Saturday, December 17, 2011

Infertility Scars

I was planning on doing a post about how I am 29 weeks pregnant. About my OB appointment this week as well as my glucose test. I want to talk about where we will be living when baby comes. About my thoughts on 2011 ending and 2012 beginning.

And yet, tonight, I cant stop thinking about how much I hate infertility.

Yesterday marked one year since I had my first FET. I remember it like it was yesterday. I started meds for it on Trevor's 1st birthday. I was astonished by how easy it was compared to a full IVF cycle. Before I knew it, it was time for transfer. I was sure I'd be having the best Christmas ever. I had done everything right.

Ill never forget how much pain I felt as my wait went on. I knew pretty quickly that it didn't work. I sat in the car at the end of the night, Christmas Day, and sobbed.

Here I am, about a year later. I am baking a son and so happy about that. But, why was it so hard to get here?

I am dreading not being pregnant any more. I am fearful of what it will take to make a third child. Will we go through our 6 frozen embryos quickly? Will we need to use our final IVF cycle? Will I have another miscarriage or chemical pregnancy? So many answers.

I have not given up on my dream to have 5 children. I dont think I ever will. I look at Trevors face, amazed that Tom and I can make something so beautiful, and it hurts knowing we cant do it on our own.

I have always said, IF scars run deep. I dont know what kind of battle we will endure to get pregnant again, but I know I will do whatever it takes to make my dream come true.


Erin said...

We are at the very beginning stages of this all. I was diagnosed with PCOS and then my husband got diagnosed with Grade C Oligospermia. He needs to do another semen analysis before we know if we have to go the IVF route. I'm so scared and nervous. We have been trying for over 2 years and had no luck. I see a long road ahead of us. I know this pain you are talking about. It is just all too real. I hope we will be lucky enough to have at least 1 child. I also hope that you will get to have your 5. Thinking about you tonight.

Candi said...

It really does last forever. In my case, I was very blessed. I got pregnant on my 1st IVF cycle and had a beautiful baby boy. Almost a year and a half later, we got pregnant naturally...and unexpectedly. The whole time, all I could think was "If it seems too good to be probably is. What will go wrong." Nothing did, thank God, but by the time I was done worrying, the pregnancy was over...and I didn't get a chance to relax and enjoy it. Damned IF!!

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

Infertility is something that never leaves you. Even though we got pregnant with Brody much quicker than we did with Knox, that fear is always in my mind of "what if we can't do it again?" I will never take these boys for granted because I know it is only by God's grace that we have them. I found out two girls I know are going through IF right now, and when I did, I just wanted to cry for them. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. To want to be a mom and not be able to have it happen is so incredibly painful. I hope it's easier for you guys next time around, but for now, just soak in every moment of this baby boy and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy. It is going by so fast!! You'll get your big family, I really think you will.

Kelly said...

Infertility definitely leaves scars. My baby girl is only 2 months old and I think about when we will try for our second child a lot. I wish I could just focus on her and not worry about it but when you have gone through so much to get one you can't help but think about what it will take to get number 2, or 3... People who haven't dealt with IF don't understand the worry that we have for the future. I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and wishing many more happy and healthy pregnancies and babies for you :)

Kortney said...

My babies are turning one in a month. It is a whole lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I feel like I mourn every passing stage because we may only have this one chance. I, like Candi, got lucky on our first IVF but it will be our only. We just can't afford to try it again. We are hoping for a miracle so my little boy and girl get to a big sister and a big brother.

Ashlea said...

This post totally speaks to me as your story is about all that has kept me going these past few months. We got our daughter from our first IVF and have since done 2 FETS, both resulted in miscarriage, one was a chemical pregnancy and one a true miscarriage after we had seen a heartbeat and everything! We now are looking to do IVF in February but don't have insurance that covers it like we did when we got pregnant with our daughter so it will be all out of pocket and we won't be able to keep doing it if it doesn't work. I am terrified as I have always wanted 4 kids. Your words about doing whatever it takes to make your dreams come true really reminds me that this will all be worth it someday, the scars do run so very deep!

Nicole said...

I have been thinking about these kinds of things a lot lately. I admire your courage and commitment to continue fighting back against IF until you get your way :) I am feeling pretty ripped up right now, but I know that I also feel the same way as you. After knowing the joy of motherhood, I will do anything to add more of it to my life. Unfortunately, however, the $$$ aspect and my husband wanting to be done with IVF are major barriers right now. I'm praying that his heart will soften and he will gain courage. And also that God will continue to provide the financial resources that we need to pursue our family dreams!
It is horrible that even during a time as joyful as pregnancy (and even more wonderful for an IFer), that you never feel safe from IF feelings.

Jill said...

I found your blog through my friend are such a wonderful mother and inspiration to all! I know your dream of five beautiful babies will come true. I am a mother of five at the age of 33, I am so blessed beyond imagination but struggle with the fact that I have 5 while my sister a year younger than me is struggling to just have 1...I have learned so much through Amber's story and now yours and I wanted you to know how much you are helping and teaching others. Thank you for being so open with your journey...and it's not over yet, I can't wait to continue to follow it and see all those beautiful faces in the future!