Monday, June 6, 2011

Regression

It appears I have made a regression in my healing process. I was doing okay, pouring myself into my family of 3 without mourning our tough year and wondering what hit will come next.

But, the past week or so has been hard. It could be the many recent pregnancy announcements. It may be that pregnant strangers are more noticeable in summer. I cringe when my sister talk about my sweet niece in her belly. I haven't even had the strength to feel her kick. I fear who of my friends will be pregnant next. I am burnt out.

I feel like I am in denial that I may never have a healthy pregnancy again. I need to realize that I may never see two lines again. I may never feel kicks in my belly. I may not get another birth story. Typing those words makes my heart physically heart and forces tears down my cheeks.

How do you learn to accept your worst nightmare?

17 comments:

Dave and Elaine said...

Whoa whoa whoa, Erin. Did I miss something? Are you not doing IVF again? It is very hard when things don't go as you think they should or will....
I am sorry you are going through this. :(

Peaches xx said...

this may not be what you are feeling now, but you are so so lucky! you at least have one child, after only 2 years of trying. i know at least 2 couples who tried for over 10 years. only in the last 2 years have they had their own child.

marymac1103 said...

Please allow yourself time to mourn; your losses are very hard and only with the grace of God will you be able to accept and move on. Praying He will give you the comfort, hope and peace you need.

Heather said...

Erin- my heart breaks for you. I've rejoiced with you, and cried for you as well.

I had two chemical pregnancies and then struggled to get pregnant again. I know it can't be compared to what you've had to go through & that every person is different- but just know that I am grieving with you, and I know what it is to mourn over the fact that your dreams might never be a reality.

Give yourself time to grieve- however long that is, is different for every person. Turn to the Lord for comfort. I'm praying He will give you joy in the midst of mourning, and fulfill you even when it feels like that can't happen.

The wonderful thing is that you have a beautiful family, and there is ALWAYS hope that your dreams of more babies will be what the Lord has in store for you. I pray that it is.

We're here for you Erin. And I can say from my experience at least- it DOES get better with time. I still think of my other babies & I'm happy that they have each other to play with in heaven, but sad that they aren't with us. But I can think of them totally different than I did a year ago now. Time helps. & I hope it will for you too.

Cherish This Life! said...

I don't think there is a right answer. Every person and every day is very different. I think that allowing yourself to feel what you are is very important and even if it is a harsh reality that you are anticipating or if you are feeling hopeful - both emotions bring healing and you need that. I hate that you even have to process the feelings, they are so hard. I know in the end I felt like they made me stronger, they made me feel more in touch with myself. Praying for you girl!

The Richardson's said...

you don't known me and I have never commented before. I stumbled upon your blog some how forever ago and have been following your beautiful family. i realize what you are going through is hard but you have to share your struggle with your friends they are there to support you and want to. if they don't know what is going on they can't help you.

i used to have a very dear friend that was struggling as you are but she never told anyone, instead when i called her to tell her (in a one on one situation) i was pregnant she made some very hurtful remarks. remarks that i know she did not mean. in the years since she has finally had a baby and to this day she will not talk to me or my family like i did somehting to her by getting pregnant. at the time we did not know of her struggle and we were as close as two people could be or so i thought but the truth is she never shared her struggle somethign i would have supported her though. look to your friends for support they want to be there for you

t.b.f.love. said...

Grieving is often cyclical and it is almost always the case that people bounce back and forth between the 5 stages of grief. I am so sorry that you are going through difficult times. It will get better, over time. Thinking of you.

Beth said...

Erin,
I rarely respond, but my heart aches for you, and I thought I'd share my story with you...

After 3 years of trying (w/no luck), we finally did IVF. To our absolute delight we conceived boy/girl twins (Quinn & Addison) on our first round. We were beyond thrilled! Fast forward to our 3rd tri, our babies were born, & w/in minutes of their birth, they passed. An infection got to both of them & there was nothing the drs & hospital could do to save them. After a lot of grief counseling, we tried to get pregnant again. By the grace of God, we conceived our now 3 yr old son, Braydon (5 years after beginning the "trying" phase). It was a horrible pregnancy, which consisted of a surgery to sustain the pregnancy, multiple visits to triage; I had a very high-risk pregnancy.

My husband and I always thought we'd have more kids, but we now have no idea how to make that happen. We lost just about everything due to the recession, & have only just recently begun to slowly get back on our feet. I'm 31& my window of being able to sustain a pregnancy is closing by the year. My heart aches to have more children, but I'm learning that I have to come to a place of peace when dealing with what I (& my husband) want, versus the reality of life's unknown outcomes.

I truly hope & pray that things work out the way you want them to.

Life has truly taken us by surprise, & dealt us some very harsh blows, but we've come through our darkest of days & are truly happy again. I can, however, totally relate to your pain. I, too, still sometimes feel the small sting of pain when I see the very pregnant women chasing after their children. Having said that, what I've come to appreciate is that our son has 100% of his parents time & devotion. We'll pour everything we have & can into him, & quite possibly, him alone. We'd love nothing more than to give him a sibling (or two), but if we don't, at least we have him.

