an unknown path
But it's not supposed to go like that"
There are two things I keep focusing on that I need to get out of my head.
#1-My kids being 2 yrs apart. I have always, always wanted this. Trevor would have been within weeks of 2 when this baby was born. Now, he will clearly be 2, maybe even 3, before he gets a sibling. This is not the end of the world, but it really makes me sad.
#2-We only have 2 retrievals left. I keep thinking about how we've put 6 embryos in and only got 1 child. What if we do a full IVF and it still doesn't work? What if we try FETs again? Obviously, they don't agree with my body. My insurance covers 2 more retrievals in my lifetime. I'm 24, with one child and I want 4 more. I don't like the odds of that.
Tom keeps telling me not to focus on that and know that if we need to do more IVF cycles than our insurance alots, we would make it work. Take out a loan, work overtime, whatever it takes.
I wish I knew what I needed to heal. Will it take until I get pregnant again?
Ill tell you one thing, I have never been more in love with Tom. I cant get over these feelings I have for him..almost like when we first started dating. I'm so thankful this has brought us closer, rather than strained our marriage. I feel like we can get through anything, as long as were doing it together.
Oh, and this other little guy helps too. We've actually done more than just doctor visits the past few weeks. Here's a recap:
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I need to take a time out and rave about my husband. Today is the perfect opportunity, because its his birthday! My love is 25 now. Yay for being able to rent a car at a reasonable rate!
Ive always talked highly of my husband on here. We have endured a lot together and our bond is constantly getting stronger. There are days when I stop and say, "Do you have any idea how much I love you?" He always says yes, but I don't think he has any clue.
Tom has been my glue the last week. I got the call from the nurse on Wednesday afternoon. I had to keep it together..for 5 hours! I didn't want to cry in front of the kids. I couldn't talk on the phone because I knew if the tears started, they wouldn't stop. I gave Tom a quick call and told him the news. Then, I just texted him until I got off. He offered to come over, but I knew that I couldn't handle seeing him.
I left work and lost it. Cried harder than I have in my entire life. I got home, with puffy eyes and a runny nose and he just hugged me. He moved the ultrasound pic and note to the side of the fridge, out of direct sight. He changed the background pic on our computer from a newborn on of Trevor to a recent one. Subtle little things..trying to make it easier for me.
I sobbed on and off that night. Sidenote-It amazes me how Trevor knew to be sweet. He was hugging me and very concerned about me. Anyway, Tom kept his head held high, even though I knew he was devastated too. He just rubbed my back, told me it would be okay and never left my side.
He held out hope until our blood draw on Friday. When the results came back, I saw defeat in his eyes. I saw my husband cry. I can count on one hand how many times Ive seen him break down. I felt awful.
Since Friday, Tom has been super husband. Hes constantly checking in with me, telling me we can talk if I want to, leaving our future cycle plans in my hands, etc. He is the definition of supportive. Hes already optimistic about our next cycle, something I am lacking.
I'm just so sad for him. I watched him walk around with this goofy smile for the week we were pregnant. He was going to be a Dad of two. Have two sons, or maybe a daughter! He was glowing, I swear. I feel like I took that joy away from him. That was my birthday gift to him..a baby in my uterus. Now that its gone, I have nothing to give.
TJR-Your birthday is bittersweet this year. Not only because you're halfway to thirty. ;) I love you more today than I did yesterday. Thank you for being my other half and Trevor's father. I promise to get that sparkle back in your eye, whatever it takes. Forever and ever, babe.
At the Auto Show last week, look at those smiles!
**Update since my last pot**
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
You have to be SO SICK of reading my crappy posts.
I am certainly sick of writing them!
Well, my beta went way up to 648 today. You have got to be kidding me!
Nurse said its very likely ectopic. I go back Friday to get blood work again and then they will call me to return in the afternoon for the methotrexate injection.
I am aching for this to just be over. Negative beta, no more bleeding.
How am I supposed to find closure when the wound is still WIDE open?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Yesterday morning, we met with Dr. M. We drove out to a different office and I am thankful we don't have to drive there every time! We had a lot of questions to ask and hoped to walk away feeling confident and at peace.
We started from the beginning and asked what happened with our first FET. He said it went beautifully, just didn't work. Exactly what I thought.
