Monday, March 14, 2011

Disbelief

I am trying so hard to be happy. I slap on a smile when we meet friends out for lunch; I shake off the pain as I hold a newborn baby. I slide my hand over the shirt hanging in Trevor's closet that reads Big Brother. I dedicate my days to soaking in my son and try hard to be thankful for what I have.

All along, my insides are screaming. I figured it would only hurt a little while. Like every negative I have endured in the past. But last time, it wasn't a negative. It was our baby.

I loved that baby for 2 years. I thought of our frozen embryos often, even when I felt Trevor kicking inside me. I couldn't get my hands on those embryos fast enough. When it was finally time to transfer them, I felt like I was bringing them home.

I had so much doubt through the waiting period..yet, Ive never seen Tom so sure of anything. He was right, we had a fighter! I went from loving some embryos to being IN LOVE with the baby(maybe babies) inside me. From the moment I saw that word on the test, that baby was part of our world.

I had so many hopes and dreams for that little angel. I pictured having two car seats in my car, sending out a Christmas card with a sweet newborn getting a gentle kiss from Trevor, a first trip to Disney to meet the Hopkins family. Our family would be one step closer to complete.

Now, I sit here, empty. Stressed and depressed. With a sarcastic smile and broken heart.

My first OB appointment would have been Friday. Instead, we will go to our IVF appointment. We will talk about medications and appointments. We will pay our fee and have blood taken. We will smile and nod and ask questions. I really cant believe I am doing this again.

But, I will look at Trevor and see WHY I am doing this again.






I just want it to stop hurting, PLEASE tell me it will stop!

14 comments:

Leah said...

After experiencing 2 miscarriages ( one a triplet pregnancy) and an ectopic pregnancy, I can honestly say that yes, the pain goes away. You will never forget and it will always sting, but you will heal and be ok. I'm so sorry that You are going through this.

Sue said...

I agree with Leah. I've only had one miscarriage, but the pain does subside. Of course you don't ever forget, but looking forward is what helps. btw, Trev is soooooooooooooooo cute

nicarv said...

Uhg infertility just plain sucks. I read this and can relate in so many ways. After our FET didn't work I think the loss was especially hard because we had been hoping and praying and thinking of those embryos for almost 2 years! (Just like you said, even when I was pregnant with our first IVF miracle I couldn't help but think of the frozen babies). I pray for extra measures of strength and endurance for you as you head into this next step.

Emily said...

I will agree with Leah and Sue. I've had a miscarriage and the pain does subside. In the back of my mind I think of our miscarried angel often, but the pain doesn't take my breath away the way it used to. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

Renee said...

I'm hoping it goes away too. I think about my miscarried angel every minute of every day. It hurts so much and I can't help but feel overwhelming sadness. I hope the pain subsides soon for both of us.

Lori B. said...

Erin, I just want to say that you are such an amazing person! I read your blog last night and my heart broke for you. I hate that you are going through this. Then I see where just after you wrote that, you posted such a sweet and uplifting message on my blog. It meant a lot that you took the time to be upbeat and positive for me! Please know that you have a ton of prayers going out for you and your family! Hope you appt goes well on Friday.

Shannon said...

It will be ok, and the pain will get better. It has been almost 6 years since my miscarriage and I can say there are many days I don't think about it at all. Do I still remember, sure, I will never forget. But the pain goes away and the thoughts that are left remind me that I have an angel in heaven waiting on me, and that my two kids have a big brother(I like to believe anyway) looking out for them. Hugs...the first few months are the hardest, but it will get better. Hug Trevor a little tighter and give him a few more kisses :)

B. Wilson said...

Totally weird to read your blog and see photos of places I've been and go to often!

Wishing you contentment in this time. I have no others words as I know the heartbreak that ensues...

twondra said...

Thinking of you sweetie. Wish there was something I could say or do. (((HUGS)))

Staci said...

I miscarried our second child in October 2004. I got pregnant with our daughter Abby shortly after which helped take away some of the pain but I always think about the baby I lost. Would it have been the brother Max so desperately wanted? A part of my heart will always be with that baby and I know I will be reunited with "him" one day. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I pray that you get your next miracle baby (ies) soon. Trevor is so precious and he looks like he is loving that balloon :)

jenn said...

i cant tell you when the hurt will lessen....but do know that you are not alone....we are all here to help you....and hug you....and cry with you...and some day soon, rejoyce with you!!!

Jodi said...

When we started trying for our second, it took a full year (almost exactly) to get pregnant, that pregnancy along with the following both ended in miscarriage.. I was torn apart, every single minute of every single day. If it wasn't for our son, I probably would have crawled into bed and stayed there. After making it past 12 weeks and seeing our precious baby #4 I was finally hopefull and little by little, day by day things got easier. And now? It still hurts knowing I will never meet those babies, but I am thankful every single day for the journey I took, because if it wasn't for those miscarriages my little girl wouldn't be here, our baby would be someone else. And I cannot imagine my life without her, she is so perfect!

Chaos And Calm said...

I am so sorry you hurt so much. I can not imagine what you are going through. Trevor is one of the cutest babies I have ever seen. I have this cycle in my prayers and thoughts.

Michelle @ between chaos and calm

Cin said...

Erin,

There are probably people out there who are sitting wondering what the problem is, after all you have a child! But YOU know you aren't done yet, you know there are bigger plans here. I knew that I wasn't done after two.

So vent, feel sad, express your grief. After all, you have lost two little pieces of Tom and yourself. Thats not something you just suck up and get over.


Take your time, you need to come to terms with your loss in your own precious time, not on a timetable set by anyone.

You know we'll be here for when the sunshine and rainbows come back. After all, friends have an umbrella when the rain comes down.