Friday, April 20, 2012

Post Baby Appointment

I had my 6 week check up this past Wednesday night. I decided not to take Gavin at the last minute because Tom had already changed him into his jammies and was going to feed him a bottle before bed. I arrived at the office and sat in the waiting room. There was a couple there with their daughter and I felt so naked with no kids. They were talking with the receptionist about her becoming a big sister and I smiled, thinking about how much fun it was that first appointment when Tom and Trevor came back for the ultrasound. Such an exciting time.

I talked with the nurse, got my finger pricked and bp taken. All checked out fine. I sat in the room and listened to the doc in the next room. (I swear these walls are paper thin and you can hear everything!) I heard the heartbeat of their sweet babe and got jealous. I wished I was there for that reason and not just an exam.

Doc came in, chatted for a few and then did a pap and exam. Everything was fine, as expected. Talked about birth control and said no thanks. He said see you in a year. I joked about hoping to be back there sooner. Then I got sad. I have no idea when Ill be in that office again. Listening to a heartbeat. Showing my sons their sibling. I realize my baby is 7 weeks old. I am not stressing about being pregnant, yet.

Its just, when I think about when it comes time to start trying, aka FET's..a flood of emotions comes over me. Getting pregnant after Trevor was hard. It was draining. It took us 6 long months of straight cycling. I cried a lot. We suffered a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy. We had to use 8 embryos to get Gavin. I am terrified of where our broken road will lead us this time.
And yet, I know its worth it. One giggle from Trevor or glimpse at Gavin's big eyes is worth every shot, every tear, every penny, every second of those months of pain.




My fertility clinic has been in the news a bunch lately. My doc wanted to put an IVF center in the same town as his office, rather than making his patients commute to the city for bigger procedures. He had approval a few months back and recently there was a lot of opposition for it. People were against having a place like that in the town. A place where infertile couples can have a chance at their dream coming true. One man in particular was protesting it, saying IVF babies are manufactured. There was a board meeting a few weeks back and thanks to prior patients and kind people who live in the town, they passed it! SO, by the time we need to use our embryos, they will be closer and more access able. I am thrilled for my doctor and for the infertile community for "winning" the unnecessary debate.

**Ive already gotten a few emails telling me I shouldnt be thinking about another baby. I am allowed to write down what I am thinking and feeling here. I have never been one to hold back. I am able to have these thoughts while still enjoying my boys. Trust me, I am soaking in every second. Trevor and Gavin are not suffering because I am a planner and have thoughts of our next child. I am not missing out on their childhood in any way, shape or form.


The entire point of this post was to share that I am sad about not knowing when Ill be back at my lovely OB's office for another baby. Thats the thing with us infertiles..fear of the unknown. Im sorry if you took it the wrong way. Thanks for the concern.**

13 comments:

Carrie said...

I love reading your blog but it bothers me how all you can focus on after each baby is the next. Your first post after becoming pregnant was talking about the next, within a post or 2 of this birth, it became, once again, all the focus. Sit back and enjoy your wonderful boys.

beth ewing said...

i think most people are ignorant about what an RE clinic really is or what IVF really is. They see octomom and Jon and Kate +8 and that's all they think.

Megan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jill said...

An EXTREMELY unnecessary debate. Anyone who says that IVF babies are manufactured is ignorant beyond belief and needs to be reeducated about the basics of reproduction and genetics. Seriously. So glad you are enjoying your two precious children. I certainly hope that future efforts go easier than the first two for you.

Kim said...

Goodness. Some people. I can't believe there was a debate over a fertility clinic. The road is hard enough for us infertiles! I'm glad things turned out okay. Your boys sure are cute!

Ashley said...

I can't believe there was even a debate about the clinic, but I'm glad it was won!!
Also, you don't have to explain why you are thinking about #3 and that you love your boys! As a mom who absolutely loves and adores my daughter, I too began thinking about Faith's sibling soon after she was born! Having Faith made our desire for more children even stronger because of the love and happiness she brought into our lives! Keep on trucking, girl! You're doing a beautiful job! :)

Casey Collyar said...

I totally understand how you feel about wanting to be pregnant again right away. If a person has not been through infertility then they have no clue how we feel. Thank you for all your helpful emails through our IVF cycle. Read my blog and you will be brought update on at least the birth story. I am already behind on blogging.

The Autry's said...

I really enjoy reading your blog. I'm thinking about starting to write about our situation, but I want to think about it a little longer. I'm on my 4th cycle of Clomid ((I'm still a baby in this infertility journey)) but every time it doesn't work, I worry more about the lengths we will go to for a baby of our own. I wish infertility was covered in Texas.

Kay and Krystal said...

Hi, I have read your blog for a few months now..I can't remember how I found it but we were pregnant at the same time except I was due around a month before you...anyways. I just wanted to say that I LOVE reading your blog and think it's completely uncalled for that others are giving you a hard time about thinking of baby #3. It's your right. Your the mother and while I have never struggled with infertility when I read back posts I honestly cried because it was so heartbreaking (although I was pregnant at the time). Just because you talk or think about another child does NOT make you a bad mother and does not mean you love your children any less. I have a 10 week old and we already cannot wait for the next and that in no way means I will enjoy my children any less than I already do..

Oh and your boys are adorable!!

Chelley N said...

Ummm, wow. I had no idea that people would oppose an IVF clinic like that. I am shocked at the use of the word "manufactured". I understand opposition to places that bring in crime, theft, etc, but what exactly is the harm in a fertility clinic???

Cute photos of the boys! I think about our next one a lot already, too. It doesn't mean I don't love and cherish my time with the two I have, just that I would love to have more. This is your blog and you are allowed to feel however you want :-).

Tracy said...

Your boys are so adorable!! I'm sorry Erin..people can be so rude! I always like the saying "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." You shouldn't have to explain yourself as to why you are already thinking about baby #3. So what if you are! From what you guys have experienced, it's totally understandable and doesn't mean you aren't still enjoying the time with your two precious boys. That feeling of loving pregnancy and not knowing if or when it will happen again in the future is hard. Many love your blog and support you and you writing what you feel. It's your blog to do so and I'm glad you made that clear. If people don't agree with it then they don't have to read it. =)

B. Wilson said...

Screw them. ;)

I'm no infertile, but I am a babyloss mom and I had our son 8 weeks ago. I intend to be pregnant again around his first birthday if I can control any of that... so don't feel alone. I also told the doc "no thanks" when she asked about birth control. Please... I have been through hell and high water just to get this baby and I can't imagine waiting forever to have the next one. Our two year dream only just came true 8 weeks ago. The longer we wait, the longer the anxiety will be for me!

If it happens, it happens. :) If you love your kids, raise them right, and are financially responsible for them, there should be no one judging you.

Jessica said...

The post-baby visit was always so hard for me! In my doctor's office, all prenatal visits were in one particular room that had an ultrasound machine in it. Then once you went for the 6 week visit, you walk past that empty room and into the room for "regular" patients - I nearly cried each time. It's not that you aren't thrilled to have your baby, but there is a grief process in letting go of a pregnancy (especially if it was a hard-won pregnancy). I definitely understand!