Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Letter To Me

Dear Erin, August 2010
Right now, you are trying to decide when to wean Trevor from breastfeeding, so you can try to get pregnant with your second baby. You hoped it would happen on its own, but considering your infertility past as well as full time nursing, you know it wasn't likely. You'll find out that you have to switch clinic and will jump through a few hurdles before you can move forward. This will work in your favor, as it gives you more time nursing Trevor. It will be okay, I promise.

Dear Erin, November 2010
Every test came back normal and you are ready to move forward. Trevor took one IVF cycle and you have nearly perfect embryos from the same cycle. This has to work! Starting your cycle on Trevor's birthday gives you major hope that this is it. It will be okay, I promise.

Dear Erin, Christmas 2010
I'm sorry that it didn't work. You've never known this feeling before. And it sucks. Pick up the pieces and move forward. You can and will succeed. It will be okay, I promise.

Dear Erin, February 2011
This will be the hardest month of your entire life. You will feel the greatest joy as you surprise your family with your news of being pregnant. Sadly, your world will come crashing down and you will miscarry. You will sit in limbo for weeks, trying to understand what is going on inside your body. Your four embryos you started with are gone. Every glimmer of hope will be gone. You cling to Tom and Trevor and somehow embark on a full IVF cycle. It will be okay, I promise.

Dear Erin, April 2011
You are optimistic about this IVF cycle. You have good odds. You will retrieve more eggs that with Trevor, have more embryos and get a phenomenal report from Dr. M, stating it was one of the best cycles of his career. You're shocked and excited. Until the tests don't come up positive. The day before your beta, you will see the P word and feel relief. It lasts hours, and is diagnosed a chemical pregnancy. You are left wondering, how could this be? You look into Trevor's eyes and know you have to trek on..and you will. It will be okay, I promise.

Dear Erin, June 2011
This is a good month. You secretly do another FET and feel pregnant instantly. On June 23rd, you see positive tests and know this is the baby you will hold in your arms. You fear the worst, due to the past few months, but there is no need. It will be okay, I promise.

Dear Erin, August 2011
I told you it was going to be okay.

I wish I knew how long and difficult our ride to this baby was going to be. After Trevor, I was sure it would be easier. After all, how could it be harder? I was proven wrong and am still in disbelief of what our family went through in less than a year.

I often think about the first time I will hold this baby and it takes everything in me to stop myself from sobbing. Its still not real. Every time I hold the doppler to my abdomen, I am a little surprised to hear the thump, thump, thump. I stare at my changing body and cant quite picture the person whos causing it.

I am excited to have another birth story, to pick a name, to breastfeed the babe. But when I hold our second little miracle..stare at someone who saved me from heartache, snuggle this baby on my chest..on the outside instead of only in my heart..I know I wont be able to hold back.

And yes, if I could somehow get an email sharing what hurdles we will have to jump to get to baby #3, ahead of time, that would be great. :)


Erin said...

Amazing how different things are a year later. I hope I have the same luck. ;) Congratulations on Baby #2. What joy he/she will bring to your family!

Once Upon A Time said...

It's amazing what hindsight tells us. What a journey you've been on in the last year.

Kahla said...

I totally understand. Chase was from our first IVF cycle and we were so naive that we just assumed the 2nd would work. It didn't. 3rd IVF was a chemical. 4th IVF miscarriage. And then the 5th that was successful and gave us Emery. It's like that perfect drink that quenches a thirst you've had for ages! Congrats again!

twondra said...

Love this. Sure wish we all could really look into the future, huh? :)

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

Wouldn't it be great if we knew in advance?? I don't regret those hard times, now that they're over, but during them, I never thought I'd get out. I'm so, so glad you had such a great outcome!!

mint said...

know another person..said they couldn't have kids and just had a boy!! :)