Nightmare

It was negative.
I feel like I am in a horrible dream and won't wake up.
My marriage can't take much more disappointment.
I am never going to be the person I was before I became infertile.

When will the suffering end?

Tomorrow Is..

Tomorrow is Friday.

Tomorrow is October 31st.

Tomorrow is Halloween.

Tomorrow is THE DAY I FIND OUT IF WE MADE A BABY!

Until then..

Three Days

Continuing on with weekend festivities; Friday evening was Delaney's playgroup party. Boy-that little girl is spoiled! She had..oh, 18 or so of her closest friends over to play in the jumpy house, run around like maniacs and enjoy amazing food. At the end of the festivities, all the kids got into their costumes and we all went to downtown Downers for Moonlight Madness. All the shops stay open late and give out candy to the kiddos. They had a blast!

These are Delaney's "Purplicious" cupcakes

That would make these "Pinkalicous"


Most of the little girls


Laney with her pumpkin cake I made

Showin' off her gifts


At Moonlight Madness with the kids I babysit for Annie, Ben, Charleigh


Mikey and Brady. See his shirt sticking out? He calls that his Diego-tee!

I was exhausted by the end of the day. However, I knew Delaney's birthday extravaganza wasn't quite over. Saturday I was overjoyed to sleep in. Tom and I ran to the mall to get some quick shopping done. We took Coop back to the vet and as I predicted, he is doing great!

Handsome pup and Handsome Husband

We rushed back home to get ready for Birthday celebration number two. This time it was a Halloween party where all the kids came in costume. Again, it was great food, good company and lots of fun. I found myself touching my stomach all day hoping something is in there. I love that not many people know we are waiting on news. It feels like its mine and Tommy's little secret.

Delaney as Snow White


With her beautiful cake

After the regular party, we continued tradition and went on the Haunted Forest ride. We braved the cold and stood in line for about a half hour before they were able to accommodate all 20 of us! I caught this great picture of Tom and Delaney while waiting in line. No, it wasn't staged. I think it is shows the adoration they have for one another. I love it!!

Laners and Uncle Tomtom

After the hay ride, we rushed back to get our costumes on to show the kids before we left. They turned out better than I ever thought.

Batman, Delaney, Robin

We went to our friends Ally and Alex's townhouse located at Northern Illinois University. Its about a 45 minute drive. Its was fun but almost boring for me. I wasn't about that chance taking a drink of anything! The best part was my best friend Jamie drove all the way up from Illinois State University! Plus, she brought her boyfriend, Brandon, so Tom was happy! We left at about 2 am and I got us home safe and sound. Needless to say, we slept until about 11am on Sunday.

Jamie and Brandon


Tom and Me


Ally, Jamie, Erin


Me and my Superhero!

I cant believe I am saying this, but I spent my Sunday...Christmas shopping! Let me just tell you, I was not the only one doing it! It was crowded everywhere I went. I started to get stressed that Christmas is less than two months away, we have two vacations before/during it and we have no savings thanks to infertility treatments. I decided shopping early would help ease my mind a bit and spread out the cost. I did the most important people first, my nephews and niece. I felt relieved and accomplished at the end of the day. Plus, Tom got a ton of homework done since I wasn't around. Talk about productive!

Now to what really matters. Am I pregnant? I havent really had any physical indicators that point in either direction. I have been exhausted but that could likely be due to the cold weather or a list of other things. I will find out around this time in 3 days. I am off work that day and I am trying to find things to do so I wont go crazy waiting for that phone call! I am nervous about the results because I know how much the disappointment hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to see Tom hurt. I want to make him a Daddy. He will be the best daddy. :)

I'll leave you with one of my all time favorite quotes.

"The best gift a father can give their child, is to love their mother."

So Hard

I am feeling very emotional today. Perhaps its because there will be 4 pregnant people at my nieces party. I hope I am making it 5 in total. It's killing me not knowing. It doesn't help when Tom is convinced there is a baby in my belly. Ahh, six days until Beta!

This song bring tears to my eyes. It's amazing and true.

"So Hard" by Dixie Chicks

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes
I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard

It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift
I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard

It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy
It's so hard

There is Hope

I got off the phone with my nurse a bit ago and my hopes for pregnancy have skyrocketed! She said my progesterone level is 20.5. Last month it was 10. She said they look for 10-20 to maintain a pregnancy! She wanted to make sure I will continue the suppositories twice a day and make sure to take a prenatal vitamin. I said, "So, there is still a chance for next week?" She said, "There is definitely a chance." Yep, there was emphasis on the definitely. I am freaking out! We have suffered so long and its insane to think it may be coming to an end. Please please please, let there be a baby in my belly. This next week is going to be unbearable.

