Thursday, March 3, 2011

Haunted

I feel like this miscarriage is haunting me.

Its all I think about. I cant get it out of my head.

We made our IVF consent signing appointment for March 18th. All I can think is that was supposed to be our first OB appointment.

I should be almost 7 weeks today. I would have seen my sweet babies hearts beating away. And fallen madly in love.

October 22nd has a giant red X on it. I cant even imagine how it will feel as that date approaches.

I wish I could just shake this. Wake up one day and be happy.

Hell, I can't even sleep through the night.

I got a pack of newborn diapers in the mail the other day, for my sister. I should have been ordering them for me.

I still find myself dwelling on the question-"Why could the test have just said NO?"

15 comments:

Kristin said...

Im so sorry for your loss Erin I know how you feel yesterday was 1 year ago that I had my twin girls premature they lived for about 45 min. And I had also suffered miscarriages in the past It just plain sucks and isnt fair Your family is in my thoughts fill free to stop by sometime.
http://familyofthreejustexpanded.blogspot.com/

e Daly said...

:( I'm sorry Erin it is so hard! I have a 5 month old that I concieved 3 months after a miscariage. It does get easier but I often still think "what if" and don't know if I will ever be really excited when I see a positive pregnancy test.

Hang in there it will get easier. You, Tom, and Trevor are in my prayers.

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

Miscarriages are haunting... it doesn't seem like it now but there will come a day when it won't hurt so bad. You'll NEVER forget or sincerely get over it. But you will feel peace again. I pray for that day to come very quickly for you!

Nicole said...

Oh Erin! If is so hard. I had an early m/c on my first IVF, a plain old BFN on my second, and a baby finally on my third! I remember thinking the same thing after my m/c for such a long time- why couldn't it have just been a BFN, that would have been a million times easier emotionally?! I definitely know that feeling.
Later though I drew courage from the fact that I HAD in fact at least gotten pregnant, and it is the only thing that encouraged me to try that LAST third time, which is what got me my miracle son. Thank goodness for that totally backwards source of courage. I know your situation is a different because you already have had a baby and already knew you could get (and stay) pregnant. But it's the only little bit of light I could offer about a m/c. I wish I had more helpful things to say. I'm so sorry for you and Evan. You two are the first IF bloggers I ever followed and so you are dear to me in a different way. Following your two IVFs two years ago is what opened my heart just enough to even consider ever doing IVF again, and I had my successful cycle ET the day Trevor was born! I'll be here cheering for you until you're family is finished! ((hugs))

Nicole said...

PS- make sure to plan a fun and distracting day with your little fam on 10/22. I still think of our EDD with that m/c (which was this week) and wonder what it would be like if I had a three year old right now. It does get less painful with time, and especially with a subsequent successful cycle. But I don't think February 29th (or 28th on a non-leap year) will ever pass without me reflecting for a moment on the what-ifs that IF brings.

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I'm sorry! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. It's not fair, and there isn't ever a good reason for these things. I will keep you in my prayers.

Lindsey said...

Erin,
I am so so sorry for your loss. I have been in your shoes when it comes to a loss. I lost my 3rd baby due to a unknown cause missed miscarriage. I understand the haunting, the ache in your arms, and the brokeness in your heart. I understand the "grief monster", and how it will come and go. My heart aches for you, and if there was some way to take the pain away, I would. I have a blog, as well, would love for you to follow. www.theroadtosurrender.blogspot.com
You will always carry the baby/babies in your heart, and will always wonder. Praying for you!!!
Lindsey

Renee said...

I know how you feel. I found out at my 11 week appt. that I had miscarried early in my pregnancy, but the sac continued to grow. So I went through almost the entire first trimester thinking I was pregnant and then found out there was nothing. Had to have a D&C and I'm still waiting to get my period so that we can start trying again. It's been over a month since we found out, and it's still all I think about. It's hard and it plain sucks. Praying that it gets easier for you.

Leslie Lambert said...

It's so, so hard...I know. Our EDD is coming up, and I just can't bring myself to think about it yet. It will get easier though! I'm not going to say it will go away, because it won't, but over time the sting does go away a little.

It's helped me just to not know how far along I would be at what point. I don't let myself think about it. If you think about hearing heartbeat/finding out gender/when showers would be, etc., it will kill you. Just block it out.

We have Angel Wings said...

Erin - I know that there are no words to take the pain away, but please know the way you're feeling is... well, normal.

I'm not going to say it gets better with time and I'm not going to say that one day you'll wake up and be fine.

What I am going to tell you is, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to cry and allow yourself to have bad days.

Losing 3 babies is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. You will never forget and you will hold your Angel close to your heart. And you'll remember October 22 forever and if you need to do something special for your Angel, then do so. Some people plant trees in their honor, some people release balloons on their due date, some people make "Angel Garden's" to honor their Angel baby. Do whatever feels right in your heart.

You're a survivor and one day the pain won't be so haunting.

((huge hugs))

♥ T

Eyes Wide Open said...

It sucks, Erin. Today is the due date for my first pregnancy, which I lost to miscarriage. The due date for my second pregnancy, which I also lost to miscarriage is in July, my 30th birthday. It's *so* hard not to think of what should be. We lost the second pregnancy just days before Christmas and I was really hurting, so my husband got me the nicest Christmas present this year. He ordered me stacking birthstone rings from Stella & Luna with the birthstones of our babies' due dates. I wear it every day and it helps me to feel like at least, in some way, they are still with me. And the sweetest thing he said to me when he gave me the gift: he ordered the stacking rings so we can add more to it when we do have our babies. Perhaps getting a small momento would help you to come to terms with your loss? I know it has helped me (though nothing will truly mend my broken heart).
Sending much positive energy your way.

Cadie said...

I'm so sorry. I have been following your blog now for quite a while, but rarely leave a comment. But, I wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family. I know what it's like to have something weigh heavily on your mind constantly. The baby girl that I am 7 months pregnant with has a kidney disease that the doctors have said will kill her. They told us that she will either be stillborn or suffocate in our arms. Through this though, I am here to tell you that God is a God of hope and is faithful. He is good and still in control. And, He will give you the strength if you lean on Him. I'll continue to pray for the healing of your heart. ((Hugs))

Crossing My Fingers said...

I hate that you're feeling this way! I'm praying for you girlie and hoping this IVF works out as beautifully as your first one. Side note: Did Tom get into the Chi Marathon this year?

The Oppold Family: said...

Erin,
I'm not sure if you've heard this song or read these words before. They've brought me some peace during the hardest times of my life, losing 3 babies. I'm praying they bring you some peace. Here is the link for the song: http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/317627921


“Glory Baby” by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Kahla said...

I know exactly how you feel. Not Pregnant is so much easier than a misscariage. I hate that saying that thigns happen for a reason, but I guess they do. If we had not lost the twins, we wouldn't have Emery... and I can't imagine a life without that little girl. Sending prayers.