Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Plan

Christmas has come and gone and I must say, I'm so glad its over. It was tough putting on a happy face for family and friends, but I managed. It appears a lot has happened since I posted, so Ill try to catch up.

December 23-I worked all day and rushed home to straighten up for our little Christmas get-together. I had 8 of my girlfriends come by, have a few drinks, eat a ton of food, do a 90's toy grab bag, and gossip. I debated cancelling it for a few days, but wanted to see my friends that were in from out of town. I am glad I went through with it. Most of them knew the situation, but no one asked. So, I was able to paint on a smile and somewhat enjoy myself. Santa entertained us before his bedtime..

December 24-Tom had to work on Christmas Eve, so Trevor and I ran a few errands and waited for him to come home. We wanted to go to dinner and church, but I was feeling pretty crappy. We just stayed home that night and watched a movie and had our first fire. We set up Trevor's big Santa gift and enjoyed each others company.

Reading his Christmas books before bed

December 25-We slept until about 8am, when Trevor woke up. I grabbed his bottle and gave it to him in our bed. I could have snuggled him for hours, but we were anxious for his first real Christmas morning!

" The camera? This early, Mom?"

He LOVED his train table. So much, that we had to hide it in the other room for him to pay attention to the other gifts!

We didn't go overboard with gifts for any of us. Trevor just got so much for his birthdays and didn't need anything really. Other than the train table, he got a few books, puzzles, puppets, forks, his own Elmo remote, 1st Nerf football, and movies. I got Tom a Brita pitcher, clothes, brownie pan(because he loves the ends of brownies!) and yummy mix, an XBOX game, Trevor's 1st canvas artwork, etc. He got me a new Willow figure, 2 new charms for my Pandora bracelet Evan got me!, 2 purses, and a book(which still needs to be ordered..lol).

Trevor skipped his morning nap to play. Around 10, we went by my parents house for presents and brunch. The kids went wild. They are all so spoiled. Trevor got..a ride on 4-wheeler, a remote control police car, a musical book, a basketball hoop, the Polar Express book and movie, a Little People car ramp, a toy box and a water table that my brother will buy in Spring when its needed.

Tyler giving Trev a smooch

Sweater buddies

..The best of 30+ pictures..

We headed back to our house to let Trevor get a big nap in. When he got up, we ventured off to Toms dads girlfriends house. We had a nice dinner and Trevor put on quite the show for everyone. Were fortunate he is such a go-with-the-flow kinda baby. Even after having an overstimulating day, with one shorter than normal nap and being up 1hr past his bed time, he was happy as could be. We finally got in the car and he was asleep in 5 minutes.

Apparently, that's when I couldn't hold it in anymore. I just started sobbing in the car. Tom didn't say much, he just rubbed my leg. That was what I needed. I cant get over how terrible I feel after this negative. I mean, we had so many negatives before Trevor, but nothing like this. I feel like there is this dark cloud following me around. I go to bed thinking about what could have been. I wake up and think about it. Its consuming me.

I recovered by the time we got home and Tom and I talked a bit. When we went in for our FET consult, we didn't talk a plan B. I was feeling overwhelmed that I didn't know what our next step was. Part of me thinks I should wait a cycle or two to recover emotionally, but I know I would be more miserable sitting around doing nothing. We went over the options of IVF/FET again. We basically came to the conclusion that we should do a full IVF cycle to better our chances this time. I don't think I can handle back to back negatives. I figured Id talk to one of the nurses when I went in for my blood test on Monday.

December 26-I woke up and had all the Christmas decorations put away in the matter of an hour. I wanted the reminders to be packed up asap. I go into the bathroom and surprise! My period. Already, I think? I figured it would come in like a week..

December 27-Trevor and I went in for my blood test. I told the receptionist I wanted to talk to one of the nurses. They took my blood, found out I got my period and did a quick ultrasound. I sat and talked with 2 of the nurses for a while. Apparently, the success rate for IVF and FET are the same at their clinic. She suggested I go ahead and give the 2 we have frozen a try first. If we did a IVF cycle, we would have to do one more test and meet with the doctor. He is out of town until mid-January. I could do a FET cycle before Id even have the chance to start IVF meds. So, decision made. I'm on CD 3 of FET #2(PLEASE let this be the last one!).

