Friday, April 1, 2011

Elevator Scene

"Yesterday, at that baby shower..I was jealous of Callie. Because she got pregnant, without trying. And we try. I get shots. I take my temperature. I put my legs in the air..and nothing. The universe says, Screw you, Meredith! And gives Callie a kid. And then, puts Callie through a windshield. I mean, what the hell is going on? Whats the point? I mean, is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all, why the universe is SO screwed up..and random and mean. Now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I could really use some answers."


Tom and I were enjoying our Thursday night together, I was suprised to not hate the Greys episode as I expected..and then the elevator scene. We stopped joking about the singing and commenting on whats coming next. We listened to Merediths call for help and froze. I am really struggling with why? Why do we have to endure so much to become parents? While, at the same time, so many others get pregnant in an instant?


For Trevor, I did 3 rounds of clomid, 6 IUI's and 1 IVF procedure. Thats a lot of money, time, appointments, blood draws, sticks with a needle, pills, side effects, hormones, stress, and negatives.


For baby #2, I have already dealt with a failed FET and a miscarriage.


WHY? Why must we go through so much to hold a baby in our arms? We are good people. A strong couple with an amazing extended family. We can provide for our children financially. We were made to be parents, so WHY is the universe so MEAN?

13 comments:

Mrs. M said...

I COMPLETELY AGREE! It's not fair...not one bit. I CRIED when I saw that elevater scene on greys last night...The universe is REALLY messed up.

Shannon said...

I am sorry things have been tough lately. I hope things turn around for you soon.

Courtney said...

But is the Universe really mean? I constantly have to tell myself that I don't want anybody else's life. Yes, my cousin got pg in a snap. But her father died 4 months after her little one was born. My friend got pregnant the first month they tried. Twice. But I don't want to be married to her husband.
I think we can all get twisted up in knots if we just ask ourselves 'why?' and instead just enjoy what is in front of us. Maybe this is a rediculous thing for me to post, but I know I have so many things to be grateful for...that's where I chose to put my mind. Is it hard? Absolutely. But what do I get for being mad? Just time I can't get back.
I hope this isn't offensive. I just wanted to offer my $.02. You and Tom are great parents and Trevor is one INCREDIBLY lucky boy.

Breanna said...

Erin, I thought the exact same thing when I watched Meredith pour her heart out on the elevator last night!

I guess we aren't supposed to know these answers. It's tough. Really tough...

ashley said...

Everything in our lives happens for a reason. It took me five miscarriages and ridiculous amounts of time and money and pain to get my daughter. Not sure if you are religious but I truly believe I had my daughter because it was in God's time and in God's hands. If we would have had children according to my timeline I believe we would have struggled, financially, and in our marriage. Trust in the Lord and things will happen when they are supposed to. I truly feel for your frustration as I have been there. Keep your chin up and pray.

Erin said...

I lost it last night when she made that speech because I have made it a thousand time over the course of 2+ years. I guess that is why they call it faith.

Amber said...

:( I'm sorry.

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I don't know what to say besides things don't always make sense.

I recently read "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl" by Lysa TerKeurst. There's a part in the book that really resonated with me about comparing ourselves to other women. I have done a lot of that, as I know you have. She made kind of a mantra for herself that says “I’m not equipped to handle what they have—both good and bad.”

Basically, everyone is fighting a battle we can't see- so while one person may get pregnant easily (even though we kind of want to hate those people), they may also have another aspect of their life that's not so great. I have tried to implement this is my own life recently, and I think it really does help with the comparison issue.

That's not to say you're going to feel any better about infertility and how badly it sucks, I don't think much can take that particular sting away other than it going away completely.

Things are hard right now. But they are going to get better. When you get that second baby, you can tell him or her how badly you wanted them, how hard you prayed for them and how you would not stop until you held them in your arms. It will be worth all of this, but you know that already because you've been through this hurt before and have come out on the winning side with your precious Trevor.

I will keep you and Tom in my prayers, Erin. You will be blessed again, I know you will, one way or another.

Sassy said...

I ask myself this all the time. This world is messed up. So unfair. As a teacher I see so many parents who have kids who don't care, don't want them, are annoyed at everything they do, etc, etc and my heart just breaks because I would kill to be able to just simply have sex and get pregnant. They have this gift and they don't appreciate it.
i hope and pray that we all get our special gift soon..and have the strength to deal with all our "whys"

New Year Mum said...

Hi... here from Cyclesistas :) I'm also trying for #2 and feel that this whole IF thing is very unfair. With you every step of the way... looks like we might be cycling together xoxo

Elaine VanDRiver said...

I ask myself this question everyday. Why is this happening to me...to us? I can only hope that it will eventually happen, and I know for sure that when it does I will be so incredibly grateful. Nice post. Take care!

Tracy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jenn said...

i totally have thought that many times while struggling with infertility. we tried for 2 1/2 years...meds, 6 IUI, 1 IVF, blood draws, IM PIO shots for 8 weeks, "dildo cam", more meds.... to finally get our sweet finley...but she is soooo worth it!

i have worked at an inner city huge teaching hospital in st. louis, on the mother baby floor for 11 years, so every day i have it blaring in my face...the drug addicted mom having #4 (and doesnt have custody of any of her kids), the 16 year old having #3 (yes, i am not lieing), the 22 year old having #6 that is on welfare and each baby has a different daddy....so, yes, i have wondered "why" many times....

but then i try to switch my thinking and think of all the things infertility/IVF has given us...a look into my body, watching the follicles grow, actually getting to WATCH me get pregnant on that screen....and FINLEY! i also agree with courtney...but have to remind myself a lot, the grass isnt always greener on the other side...
hang in there....it will happen!!!! maybe not in your time, but in Gods time!!!