Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Case of the Should-Be's

I should be almost 10 weeks pregnant, happy to be 1/4 of the way done!..

Instead, I am not pregnant.

I should be getting excited about our NT scan in a few weeks..

Instead, my next doctors appointment will be a CD3 workup.

I should be ordering Trevor a personalized big brother shirt..

Instead, I will order him a Big Cousin one. That's the only Big he is.

I should be over it..

Instead, I am waist deep in grief.

I should be sporting a little bump..

Instead, I am just chubby.

I should be looking into the infant connector for our stroller..

Instead, I feel like an idiot for splurging on the nice double and bigger car.

I should have been more cautious with my heart..

Instead, I truly believed having a second child wouldn't be as hard as the first time.

I should be excited about my drugs being delivered today..

Instead, I am upset I still don't have my period and may have to wait another few weeks.

I should not be drinking alcohol..

Instead, I look forward to the beer or glass of wine after Trevor's asleep.

I should want to move forward..

Instead, Id give anything to go back.

One day, I am going to sit Trevor down, and tell him about this. About how he has been my glue the past few months. I will tell him about his baby in heaven that is looking over him. Tears will stream down my face as I think back to that dark place in our past. One day..


Once Upon A Time said...

HUGS Erin. I've been thinking about you a lot. Some day, some way Trevor will be a Big. I know it.

Mama KC said...

I'm so sorry hun. I had a huge case of the Should-Be's last August, just one week before the due date for Baby Button. :-( I remember crying on my husbands shoulder that I SHOULD-BE having a baby that day. I knew that this would have been his/her birthday because my OB thought it was best to schedule a c/s one week early for the baby I was pregnant with at that time...Monkey Man!

The moral of my story is that I had all that bloodwork done and we started trying again, and my Monkey was born just over three months after when Baby Button would have been born. So keep your chin up and stay strong. It's so hard, but you can get through it!

Jen said...

Oh Erin, I wish there was something I could say to take e hurt away...but you and I both know that is wishing for the impossible. Tears ran down my face as I read your post. Hang on tight to your glue baby girl. Xoxo. - Jen

LauraJane said...

I'm with one of your prior commenters when I saw Trevor will be a big one day :)

B. Wilson said...

I'd give ANYTHING to go back, too.

Also in the club of experiencing the "should be's" for the rest of my life.

Don't feel ashamed. I have a whole stinking room full of baby stuff I've never even used. It shall remain because I KNOW the future holds a baby and it holds more babies for you. :)

Lori B. said...

Erin you are in my thoughts and prayers! I hope AF visits soon and you get to start your IVF. I pray you have the same outcome as your first IVF :-)

Breanna said...

I agree with Once Upon A Time...someday Trevor will be a big. Hang in there. Prayers and hugs coming your way!

Stace said...

It's so hard. Your list sounds a lot like the list I made after we had the boys in July 09 and after Connor passed away. It was (and is) so hard to get past what "should have been".

Hoping and thinking of you!

twondra said...

(((HUGS))) We're all there for you sweetie.

Kahla said...

These little painful moments make us who we are. Trevor is a big brother, your baby was there. That is one thing about losing the twins, I felt like the only one who knew they existed was me (even though I know that's not the case). Hang in there, it's a hard road to travel, but it will make you stronger and when you do hold your baby for the first time you'll feel a connection so much deeper, just like you did with Trevor. It's just different when you've been down this path. I wouldn't choose it, but I know we were chosen because not everyone could handle it. (((HUGS)))

Mrs.Joe said...

I wish there was something I could do or say to fix this for you. My heart goes out to you!

beth ewing said...

girl as someone who has been there, this is all really normal. please don't be so hard on yourself saying that you should-be over this. to be completely honest i'm not sure you ever get over it. you learn to live with it and you choose to move forward but it's still always there in the back of your mind...and i've had another child since then. give yourself time to grieve in whatever way is best for you. but just know there is a light at the other end of the tunnel and i am convinced it includes at least one more child for you guys.

Cin said...


You should be cutting yourself some slack, is what you should be doing! You have raised your hopes so high and have had them dashed, its a long way to fall, give yourself time to recover from the landing.