I am trying so hard to be happy. I slap on a smile when we meet friends out for lunch; I shake off the pain as I hold a newborn baby. I slide my hand over the shirt hanging in Trevor's closet that reads Big Brother. I dedicate my days to soaking in my son and try hard to be thankful for what I have.
All along, my insides are screaming. I figured it would only hurt a little while. Like every negative I have endured in the past. But last time, it wasn't a negative. It was our baby.
I loved that baby for 2 years. I thought of our frozen embryos often, even when I felt Trevor kicking inside me. I couldn't get my hands on those embryos fast enough. When it was finally time to transfer them, I felt like I was bringing them home.
I had so much doubt through the waiting period..yet, Ive never seen Tom so sure of anything. He was right, we had a fighter! I went from loving some embryos to being IN LOVE with the baby(maybe babies) inside me. From the moment I saw that word on the test, that baby was part of our world.
I had so many hopes and dreams for that little angel. I pictured having two car seats in my car, sending out a Christmas card with a sweet newborn getting a gentle kiss from Trevor, a first trip to Disney to meet the Hopkins family. Our family would be one step closer to complete.
Now, I sit here, empty. Stressed and depressed. With a sarcastic smile and broken heart.
My first OB appointment would have been Friday. Instead, we will go to our IVF appointment. We will talk about medications and appointments. We will pay our fee and have blood taken. We will smile and nod and ask questions. I really cant believe I am doing this again.
But, I will look at Trevor and see WHY I am doing this again.
I just want it to stop hurting, PLEASE tell me it will stop!