We talked a lot about this FET. He still is unsure whether its a miscarriage or ectopic. We talked about steps that would need to be taken..even as far as a D & C, if needed. I surely hope my body can do this naturally and I can avoid any more medical intervention. I asked if it was a good or bad thing we got pregnant and lost it this cycle, he said neither.
We talked about our next steps, of course. IVF is our best option. In fact, our doc has the best success rates in the Midwest, 58% with fresh IVF and my age group. We asked how many he would transfer and he said 2 max.
For us to do an IVF cycle with him, we need updates infectious disease blood work, a day 3 blood work and ultrasound for me, semen analysis for Tom, and both of us to sign consents.
Since he is a one man practice, he groups his IVF's together(which makes me feel like a herded cattle). Apparently, they run every 2 weeks, beginning on Sundays. The next group is March 6th. Depending on when I get a period, I may have to go on BC to wait until the cycle starts. He said from day 1 to transfer, its about 17 days. That seems fast to me! I asked if all retrievals are done in the AM, since Tommy has no flexibility with work. He said yes, 99% of the time.
I left the appointment and as soon as we got in the car I started to cry. Hearing the word miscarriage over and over again hurt really bad. I haven't said it out loud yet..I cant believe I joined the club.
Knowing what obstacles we have to go through to get pregnant again and stay pregnant..I am simply terrified. I dread the injections I have to do myself, the daily appointments, the stress of taking off work last minute, going through retrieval again, the uneasy feelings as you wait to hear how many eggs they got, embryos you have..Now, I will have constant worry even if I see two pink lines again..on to the beta draws and until I see a beating heart inside me. IVF is no walk in the park.
I think deep down, I thought it would be easier after Trevor. I mean, my body did great being pregnant. I hoped it would figure out the getting pregnant part. Now, I cant even stay pregnant, so I am one hot mess.
Trevor and I had planned for weeks to go downtown with my family today, since I had the day off. I felt a lot of pressure down low all afternoon, like I could start gushing blood at any moment. I went to the bathroom and saw pink. On the way home from our day downtown, I figured I would call a nurse and get some appointments set up. I added my extra blood work and ultrasound for Wednesday, along with my hcg check. I set up a SA, blood work and consent signing appt for Tom for Friday. The nurse went on to tell me about how we have to pay upfront for the $1200 freezing/storage fee. I was shocked by this number, as it is double what my old clinic charged. And its so not in our budget to be paid on Friday. Or ever for that matter.
I get off the phone, thinking that if my hcg level cooperates, we just might get in on this March 6th batch. Sure enough, the nurse calls back and leaves me a message. With our insurance, we have to get approved for IVF. They want you to go in a very specific order to get things covered. They want the results from the SA first, which take about a week. We can not do any other blood work/testing until they approve. Which puts us back a whole period.
I expected it, honestly. Why would things go right? I still have to call her back tomorrow to get more details. They were closed when I got the message. For now, Tom will still go in Friday(Happy Birthday to him!) for just his SA. Then, we wait to get approved and can move on to the next steps.
When I walked in the door, I went to the bathroom and have been bleeding profusely ever since. I'm at a new low, as I officially miscarry our sweet angels. Every time I use the bathroom, which has been about every hour, I sink deeper and deeper. I will say I am glad I am bleeding on my own because I hope it means my body is ridding the hcg and my number will be much lower tomorrow.
The only good news of this post? My Mom came by last night, about 2 hours after we split from the day. She brought me the bottle of wine I suggested and a check..for $1200. Have I mentioned I have the best parents in the world before? Probably not enough..
Monday, February 21, 2011
You are not going to believe this. I still don't want to believe this.
You know that post a few days back about how me and Evan were so in sync?
Take a second to read it if not.
Well, she miscarried her baby, too.
She began bleeding on Saturday and it was confirmed today that her baby is gone.
Just like mine are.
I never imagined in a million years we would have this in common. I never wanted to share this with her. We were supposed to share in joy, not sorrow.
I still cant believe it.
I guess our babies wanted to play together in heaven.
For those who asked before & those who want to give comfort now, her email is firstname.lastname@example.org. If you email her with your info, she can add you to her blog, which is private.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Everything in black was written on Tuesday. I planned to add Wednesdays beta number and post it that afternoon. Sadly, I never got the chance to post what I wanted.
