Thursday, May 5, 2011

Miracle, Please?

"Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?"

Oh, T. Swift. Life was easier at age 9.

No one ever told me life was going to be easy. But, I never imagined life would be this hard.

Lets try to sum up my past few days.

As you know, I was crabby Monday after my negative. Tuesday, Trevor woke up at 3:30 am. I had to pee then and figured I should test then rather than in 2 hours. I test and its negative. I climb back into bed and do not fall back asleep. I just couldn't believe it.

Tom got up for the day and said he was sorry when he kissed me goodbye. I was so sad the whole day, having all kinds of thoughts about what was next, somewhat numb to any feelings. It occurred to me in the late afternoon that I tested at night with Trevor's cycle. Since I tested at 3:30 am, it was still almost a day before I got Trevor's positive. Something told me to stop at Walgreens on the way home and get more tests. I didn't want to waste the money and I wanted to rush home and hug Tom, but I stopped. I bought the Clearblue ones because they were on sale and I didn't want to question a second line.

I go home, get Trevor settled and go pee. I went back to the kitchen for a few minutes and returned to see Pregnant. I started crying and went out and showed Tom. We both were SO relieved. It felt like this huge weight lifted off my shoulders..thanks to that one word. The whole night was great..I took a bath with Trevor, we snuggled on the couch(me, Tom AND the pee stick). I slept with it on my nightstand, slept the whole night and woke up beaming.

When the nurse called, her wording was.."Well, I have a positive test for you, but I am guarded and here's came back at 8.9. Generally, we like to see it higher, but anything over 5 is considered positive." I was shocked. HOW CAN THIS BE!? She said it could go any way, she has seen it all.

Tom is sure it'll be fine. Bless that man and his huge heart. I am not so sure.

I ended up calling my nurse and explaining that I didn't want to pay $120 for a test. Mainly, because, nothing major will change. If it goes down, they'll tell me to stop my meds. If it goes up, they will tell me to continue. I don't see how having a few extra days of meds, just in case, will do any harm. Also, I kind of want to just enjoy the weekend. Yes, Ill be wondering what is going on inside me, but it'll be free. :) I may buy a few tests and watch the lines change as the days go on. I can go in on Monday and hear a number then. I'm pretty sure this is what Ill do. I just have to talk to Tom when he gets off.

I am fighting thinking right now. The question that keeps coming up in my head is, what would we do next? I so badly don't want to answer that. Can we please just have a little miracle?

"Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?


Jodi said...

YOu keep trying that is what you do! I read mission impossible multiple parenting with an extra IVF (blog) and she is pregnant again after EIGHT cycles so it will happen again. So sorry this questionable beta I was just talking to my dr this afternoon about beginning the old infertility crap again (sigh) now I just need to come across the right timing with my dh. I know he will not be enthused about all the testing again. why can't we just get pregnant like everyone else it is such BS!!

Marcie said...

I hate that you are having all these thoughts. Thats one of the horrible things about IVF and infertility...there are so many uncertainties and so many questions that can't be answered. Thats what aggrivated and upset me the most!
I hope that you can try and have a great weekend!

Kristal said...

This is my personal opinion, but I think a pregnancy test with lines will really help ease your fears. I'd take one, then wait a day or two and take the other one. If the line is getting darker, you could probably rest easier knowing your beta is going up (whatever the number may be) and then come Monday you can hear just how high the number really is. Try hard to relax and enjoy that as of right now you are still pregnant until told otherwise! :)

Staci said...

Praying for your miracle Erin...I am so hoping you get it!

The Pifer's said...

Praying for your little miracle; you may have a little stubborn bean inside you--a little slacker--a little blessing that early on will prove to give you a hard time! I pray for this morning and night!


Kim said...

Oh, love me some Taylor Swift. Sending good thoughts your way!

Amy said...

I have a great feeling that you're going to get good news when you come back! :) Keep your head up!

Renee said...

I'm so sorry. I hate the waiting and not knowing. Praying that it's just a lazy baby and that you'll get your miracle.

Suzanne said...

Oh, Erin. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I was just looking back over my last IVF cycle and we did a 3-day transfer. My clinic didn't do my first beta until 12 days past transfer. Am I right - they did yours at 8 days past? That just seems early to me.

I agree with trying the tests with lines and comparing as each day goes past. It might give you some reassurance.

I'm praying for you!!

The Riggs Family said...

Hoping and praying you get your miracle. For now, you are pregnant. The test and the nurse both say so, even if the number is a little low. Sorry I couldn't find you somewhere to go for free.

Mindy said...

Man I love that T-sweezy song; it makes me teary everytime I listen to it. Seriously do the POAS pink lines (STAY AWAY FROM THE BLUE DYE TESTS!!!). Try to enjoy your vacation, take some deep breaths, and hold out hope. We're all pulling for ya' and praying.

Cori said...

Love Love Love that song. It is so true! Praying for a miracle for you Erin!

Sassy said...

I've been following your blog and I just wanted to say that my fingers are crossed for you and I'm sending lots and lots of prayers and sticky baby vibes your way.
I am living vicariously through you as my husband and I struggle to conceive again. I hope you get your miracle. Perhaps it will be a little girl..fashionably late from the start!

Jennifer said...

Praying that the beta goes UP!! This is your time. Big hugs!

jenn said...

i agree, i think you should wait....enjoy the weekend and mothers day with you men....and do the beta on the meantime....sending lots of hugs your way!

RELH said...

Positive vibes your way!

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

Yes - enjoy your weekend, as hard as it may be! I am waiting to hear a huge increase in your hCG!!! Keep that chin up, sweetie!

Joey said...

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” – Matthew 11:28-29 (NIV)

EVERYDAY.....praying for you.