Today is my nieces 3rd birthday! I took her and her best friend, Charleigh downtown to the American Girl Store. Delaney wanted the bouncer seat, the backpack and the bedding for her crib. Apparently they came out with a bunch of new stuff and discontinued others. We found the bouncer with no problem. I asked the woman where I could get the bedding and she tells me it comes with the bed. I tell her we already have the bed and just need to bedding. She proceeds to tell me they don't sell it separate anymore and Id have to buy a new bed. Grr! I was so aggravated. We give up on that and decide to look for the backpack. There was a similar problem, as they only sold it with the Bitty Baby starter kit, which is $90. After a lot of browsing and debate, I decided to buy the entire Bitty Baby set, which includes the starter kit and a baby. They sell it as a deal, so I got it for $110. I figured it was worth an extra $20 for a brand new Bitty Baby. Delaney got the kit and I will be saving the baby for our future daughter. :) Of course Charleigh couldn't go home empty handed and was content with a new outfit. We enjoyed a delicious lunch in Water Tower Place and walked around a bit. I love getting bundled up and walking down State Street. I think that needs to be on our agenda in November before it gets too cold!

Delaney and Charleigh with their babies

Girls with their beautiful tiaras

Charleigh, Me, Delaney

Hooray for American Girl!

Beauties at lunch

All matching in brown :)

I love this one!

I put my cake decorating skills to work and made 40+ cupcakes and a pumpkin cake for her party. Today she is having playgroup friends and tomorrow is for family friends. She is one lucky 3 year old!

I take Cooper in tomorrow for his re-check. I am sure they will give him a clean bill of health!

I didn't get to go see Madison on Wednesday. Christina was in a lot of pain and asked if we could wait a few days. I am hoping to fit in seeing her tomorrow.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Day Four

Well, I am 4 days post IUI and feeling...okay. During the last 2 week wait, I went through a wave of feelings. The first ten days I felt very confident we were pregnant. I was truly thinking, Why wouldnt we be? The last few days before I went in for the blood test, my confidence shattered and turned into pain. I dont know exactly when, but I just new it didnt work. I actually dreaded going to take the blood test. I didnt want to get that phone call. I didnt want to confirm the negative to Tom. I really didnt want to deal with the 14 phone calls/text messages waiting for news. That was just ridiculous. Not only did I have to deal with my own disappointment, I had to deal with everyone elses. Needless to say, very few people know we did a second IUI. The goal is to get pregnant, keep it a secret, and announce it a few weeks later, like a fertile couple would do. We need to have some level of normalcy, right?

I feel like the whole world is going on their merry way with their wonderful lives while Tom and I wait to continue with ours. Every time I turn around another person is pregnant or giving birth. I try so hard to be happy for them, but I am getting maxed out. I thought I'd be expecting #2 by now. Sigh.

That being said, my good friend Christina had her baby girl, Madison on Monday. I am puting on a brave face and going to the hospital tonight. I'll post pictures later. After all, us infertile women do love a cute baby. :)

NIAW

Oh, how aware I am.

Sweetest Day

First off, thanks to everyone who left a comforting and encouraging comment. They are read over and over and help me get through my day. :)

With that being said, I am back to feeling confident that this is our month to get pregnant. Tom and I got up today and my first thought was, "Maybe its a sign since today is Sweetest Day." We got in the car and drove to Chicago. It was a gorgeous drive with beautiful clouds. A sign, perhaps? We pulled up and there was a parking spot front and center, that happened to be free. For anyone that has ever been to Chicago, that is truly a one in a million chance.
I read my Cosmo while Tom did his thing. The last IUI we had fell on a Thursday and Tom had to get back to work after giving his specimen. It was so nice for him to sit next to me and be my rock while I was anxiously waiting. After 45 minutes we were in the room for the IUI. Tom held my hand and everything went smoothly. After the nurse left, I told him something felt different this time. And it really did.

We were about 4 blocks from home when that song I posted about before, Laugh Until We Cried came on....it was RIGHT before the part about the baby. Is someone trying to tell me something? I am not normally a superstitious person. Its just that each month I try to think of why this is the month it will happen. I hope this is it.