An entire week has gone by since I found out I am pregnant. What a week it has been. I'm going to try to remember all the details so I can look back and smile.
Wednesday, Feb.9th-I slept horrible that night, for the 3rd in a row. Trevor got up 3 times and just wanted to be held. I knew something was wrong with him because that kid always sleeps. When my alarm went off, I stayed in bed longer than usual. I was dreading peeing on a stick. I knew it was still early and I was positive Id see a negative, but I had to do it anyway.
I got up and peed. I placed the stick in the cabinet, totally out of sight. I got dressed and started to do my makeup. I peeked at the test..it was still flashing the hourglass. I thought, "It sure is taking a while to think about it!" I continue and peek again. PREGNANT. Holy cow! I start to tear and walk to Tom. I say, "Babe, It says pregnant!" Tom hops up out of bed and hugs me. We kiss, I cry, I smile, Tom says he knew it..etc. All the while, I'm rushing to get ready for work since I was running late to begin with. I am beaming and I call Evan. We talked for a few minutes and I rushed out the door. I knew it was going to be a long day, but a happy one.
I made Trevor another appointment at the doctor. His illness had to be something more than a virus. Tom took him over at 10 am and sure enough, he had secondary pneumonia and an ear infection. UGH! They gave him two antibiotics and sent them on their way. I called stores all morning, looking for a big brother shirt. I had one, but gave it to my sister after our failed FET. I didn't want that thing haunting me in the closet. I put one on hold at Kohls and Tom picked it up later in the day.
We went about our day with the biggest smiles on our faces. It was completely surreal. I kept staring at the picture of the test on my phone. I couldn't have had a better day.
We were so anxious to share our news and it happened to be my nephew, Braydons birthday. We already planned to meet for ice cream. Perfect timing. When I got home from work, we ate a quick dinner and rode to Toms moms house to tell them quickly. We put Trev in his shirt and when we unzipped the jacket they saw it. It took a few minutes to process but they were excited.
Then, we went to meet my family. My Dad and brothers werent going to be there, so I called my Dad on the way to let him know. I took Trevor's Big Bro shirt off and we ate some ice cream with the fam. Trevor was feeling okay and one of the few foods he was willing to eat was ice cream, so we decided to go.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Sigh, I would give ANYTHING to be off this roller coaster.
Let me catch you up to speed.
I went in today and my beta was 244. Dropped less than 10 points in 50 hours.
I made a consult appointment for Monday morning. That way, we can talk about what the hell happened with FET #1 and more importantly, what the FUCK(excuse my language) happened with FET #2. She said they would check my level again Monday. Poor Tom was holding out hope and was heartbroken after the call. I would rather be in pain that see him in pain..
She calls me back 30 minutes later. Says Dr. M. thinks it may be ectopic, since the numbers are decreasing so slowly. They want to wait to do my blood work until Wednesday, to give it more time to decrease. If it is still high, they will give me a methotrexate injection on Thursday. I was instructed to not have sex and call immediately if I have any pain.
After staring at google for the past hour, my brain is FRIED! I found out the metho injection doesn't work very often and usually requires surgery also. Apparently if you have an ectopic pregnancy, you have a higher chance of it happening again. Theres also this insane heterotopic pregnancy where one embryo implants in the uterus and one in the tube.
I hate not knowing what is going on in my body. I despise being in limbo.
Ive read blogs for a long time. I love reading women's stories, good or bad. I always felt terrible for people with failed IVF cycles and miscarriages. I felt fortunate that wasn't us. Well, I am now the woman others pity.
Tom and I are having the hardest time understanding why it was given to us, just to be taken away? Why couldn't the test have just said NO like I expected? It would have hurt, but we would have gotten through it. Instead, we lived a dream for a week and now were stuck in our worst nightmare.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
After a lot of tears last night, Tom and I got to talking.
We just don't get it.
I don't get how there's no chance everything will pick up. Or that were just losing one baby.
Something doesn't feel right.
I called my nurse this morning. She is willing to let me get my blood drawn tomorrow. I need to know that number. If it has decreased more, I will accept it. I just dont understand how it could have started so high. Ive never heard of that happening. Also, I had such a slow increase with Trevor. And look at how that turned out.