So much for downtime, huh? What will we do different this cycle? Almost nothing. Everything went beautifully last time, other than me not getting pregnant. Personally, I'll be a lot more cautious this cycle and likely pretty negative. I cant build myself up again for another fall. We are not sharing the plans with our friends and family. Only Evan knows. And you guys. :) When it gets closer to transfer and I need someone to go with me and someone to watch Trevor, a few others may have to be told. Otherwise, I told people that we are taking a break until Spring to save money.

My nurse called yesterday afternoon and said my estrogen level was too high to start BCP. I got back in tomorrow for repeat b/w and ultrasound. Hopefully, the levels lowered and I will start them tomorrow.

Time is helping. I feel better today than I did yesterday. I plan on keeping myself very busy in the next six weeks. And I will continue to soak in my son, as it has been proven again, what a miracle he is.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Moving On

I tested the past three days, at 6, 7 & 8dp5dt. All negative. One pink line, the other white as the snow outside. Today's negative hurt the most. I was praying Id get a Christmas surprise. Unfortunately, Ive been right all along and this cycle didn't work. If it were not Christmas Eve, I would be going in for my blood test today. Now, I have to wait until Monday to get the confirmation to stop all medications and move on.

Move on.

How am I going to do that? I am hurting so bad right now. I think about it every second. How could I have been so sure this would work? Why did I allow myself to buy Trevor a big brother shirt? Why did I ask my friend if we could postpone our bridesmaid dress shopping until January, so we could check out the maternity ones? How did I lead myself believe I would be pregnant for Christmas? Now, everything is going to hurt. I expected to travel to Georgia as "3" passengers. I expected to have a child so close in age with my sisters baby that they could be mistaken for twins. I expected to be large and pregnant all summer and give birth Labor Day weekend.

I feel like a fool for thinking it would be that easy. Having Evan come all the way here. Letting my heart get ahead of my head. Falling in love with two little embryos and failing them.

Im not sure what our next steps will be..take a break, another FET, a full IVF? Ive given some thought to it and cant even process the options just yet. I think we would have to decide quickly if we want to try something next month.

Well, Merry Christmas Eve to all. And thank you for your amazing support during this difficult time. Too many of you know exactly how I feel.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Winter Wonderfest

Thank you all SO much for your kind words. I'm still feeling pretty low. I held it together all day yesterday, but as soon as we got in the car to drive home, I cried. The entire 35(thanks to snow) minute drive. I feel a little bit better today. Tomorrow is 6dp5dt, which is when I got my positive with Trevor. Well see if history repeats itself.

Ive been trying to keep busy to keep my mind occupied. It was easy over the weekend. Sunday, we went to Navy Pier to check out Winter Wonder fest! I look forward to this every year and had Trevor outfit picked out weeks ago. He had a blast! And I might have taken a break from uterus obsessing for a few hours.

Not so sure about this one..

I love my little family of 3. I so badly want it to be a family of 4.

Monday, December 20, 2010


I am feeling low today. Lower than I have ever felt.

I don't know what happened. I was so confident on Thursday and Friday. I felt little twinges Friday afternoon. I was sure I was pregnant.

Saturday something took a turn. I know this didn't work. I feel nothing. No sore boobs, no dizzy feeling(like with Trevor), no extreme exhaustion. Nothing.

I just want to fast forward a few days so I can take a test and get the confirmation.

And than I can try to accept it.

I have a headache, I think I'm getting an eye infection(Trevor, too) and I am sad.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Too Easy

I apologize for the delay in updating. It has been a busy, overwhelming, great, few days! Wednesday night, Tom, Trevor and I went to the airport to pick Evan up. We stopped to get her a Portillos hot dog on the way home. Although, she got the most "un-Chicago" kind..only ketchup. :) She liked it.

Trevor and Tom went to bed while we stayed up watching reality TV, talking and planning for the next day. Evan was sleeping in our guest bed, which is in Trevor's room. We went to bed around 11 and Trevor, who hasn't woken up in the middle of the night in months, woke up screaming at 1:30am. I picked him up, gave him a bottle in hopes to get back to bed asap, and cuddled him. He just layed on my chest and fell back asleep. I swear he knew something big was going on. He wanted to snuggle Mama on the last night it was just the 2 of us.