Back when we were battling infertility & struggling to conceive, we would pray & beg for God to bless us w/at least one child -- He did.

I pray that you allow yourself the grace to truly process your grief. I pray that you come to a place of peace about what your future has in store for you, and I pray that your prayers and dreams are realized in one way or another.

God Bless, Erin!

Peppermint Patty said...

Do not allow your grief to keep you from enjoying life and the baby that God has already blessed you with.

I have one child after almost 6 years of infertility. I remember telling God, "If I never have another child, I will be so grateful to have this one."

AND I AM!

Did I want/wish for more children? Absolutely, but I refused to allow that desire to get in the way of what was/is truly important...MY SON!

God bless sweetie!

Leza said...

I have felt the same pain many times. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. All I can say is eventually the pain will get easier, more manageable. You are allowed to mourn, be sad, and think about what you are missing. It is normal and natural. I know how hard it is to see pregnant women around and then go home to that empty feeling. I pray that you find peace and heal soon. You are always in my prayers.

P.S. One thing that helped me was to keep a journal. Write down all your feelings...truthfully and don't worry about reading them in the future...just write what you feel at that moment. I hope that helps you.

Jodi said...

Erin, I hardly ever comment, but I GET it.. I totally and completly GET it. I also get that there is pretty much NOTHING anyone can say or do when you feel this way to make you feel better. I remember my ONLY saving grace was my son, my miracle. After a full year of trying I had a 10 week miscarriage, followed by a 7 week miscarriage, followed by a healthy 10lb baby born at 40wks 3days... and the ONLY thing I can tell you, is when the next baby comes (because I have total faith it WILL come) you will be thankful for every single heartache you went through, because if not for them it wouldn't be THAT baby. I wouldn't have believed anyone that this would be true, but I thank God every single day for our journey because without it I wouldn't have my baby girl.

Melissa said...

I know what you mean. Its hard not to feel that pain when you see a pregnant woman. I would love to have more children, I would love to be pregnant with my big round belly and be caring for my toddler but I know very well that may never happen. Its hard when in my play group of moms all of them have 2 kids or are pregnant with #2 - all but me. But...you have to choose to look at what God has blessed you with, not with what you don't have. We are so lucky and blessed to have our IVF miracles. Its painful to want more children and to face the possiblity of that not happening but I think its way more painful to have empty arms...at least our arms are holding our sweet miracles right now. Hang in there

Bren said...

Erin, I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now. I had a miscarriage over 2 years ago and I feel like I was in this place of emotional ups and downs. So many of my friends got pregnant during this time and it was so difficult to hear these announcements and see updates on facebook. I cried a lot and mourned the loss of what was with that pregnancy and baby. Once my husband and I started trying it didn't happen as soon as I thought and I felt even worse. I started praying for God to bring us the baby we desperately wanted when the time was right for us. It took over a year and we finally got pregnant with our baby boy that we are expecting in 2 months. By the time I actually got pregnant I had started to come to peace with the thought I may never get pregnant. We had planned to adopt regardless one day so that was my hope for a child. I know it is a long hard road but maybe the best thing to do is give your mind and body time to heal. Journaling is an amazing tool and I don't mean on here but where you can physically write out the words, it is definitely a different thing. Also I found praying for God to give us a baby when it was right made it easier on me for whatever reason. I do think that the time it took for us to get pregnant helped me become less obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant and more in love with the idea of having a child and if it didn't happen I knew I had everything I needed in my husband, dogs and life in general. I don't know if this helps or not but sometimes focusing on what we do have can do wonders until the upsetting thoughts come back and they will come back so just know you can get through it and get back to a good place again.

BabyWid said...

I'm feeling the same way right now, almost 5 weeks after my missed miscarriage. I have my good day where my family 3 is perfect and awesome and then there are days like today where it just hits me and I think to myself, "I should be 14 weeks pregnant and I'm not and it sucks!" Oh and the facebook preggo announcements, I dread looking on facebook every day because I know someone I know will be posting. I hate thinking and living like this but I think it's part of the healing, being scared and have doubts is normal. I think they make us stronger for sure. If you ever want to talk, I would love to. Meganwid@yahoo.com

Brittany said...

Praying for you....I've experienced 2 miscarriages and I remember feeling the same way. Ok, one day......then very sad, the next. Its a sucky roller coaster. :(

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I'm so sorry, Erin. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I know there's nothing that will take away that hurt.

I can't imagine how bad you're hurting, but I can relate to the fear of never getting pregnant again. Now, trying for #2, brings up all those terrible feelings from the first time around. That worry and stress will overtake you if you let it. You can't let it. Try, as much as you can, to focus on the amazing blessings that you have right now. Take the attitude of, if you're blessed again, great, but if not, what you have now IS enough. As hard as it is, we can't control our own lives in certain areas. I will keep praying hard for you guys!

Lisa said...

You WILL mother again. You WILL. I'm so sorry It's so hard and so unfair, but we are all here to support you through this journey.