Wednesday, March 16, 2011

One Month

Today is the 16th. One month since I got that phone call. A phone call that changed our life forever.

Ill never forget her voice..when she said I don't have good news for you. Ill never forget calling Tom and repeating the news. I will never forget the car ride home and how much relief I felt to finally cry.

Cry. I don't do it often, but tears are streaming down my face as I type these words.

I think I am worse now than I was a month ago. I was in shock for a long time. Then, we were in limbo and I always had that string of hope that we would go in and see a heart beating inside me. I feel like my heart was put in a blender.

I am promising myself that this is my last sad post. I need to suck it up and move on. I need to come to terms that there wont be a baby in October. I need to start writing a new chapter in our book. A chapter that starts with embryos and ends with a screaming baby.

At least we know that Trevor loves babies as much as I do.

Ill try to post about sunshine and rainbows from now on. Key word is try. This IVF cycle is going to take a lot out of me..and I don't feel like I have much to give. Not to mention, Ill be on my own 99% of the time..every injection and appointment. I really hate these opposite schedules.

I need to give this IVF cycle a place in my heart. I need to have hope and dreams for these babies. They deserve it..


"Little Miss You'll Go Far
Little Miss Hide Your Scars
Little Miss Who You Are
Is So Much More Than You Like To Talk About

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
And it'll be alright again"

11 comments:

Hillary said...

Hi Erin,

I almost never comment, but I do read every single post! I just had to comment today, because as a mother to a miscarried baby and a stillborn baby, the BEST thing that you can do for youself IS to talk about it as much as you want to! You shouldnt have to try to be happy and cheerful for any of us out in blog world. SO many of us have been in your shoes and we're hear to listen.
You'll end up feeling better much sooner if you dont repress any feelings!

Take care and I'm praying for a better outcome next time! xo

Mrs.Joe said...

This is your place to post whatever you feel like posting. You've been through so much and if you feel like you still need to be sad, I for one will be here to listen (read). I wish none of us had to go through heartbreak like this. Thinking of you and praying that you feel better soon.

Renee said...

You're brave for saying this is the last sad post. I think I have more sad miscarriage posts than I had pregnancy posts. It' so hard to just move on. I feel like I could talk about it all day long, but at some point, people stop wanting to listen. The grief lasts longer than the sympathy. So I have to write it on my blog just to get it out. And if people don't want to read it, they don't have to.

I love that song, too. It will be alright again...it'll just take some time.

Melissa said...

Of course your going to have your bad days! Its just going to take time for that pain to lessen.

I'm with you on the IVF cycle. Going next month to our doc. Here we go again!

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

Such a rough "anniversary" to experience. I am so sorry.

Do not feel like you have to post happy posts all the time, Erin. Writing can be so therapeutic, so you should use this outlet as just that- let it out! We are here to listen and support you. Be yourself, whether that self may be happy or devastated.

I will keep you guys in my prayers, and I truly hope this next cycle is successful and has a beautiful outcome!

Kahla said...

Oh Erin I'm so so sorry. Don't feel bad posting how you feel, that's part of healing. Your posts bring back so many memories of what we went through. It is so hard. To this day I will grieve our babies and I miss them so much, but as hard as it is to hear, things happen for a reason. If we had not lost our twins, we would not have Emery and I simply can't imagine life w/out her. You will always miss your baby(ies) but when your next IVF works, you'll see exactly what I mean. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

Meant to be a mom said...

Oh Erin your breaking my heart over here.
I'm so sorry that your having a terrible time. Do not appologize and take as long as you need to tell us your emotions and your sadness. That's what we are here for. Your completely allowed to be sad and to have feelings about this.
I hope that your able to find peace and comfort in Gods decision and that he is able to place another angel child in your life without all of this heartache the next time around. Don't give up.
He has great plans for you.

Hugs!

Stace said...

I haven't read the other comments, so this might say the same thing, but YOU DON'T NEED TO SUCK IT UP. What you went through SUCKS and is the worst. There is no reason to suck it up and stop talking about it if that's what you need to do to get through it. (Especially on here!)

As always, Trev is an absolute doll and I am hoping and praying like crazy that this IVF proves to be just what you need for a positive as well as a few snow babies. :)

Kristen & Eli Wolfe said...

Erin,

As an OB nurse and with past experience with others....I want you to know that although you didn't go through an entire pregnancy there is still a great risk of post partum depression. It happens often and fast, even with miscarriages. I am not saying you have it just be aware of it. Some doctors "forget" about mentioning this.
Praying for you and your family everyday! Hoping for better outcome on this next cycle!

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, this is your blog as everyone said. You can write whatever you want. It's been a year since my failed FET and I still have sad posts about it. The important thing is to get your feelings out...it's the best healing process. ((HUGS))

Cin said...

Dammit all woman! You don't have to suck it up, you have to vent, you have to scream, you have to grieve because, until you do, you can't start to heal.

The fact that you are still so very sad means you haven't let go yet. Give yourself the time you need.