Afterward I was able to relax, big time! I pretty much lounged on the couch for a few hours and tried to nap. I had a lot less pain and cramping this time. I felt fine as of the afternoon, so Tom and I went to one of our favorite places-Noodles and Company-for lunch. Its unbelievably hard to not get ahead of yourself with the potential pregnancy. I would have loved to talk about due dates and names and strollers, but I did my best to talk about other topics. :)

We will be trying on our own the next few days. I start the progesterone tomorrow morning.
Tom is taking his dad golfing tomorrow for his b-day. I will be going up to the cottage to help pack and take last pictures.

Happy Sweetest Day!

IUI Number Two

I went to the doctor this morning. I have a 20.5 follicle on my right side, along with a 10. Unfortunately, nothing on my left. I will be taking my Ovidrel injection tonight and going downtown for my IUI at 8 am tomorrow. I will find out the results on Halloween!

I am feeling a little discouraged. My August cycle had 4 mature follicles and it didn't work. It seems like I have such a small chance with only one follicle. I'm going to try my hardest to keep my head up and have faith.

Infertility is the most painful experience I have ever gone though. My heart hurts.

Random Wednesday

I am happy to report that Cooper is doing better. Last night he finally wanted to eat at about 10pm and devowered the special food they gave him. He slept well and I dropped him at the vet this morning. I just called and they said he is eating, drinking and taking the medicine like a champ. Tom will pick him up in a few hours. Thank goodness our baby is okay!

Tom and I finally decided what were going to be for Halloween. The first year we were Peter Pan and Tinkerbell. The second year I was a soccer player and he was my coach. Last year we had other commitments and didnt make it out to celebrate. This year we are being......Batman and Robin. :) My friend Jill is letting me borrow her Robin costume and were going to Party City one night soon to get Toms Batman. We have a Halloween party to attend on the 25th and will also be going to Illinois State University on November 1st to celebrate. This will be my "legal" Halloween and guess who has to be sober? I cant wait to have to be sober for 9 months plus!

I sorted everything out with the Ovidrel prescription this morning. Target will have it ready for me to pick up tomorrow afternoon. It was the nurses mistake and I am glad I remembered it now instead of later.

My parents finally stopped dragging their feet and signed the papers on our new lake house! We have had a summer home in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin since I was 9 months old. It is about 1.5 hours from where we live and therefore convenient and worth the drive even if youre only going for the night. There was only one problem..its way to small. With our family continuing to expand, my parent decided they needed to either sell it and find a new one or knock it down and build on the land. The current house is unbelievably small. There are 3 tiny bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room, kitchen and dining area. The pipes are also outside meaning it really is just a summer home.
When my entire immediate family is there it is 9 adults and 3 kids, soon to be one more. Not to mention 3 dogs! Needless to say, we rarely go up there with everyone and have to take shifts. We are all so excited to not have to do that anymore and to be able to enjoy it together. There will be room for everyone with some space to fill. Hopefully Tom and I will be filling up those spaces with babies!
They are knocking it down in a few weeks. I plan on driving up to stay one more time and take pictures. They estimate 4 months for building. I'm sure it depends on the kind of winter they get. We already cant wait to go next Spring/Summer!

I am working late again tonight and have yoga right after. Afterward, I will go home and take my 1st follistim shot. I dont think I have ever been so excited to get stuck with a needle! I really have this feeling that this is it for us. I know its great to be positive, but its also that much harder to take if it doesnt work. I am still counting on being pregnant by Christmas. I have two chances, two. If neither of those work, I think it will be time to move onto IVF. I still have a hard time thinking I'd be a 21 year old with no known problems and a husband with amazing sperm going through IVF. Seriously, what the heck?

Battery Burns

I thought tonight was going to be a nice relaxing Tuesday consisting of a few quick errands and baking for my father-in-laws birthday tomorrow. Boy, was I wrong! I came home to Tom telling me to take a look at Cooper. He seemed lethargic and not himself. I checked him out and found one side of his mouth extremely inflamed and pussing. He looked like he was in a lot of pain. Within 10 minutes I had the vet on the phone and Tom on his way over there. I had to go let a friends dog out, get a way overdue oil change and pick up my follistim from Target. I only got to letting Nellie out when Tom called from the vet office and said he forgot his phone and wallet at home. I met him there just as Cooper was being examined. They took his temperature and it was 105 degrees! The assistant was looking at his mouth and said she thought it looked like it was a burn. She suggested maybe he ate a cord or some sort. And then it hit me..I took a battery out of his crate this morning. It had a few bitemarks but it wasn't oozing or cracked so I didn't think much about it. I explained this and we decided it was definitely the cause. They did a bunch of blood work and tests and determined he burned the side of his mouth and throat with the acid. Sheesh, talk about painful! $230.00 later, he is a little better now and getting dropped at the vet at 7am tomorrow for further observation. I am just so thankful I even noticed the battery because if I hadn't, he likely would have chewed all day and died while we were at work. I don't know what I would have done if that happened. He is the sweetest dog with the worst luck. We are hoping for a speedy recovery for Coop-a-loop!