For now, we are holding on to a thin string of hope.
Because we don't know what else to do.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The nurse just called. My beta dropped today, to 253.
I am supposed to stop all meds and go back on Monday to make sure its still decreasing.
I asked if there is any chance I could just be losing a twin and she said no.
I am crushed.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I am just getting home after an extrememly long day.
I have a million numbers running through my head. And Im so exhausted.
Today, my beta was 266. Okay, but not ideal for this Mama.
Its a doubling time of every 68 hours. According to my research, they want it to double every 31-72 hours. Were still within the normal range, but its at the very end of it. I was really hoping for something higher, so I would be able to relax.
Its also still on the high end for being 11 days post. That makes me feel a little bit better.
Im wondering if its just how my body produces the hormone. With Trevor, I was 86 at 8 days post, 137 at 11 days post and went up to 231 at 13 days post. That means right now, at 11 days post, Im already higher than all of those numbers.
I return on Wednesday and will be uneasy until they read me a wonderful number.
I believe my first ultrasound would be next Monday. Theres a little X under OB in my patient portal. That day is perfect because Tom is off in the morning and I am off for Presidents Day. I hope we can see a sac and fetal pole in one week!
On a completely opposite note, my best friend of almost 10 years got engaged tonight! I cant wait to be a matron of honor again in 2012!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
When I looked up friend in the dictionary, this came up as #4: a female friend or protector regarded as a sister.
I have mentioned Evan on my blog many times in the past 2 years. Ill give a little back story to bring our story full circle.
Evan and I met on a TTC board over 2 years ago. We both had blogs and went on to connect through them. We had a lot in common..young, infertile and starting IVF cycles. We emailed regularly about the most personal topics. Fears, hopes, bodily functions. :) We went through the whole IVF cycle together in January/February 2009. We made a promise..a goal of some sort. We wanted to complete three steps. Get Evan pregnant, get Erin pregnant and introduce our babies at Disney world! She was about a week ahead of me and I loved knowing what was coming next. She transferred 2 embryos on February 10th. She got a positive test right before my transfer. I had my transfer February 19th. We had our 1st ultrasound on the same day. I remember her texting me saying, There are 3! I was thankful to see my one baby after the beta scares we had. We say she stole one of my babies. :)
I would say the rest is history, but there is so much more.
Her due date was October 30th, mine November 7th. 8 days apart.
We kept in touch throughout our pregnancies. I really wanted to go down to GA to surprise her, but a triplet pregnancy is unpredictable and she was in and out of the hospital. We grew closer as we awaited the arrival of our miracles. She gave birth to Andrew, Bradley and Charlotte on August 10th, 2009. I had Trevor 3 months and 1 day later.
Our bond grew stronger as we walked the path of motherhood together, yet so far apart. There's something about knowing how badly these kids were wanted; we dont take anything for granted. When we started to discuss a meeting at Disney world in September, I was thrilled. Ill never forget the excitement as I got ready that morning. I was meeting the woman that carried me through my IVF cycle. And we were meeting the triplets I love as if they are my own. The day couldn't have gone better. As soon as we hugged, I was relaxed. The kids hit it off, we finally got to talk in person and her husband didn't make too many jokes about my accent. ;) (Even though I do not have one!)
Evan and I discussed doing FET cycles, as we both had embryos left over from our 2009 IVF's. I was ready before her and started in November. When she heard Tom could not be with me for the day of the transfer, she booked a flight and got her Southern butt up here stat. Our 48 hours together were wonderful. We found out how much more we had in common, including our parenting views and love for reality TV. She supported me like crazy during the waiting period, even though it was Christmastime and she had enough on her plate. She felt awful when it didn't work. I know she would have given anything to make it better. That's the kind of person she is.
Evan was gearing up for her secret FET cycle in January. I decided to go ahead and do a final FET, which began around the same time. We wanted to keep ours a secret too, to avoid the hurt of sharing the news if it didn't work again. Evan was my glue this FET cycle. She kept my head held high even when I was still mourning our negative. She was the only person I could talk to, other than Tom, and let me tell you, she put up with a lot. Evan had her FET transfer done 8 days before mine. 8 days apart. I still cant believe it.