He did go back down but I barely slept. I was so darn nervous about having no embryos make it through the thaw process. My alarm went off at 5:30 and I kissed Tommy goodbye and hopped in the shower. I got Trevor up about 6:30 and finished getting everything ready to go. I ended up wearing my zip-up that I wore on our honeymoon that says Mrs. Robertson on the back. Also, I wore the same socks as with Trevor's cycle, and an infertility necklace which I added Toms wedding band too. It felt like he was there with us.

We dropped Trevor at my sisters house and were on the road. We made great time, barely hitting any traffic. The nurse gave incredible directions and we sat down in the office 5 minutes early. I signed some papers and only waited a minute or two. We were taken back and told I was next. Everything was happening so fast. I was glad because waiting=worrying. I got in my gown and Evan in her suit. I was put on a few monitors and spoke with the doctor. Thankfully, our first 2 thawed beautifully and we still have 2 frozen!! That was such a relief and it makes me feel like they're really strong.

I was wheeled back to the OR. They put some warm blankets on me and Evan sat next to me. The whole transfer process took about 10 minutes. It was a bit painful, but not too bad. Evan was ordered not to cry, so I wouldn't get emotional. She did good. We were shown the little blips on the screen. There are officially 2 embryos in my uterus! Below, the embryos are the two whitish circles in the center toward the top!

We went back to the room and I had to lay for 30 minutes. We talked about how this is IT! Everything lined up beautifully..Tom has his career, Evan was able to be there, etc. We kept saying it was just too easy. IVF was rough. This whole FET process was a walk in the park. Evan stressed that the whole doctor change/moving embryos was my hard part of this cycle. After that mess was over, its been soo easy.

Here I am with my necklace, socks and BABIES!

After 30 minutes, I was released with no restrictions. I was tired from the emotional stress of the day and lack of sleep the night before, otherwise I felt great. The surgical center was right on Michigan Avenue, so we dropped a few things in the car and did a little shopping. Evan came here to be my support, but I had to show her some of what Chicago has to offer.
American Girl store-I feel like I am 5 when I go in there!

We had lunch at Cheesecake factory, which ironically is where Evan and her hubby went after they're 1st ultrasound with the triplets! Evan and I just talked and talked. I feel like I know her that much more after this trip. Our bond is amazing and I cant wait to continue to grow closer. One line Evan said that I will forever remember was, "I wish I had a camera in your uterus so I could see whats going on right now!" My response? WHO says that?! Haha

Showing off the John Hancock
After lunch, Evan wanted to take a picture by Harpo studios. That turned into an adventure! My navigation was going berserk and her phone took us in the wrong direction! After 25 minutes of driving, we finally found it! It was worth it for this picture:
Still reading? Here's where it gets even better! So, we go back to my sisters house to pick up Trevor. He did great there and had tons of fun with Tyler. We chatted with my Mom and sister for a few minutes about how the morning went. My sister goes into the kitchen and comes out with AN ULTRASOUND PICUTURE!! OF HER 11 WEEK OLD BABY! She showed it to me and I bawled. Evan cried, there were tears all around. I couldn't believe it! Apparently, she had the same issues as her 2 miscarriages, spotting, early ultrasound with no heartbeat, etc. She actually went to the ultrasound while we were downtown. Thankfully, the baby is healthy with a strong heartbeat and was moving like crazy! She is due July 8th! She didn't want to tell me about it while I was going through the FET process. I am shocked and ecstatic. I get to be an Auntie again!! And were sure its a girl! This convinces me 100% more that I will see two lines next week. My sister and I have always wanted to be pregnant together. This is her last child, so this is our last chance!! And the babies would only be about 2 months apart. Its gotta happen..
Evan, Trevor and I went back to our house and we put Trev down for a nap. Evan and I were lazy bums and lounged for a few hours. Tom got home and we gave him all the great news of the day. He was thrilled. We finally got up and headed out to see Delaney's 1st school program! She sang a few songs and did a great job. Evan and I laughed the entire time at the chaos that is my family. Tyler was ordering Tom to get over here now, Trevor was given a chocolate pretzel which metled in his palm and was everywhere..She said that as much as she would love for us to move South and be closer, she couldnt imagine us taking Trevor away from all that fun.