I left the vet while Tommy was finishing up and went for the oil change. As my luck would have it, they couldn't fit me in for tonight. I guess it ll just have to be pushed off another few days. I picked up my prescription at Target and realized the nurse never gave me a script for Ovidrel, which I will need either Friday or Saturday. I will be calling her first thing in the morning.

Nothing like hitting me while I am down..Oh, and I noticed a typo in my last post. Tonight is my last night of Clmoid and tomorrow I start the follistim. I had it right in my head and typed wrong. I am feeling very positive and hopeful for this cycle and can't wait to get the IUI done!

I'm waiting for the cupcakes and brownies to be done and then I am going to love on my pup!

Coasters and Concerts

The weathermen were right and we had a gorgeous weekend! Friday night we stayed low-key knowing how much energy we would need to get through the rest of the weekend. Saturday we went to Six Flags Great America. Its an amusement park about an hour from where we live. We go every year for Fright Fest and always have a blast. This year it was Tom and me, Sam and Bretton and Ally and Alex. Unfortunately a lot of other people wanted to enjoy the day and the park was the most crowded I have ever seen it! We had to wait 20 minutes for the bathroom, 30 minutes to get food and at least two hours for each ride! Thankfully we had a fun group of people, otherwise it would have been unbearable.

Tom and Me outside the new ride, Dark Knight

Riding to the top of the Viper

The boys-Alex, Tommy, Bretton

The girls-Ally, Erin, Sam

They have this haunted section called Necropolis that I love going to each year. I am the biggest scaredy-cat around but I like the thrill of it! Plus, Tom is a good protector. Anyway, it was a big disappointment this year. There were barely any scary people and I didn't scream once. Therefore, I think we will be making a trip to a haunted house before the end of the month...

After a great nights rest, we were ready for another beautiful day on Sunday. The six of us-Tom, me, Sam, Bretton, Jill and Matt rode down to Chicago. We had to go out of our way to get around the Chicago Marathon. We had lunch and watched a disappointing Bears game.

Some of the 31,000 runners on Michigan Avenue

After the game, we headed to Soldier Field where the 18th Annual Country Music Festival was being held. Guess what..it was free!! I am a HUGE country fan and pay lots of money to go to Country Thunder every year. This was a bonus to have a free concert in October! We arrived in time to get a good spot and see Lady Antebellum put on an awesome performance. I love them and their entire CD. Afterward, we got their autographs! I was ecstatic because I have never had anything like that happen before.

Country Music Festival 2008-Those are my fave shoes :)

Waiting for the concert-Matt, Tom, Me, Jill

Lady Antebellum

Signing our autographs

Jill and Me showing off our autographs!

Taylor Swift came on next. I love her songs but don't think she puts on a great show. We just saw her in July, so we stayed for about half of her act. I got to hear my fave new song of hers, so I was overjoyed. We made the trek back to the car and were practically asleep on the way home.

Taylor Swift performing

End of the night <3

Needless to say, we're a little tired today. Speaking of today, it is cycle day #7 for me. I take my third Clomid pill in a half hour and will have two more nights. I had hot flashes all day but haven't had any other side effects. Hooray for that!

We were supposed to go out of town this weekend but since we won't know when the IUI will be done until Friday afternoon, I don't think its going to happen. That's okay with me; we need a relaxing few days after these past few weeks!

I hope everyone has a great week.

Laugh Until We Cried

Here is a snippet of a great Jason Aldean song:

"Laugh Until We Cried"

Just the other night the baby was cryin'

So I got out of bed rocked her awhile

and I held her tight

And I told her it would be all right

My mind went back to a few years ago

We tried so long, we almost gave up hope

And I remember you comin' in and tellin' me the news

Oh man we were livin', goin' crazy in the kitchen

We danced and screamed and held each other tight

We laughed until we cried

I cant wait until that is us. I am ready to cry tears of joy!

The weekend was tons of fun, but exhausting. I'm getting off work late tonight and am hoping to have enough energy to update later. Until then...