She got a positive test the day before my transfer. Her positive gave me hope. I was so negative the entire waiting period. Every single night, Evan would listen to me say how sad I was and how I didn't want to do a full IVF cycle. As you know, I got my positive last week and here we are. The same exact place we were in 2009.
How cool is that? I knew there was a reason we shared such a tight bond. I am so glad this is the reason.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I can't believe I peed on this today:
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tom called me on his break last night. It was about 9:30pm, late when you get off at 11pm. He has been having very few breaks lately. There have been lots of fights involving weapons..scary, a post for another day. Anyway, he called me and we chatted for a few minutes. I updated him on Trevor, heard about the fight, etc. I go on to tell him about how I am not pregnant. He got mad at me and told me stop thinking that. He told me he was so sick of dealing with all of this. Rather than argue, I hung up and went to bed.
I knew he felt bad because when he came to bed, he cuddled me and said Hello. I wanted to be sleeping, so I decided against having a conversation then.
This morning, I left Trevor with Tom again and went to get in my car. On my front seat was a note from Tom. Here is what it says:
Its Ooh and Aah, the two monkeys jumping in your belly. Daddy told us that you were getting stressed about us. We want to let you know that we are strong and will be just fine. We made it to to be frozen, we lasted 2 years and we made it through the thaw.
There are two monkeys all snuggled up now and ready to grow. We can not wait to see you, Daddy and Trevor in nine months. We just wanted to let you know because your stomach has been in knots and it makes things a little cramped for us.
Love, Ooh and Aah
He left that with a chocolate bar for the babies. It may or may not have been eaten at 10am.
How cute is he? I have to remember that he is worried about our future children too. These embryos are half him. Add that with working a stressful and dangerous job..he had a right to be upset with me for being so negative. He made up for it and then some.
I am thankful the testing days are his days off. Tomorrow is 6 days post, the day I was two lines with Trevor. However, I had a pm transfer this time and the test with Trev was that night. So, this time around, that positive would really happen on Thursday. Ill test both days and see what I get. Blood test is set for 8am on Friday morning.
Please let me be wrong about this. I have never wanted to be more wrong!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Trevor is still sooo sick. He was up tossing and turning and moaning most of the night. I got up at 2am to check him and give him some medicine. I went to work and left him home with Tom. He woke up at 9am with a 103 degree fever. Same routine..tons of medicine..lots of tv watching..minimal eating..popsicles..pacifier to soothe..He took a late morning nap and apparently ate some lunch. Tom dropped him to me on his way to work. He wouldn't let me put him down. He just cried Mama and whined. He took another nap and could barely find the strength to play afterward. He fell asleep in the car on our way home. He ate some dinner and took a bath. He couldn't even read a story with me, he was ready for bed. He has been living with his head resting on my left shoulder for 3 days. We are exhausted. I am really hoping he wakes up feeling better. I think he may be teething too. He has been sticking one of his fingers toward the back the past few days. He screams if I try to peek inside, so why bother?
I am pretty positive this cycle didn't work. I feel nothing. I just know in my gut. And I want to vomit. My booty is bruised and sore. My anxiety level is through the roof.
I have become the woman who cant even get pregnant with major medical assistance. How did I get here? Where do I go from here? I didnt think I could feel any lower than last time, but I was wrong.I want nothing more than to talk to Tom. He wont be home until midnight, so Ill just stew in this sadness until then.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Here I sit, 2 days after my FET. Last cycle, at this exact moment, I knew it didn't work. This time, I am undecided. On one hand, I feel nothing to make me believe I am pregnant. On the other hand, its really early.
I cant get over how convinced Tom is this time around. Last cycle, he wasn't really involved much. He never had to help with any injections and wasn't even at the transfer. He told me a few days before he didn't think it would work. I was devastated he would say that, but he then explained it seemed too easy. Apparently it was, as it did not work for us.
This cycle, he has been there 100% percent. Helping with injections when he can, telling me how were going to have 2 babies next Christmas, talking to my uterus every day..I am glad he is confident and excited, but am dreading the pain he will endure if this cycle is a bust.
My view is there is a 50/50 chance it worked. I hope we are on the right side of that 50!
Ill leave you with pictures of our snow day! Thanks to the blizzard, I had more time with Tom than I have since mid-December. It was the 3rd largest amount of snow on record.