We went to bed quite a bit earlier on Thursday night. I crossed my fingers Trevor would sleep better for Evans sake, but he was up at 2:30am! Apparently, he knew he had a roommate. Tom occupied him for a while and he went back to sleep. Tom headed to work early and the 3 of us slept until 8. We had a very low key day, breakfast, bath for Trev, a nurses visit for his follow up flu shot. FYI-distracting him with a sucker was genius! He cried for 5 seconds and was over it! We went to a local mall and then headed home. We picked up Giordano's pizza on the way back and Evan said it was the best pizza shes ever had. I happen to agree.

She may kill me for posting a pic of her near a Pepsi. Apparently southerners drink Coke? Ew.

Trevor napped and we hung out. He got up and we played for an hour or so. Trevor mastered walking this past week and it was nice for Evan to be a part of such a big milestone.

We checked Evan in for her flight and had to head out around 3:30pm. We wished she could have stayed forever, but she had 4 important people waiting for her at home.

Driving to the airport, I told Evan how I could give her a whole speech about how much this meant to me. I didn't need to. She knows. I didn't want to start crying, she didn't want to cry. We left it as that. A simple understanding of a friendship deeper than most, all because of IVF and 4 miracle babies(Soon to be a few more!?) The only reason it didn't completely break my heart when she left, is we are flying down to visit on Jan 14th, less than a month!
To sum it up, I am Pregnant until Proven Otherwise! My Sissy is pregnant with a healthy baby after 2 terrible miscarriages! I got to spend 48 hours with my sister at heart! Trevor is a real toddler! And Tom was placed in division 6 at the jail, which is NOT the maximum security! (Phew)
Its been a pretty good week. Somehow, I think next week will be even better..

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tommys Graduation

My amazing husband graduated from the academy on Tuesday, making him Officer Thomas Robertson, Cook County Sheriff! I am bursting with pride and cant type this without a goofy grin.

His graduation was at the college he has been training at. My parents and I picked a spot in the back, not knowing how Trevor would sit during the hour long ceremony. Trevor did great! He had a few snacks, was passed to my Mom so I could take pics, babbled, and only had to be taken out to walk around a few times. I was so glad my Mom was willing to chase him around so I could focus on Tom.

Lined up to march, he is 4th

Walking in
Being sworn in, look at that cute smirk
Can we take a moment to take in the awesome shirt? I nearly died when I found it at Old Navy!

Presented with his official certificate

I could barely contain my excitement for the hour. I couldn't wait to get my arms around my man! I am SO proud of him. We have been talking about this day for years and let me tell you, it feels perfect!

3 generations of Robertson men

After the ceremony, Tom introduced me to a bunch of the classmates. It was nice to meet the people that have spent so much time with him for the past 4 months!

We went home and had celebratory sex. The only reason I mention this is if we were normal people, we probably would have made a baby today. And referred to the baby as Graduation baby. If only..Also, I'm not sure if we will be on restriction after the transfer, so this may be it for a while.

A bit later, we went to dinner to celebrate with some family and friends. This time, Trevor was not liking being confined! I haven't mentioned it yet, but he is walking almost exclusively. He missed his nap this afternoon, was held a lot and had to sit still. We pretty much had to pass him back and forth and let him roam the restaurant a bit. I made sure Tom was able to enjoy his steak.

Us with my parents, 2 brothers and brothers new gf

Us with our great friends, Anthony, CC and Madison

My brother ended up treating everyone, which was so generous. Tom and I are going out Friday night for his "badge party"..arranged by the class to get drunk and celebrate being cops. ;)
Evan arrives tonight at about 7pm. I plan on treating her to some Giordano's deep dish pizza, if shes hungry. We will get everything set for tomorrow and try to call it an early night. Tomorrow morning we have to drop Trev by my sister and be downtown at 8:30am. Were supposed to get a few inches of snow tonight, so I want to leave a little bit earlier. Plus, Ive never been to this building before, and I don't want to be stressing!
I'm nervous about how our babies will thaw. I wont know anything until we arrive tomorrow. The transfer will be done at 9am. If you could say a prayer around that time, I would be forever grateful. We had hundreds of people praying for Trevor and I know it played a big part in his life. :)
I really cant believe we are here again. Tom expressed his fear of it not working the other day. He said, "It just seems too easy." I agree. But, isn't it about time something was easy for us?