Tuesday, November 20, 2012

By A Thread

..I had planned to post today about the last day of our trip. I was going to talk about how it was the best vacation ever and it was hard to leave. How those memories will forever be etched in my heart.

..But, I cant. Not today. I am in a bit of a rut and I dont seem to be climbing out any time soon. I have so much on my plate and its wearing on me.

This weekend was nuts. Tom and I went on a nice date Friday night and then he was so sick that night through yesterday. He caught some nasty bug that left him in our bedroom for 36 hours. He missed two days of work. We had two birthday parties on Saturday and were headed to one on Sunday when Trevor threw up all over the car/himself. We were 30 minutes from home and on the highway. Not a good combo.

Luckily, he recovered faster than Daddy(imagine that!) and it skipped me and Gavin.

Gavin, however, is teething big time. His gums are swollen and one tooth will pop through any moment. He has been very needy and on my hip 24/7.

These things are no big deal. Gavins teeth will come and the boys will be 100% better soon. There are 2 bigger things weighing on my mind.

1)Toms job. He is about 75% done with the hiring process for a new police department. Everything has gone well, its his dream job, it should happen. I told Tom it feels like all of our eggs are in one basket. Not just any eggs-ostrich eggs. At any moment a wild animal can come eat our eggs. And it terrifies me. They can  decide not to hire him at any moment and our world will be rocked.

2)Getting pregnant. There are new pregnancy announcements daily. Yes, daily! Its the same old- happy for them(most of the time) and sad for you. After 5 years struggling with infertility, its not any easier. I hate my body, I hate that I cant make a baby with my husband, I hate having no clue if/when Ill get pregnant again. My period is 2 weeks late and I am impatient. I want to get the ball rolling forward. I did order my FET meds today and will get them tomorrow, in case my period comes this weekend...Ill be ready. I was sure I would have by now. Last time I was this crabby, I got my period the next day and thought, "That explains it!" This time? Bad mood is on day 2 and no blood in sight..

Our entire life is up in the air. The majority of our 7 years together has been like this. Im tired, emotionally drained and hanging on by a thread.


Natalie Ramello said...

You are singing my song. My life with my husband never feels settled. We have lived in more places than I can count, I have had more jobs than I can remember and sometime I just want to give-up. Sometime I am absolutely sick of it and I want to know why things are so easy for other couples. Currently, my husband's job is up in the air, if things work out like he hopes he will be moving to Houston, while I stay behind at my job in Wisconsin. That will also put any plans for a baby for us on hold until we can get back into the same zip code. I just want you to know your not alone, I feel you sister. Hang in there.

Casey // this modern love. said...

Erin, every time you post I feel like I am reading my own thoughts! We are in really similar places in life. I just had my first baby in June but I'm DYING to cycle again. Dying. But on top of all that, my husband just got a new job, we just sold our house (living with my ILs for 6 months while we build!) and I just went back to work after maternity leave. It feels like my life is always chaotic. Just know that things will settle soon, you have a beautiful family and I can't wait to hear your next pregnancy announcement! Good luck!


Kriss said...

I understand. I waited 15 years and three adoptions to get a positive preg test! Now we are having twins! Shocker!!! Don't ever give up!!!! -Kriss

asrubin10 said...

It seems like most people these days are struggling. Honestly, I knew all along things would work out, money would be figured out, etc, but I'm truly shocked that it actually did! It's not easy by any means, but you're definitely not alone in your feelings. Hopefully you will find peace soon...but you have two beautiful boys and a husband that loves you-just for starters...hang in there, Happy Thanksgiving!

Melli said...

Hi Erin,
I think it is totally normal to be on an emotional rollercoaster every once in a while. Who hasn't had a gazillion question in their head wondering why things are going the way they do and what might happen next.
But don't fuzz about it too much. If Mommy is unhappy so will be the kids.
As far as I can read (things you write and things in between lines) Tom did not lose his job. He is only applying for a better one / better position. This would mean (worst case scenario): he keeps the job he has if the other one doesn't work out.
Hope you all get better soon! I know how it is when a virus goes around... somehow I almost always luck out and stay healthy while the rest of the family is sick.
You managed so much already. Your photos prove what a happy family you are/have.
You're a strong woman!
Greetings from Germany,

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Periods...we''re either wanting them or wanting to get rid of them! I hope things work out and fast. Hugs and prayers, lady!

Stace said...

Thinking of you!

Chelley N said...

Ugh... life is a rollercoaster anyway, but throw infertility in there and it magnifies it so much. Thanks for always being so honest with your thoughts. Thinking of you.

Trish said...

Hi Erin,
I've been following your blog for a long time. It's been amazing to watch your family grow. Sending you strength during this difficult time. Hang in there, you have a beautiful family right at your side.

Allie said...

Infertility is such a difficult journey. People have no idea. I am happy for all my pregnant and parenting friends, but it sucks feeling like the odd man out because of a struggle that ((it seems)) so few can relate to. At least you'll have the meds when you need them! ((It also took my husband 3 years to find a job using his college degree. He worked a labor intensive, no AC or heat control job... It was hard!! I feel your pain! Prayers it gets better!!!))

Amber said...

This is such a crazy time of year and to add job and infertility into the mix makes it that much crazier! Hope things shake down the way you're hoping for soon. :-)