Breast Cancer Walk

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I was browsing online one day and came across a local walk that was kid-friendly. Since it was the weekend we were watching the kids for my sister, we figured it would be a great way to spend a Sunday! Me, Tom, Mikey and Brady walked a mile to support the fight. Delaney ended up sick and wasn't able to join us. It was quick and fun and a great lesson for the kiddos. We lost my Aunt Joan over 8 years ago to the disease. She was in her early 50's. We lost my Aunt Jeri in May to breast and other cancers. She was only 67. We miss them greatly and I hope that in my lifetime they find a cure. Here are some cute pics of the event:

Mikey Moo, Me, Tomtom and Bray-do
Braydon "walking 4..."
"...Aunt Joan and Aunt Jeri."
My baby looks good in pink :)

My appointment went well today. My cysts are gone and I am able to continue treatment this month!! The plan is clomid for 5 days, 2 days of 75 units of follistim injections and then another ultrasound. When we did this in August, I required one more night of shots and then did the IUI. This month there adding progesterone suppositories after the IUI. I'm predicting the IUI will be done next weekend and I will find out the results the first week of November.

I wanted to just say thank you to anyone who has reached out to me through this blog. It is such a wonderful outlet of expression and source for information. I was just telling Tom last night how comforting it is talking to women going through the same process. Strength in numbers, right?

Have a great weekend! Chicago is forecasted for 75 degrees and sun both days. I am beyond excited as we will be outdoors both Saturday and Sunday!

Day of Lists

Tomorrow is my first appointment for this cycle.

Here are things I am not looking forward to:
*Paying our $40 co-pay at each visit
*Clomid giving me hot flashes, headaches and moodswings. Poor Tommy!
*Not being able to plan when the IUI will actually happen
*The shots..although Ovidrel is the only one that hurt last time
*The 2 week wait
*The potential disappointment..again

Although, if that is what I need to go through to achieve these...:
*Seeing two pink lines
*Finally hearing the words, "You're Pregnant!"
*Telling my family/friends
*Feeling a baby kick inside me
*Picking a name..we have a few to choose from :)
*Watching Tom hold our baby
*Being able to move on with our life

...I will do it again and again.

Crossing our fingers that this is "Our October."

Pumpkin Farm

Tom and I watched my niece and nephew this weekend so my Sister and Brother-in-Law could celebrate their Wedding Anniversary early. Their 5 year is on November 8th, but they wanted to go out in October since Jeralyn will be 9 months pregnant then! I started planning early and decided to make that our weekend to go to the pumpkin farm. We have been taking the kids every year for the past 3. It is a tradition we all look forward to and love.

The first year was freezing! We shivered on the hay ride and had hats and gloves on. Last year was sizzling hot! We had on tank tops and shorts and were sweating! This year was...just right! It was a sunny, gorgeous fall day! Ill have to post comparison pics later..

We ended up with an extra large group this year! It started as Tom and me, Brady, Delaney and my other nephew, Mikey. We asked Toms sister Stefi if she wanted to come and we let her bring along her friend Sarah. We also met up with my friend Jill, her boyfriend Matt and his two nieces. It was tons of fun!

We started the day at the petting zoo. This particular petting zoo isn't like many I have seen. They have an awesome collection of animals and it seems like they are really well taken care of!

Mikey with a very friendly llama

Delaney looking cute

Mikey and Braydon-Best Buds

Afterward, we watched the pig races. Delaney was selected as a "pig-rooter" from the crowd. And wouldn't you know it..her pig won! She went in front of the crowd to claim her prizes which were a sticker, ribbon and flag. She was shy at first but then turned around and waved her flag for everyone. What a cheeseball!

Mikey and Me watching the piggies

Delaney receiving her prizes

Uncle Tom with Laney showing off her flag


Following that, we went on the hay ride. They have this pumpkin launcher that catapults pumpkins into a pond and it makes a huge splash. The kids loved it! We got off the hay ride and took pictures in our favorite spot.

Brady hitching a ride on Auntie Erin

Sarah and Stefi

My entire world in one picture

They cant wait for more cousins!

Delaney, Me, Mikey, Brady, Tom

We ended up getting lunch, going through the fun and haunted houses, and called it a day. It was out best time there yet and cant wait to go back next year. We will have an additional niece or nephew with us..and hopefully a baby of our own!!

The gang-Jill, Matt with Liz, Laine, Bray, Mikey, Laney, Me, Tom

On a completely different topic, I did end up getting my period. Monday night I went for my 3rd acupuncture session and about an hour later, it came. Coincidence? Perhaps...I was 11 days late. It frustrates me that not only did I have to take last month off treatments; I am now another two weeks behind. Sigh. I go in Friday for blood work/ultrasound. Were crossing our fingers that October is our lucky month!