Tuesday, February 22, 2011

WTF Appointment

Yesterday morning, we met with Dr. M. We drove out to a different office and I am thankful we don't have to drive there every time! We had a lot of questions to ask and hoped to walk away feeling confident and at peace.

We started from the beginning and asked what happened with our first FET. He said it went beautifully, just didn't work. Exactly what I thought.


We talked a lot about this FET. He still is unsure whether its a miscarriage or ectopic. We talked about steps that would need to be taken..even as far as a D & C, if needed. I surely hope my body can do this naturally and I can avoid any more medical intervention. I asked if it was a good or bad thing we got pregnant and lost it this cycle, he said neither.


We talked about our next steps, of course. IVF is our best option. In fact, our doc has the best success rates in the Midwest, 58% with fresh IVF and my age group. We asked how many he would transfer and he said 2 max.

For us to do an IVF cycle with him, we need updates infectious disease blood work, a day 3 blood work and ultrasound for me, semen analysis for Tom, and both of us to sign consents.

Since he is a one man practice, he groups his IVF's together(which makes me feel like a herded cattle). Apparently, they run every 2 weeks, beginning on Sundays. The next group is March 6th. Depending on when I get a period, I may have to go on BC to wait until the cycle starts. He said from day 1 to transfer, its about 17 days. That seems fast to me! I asked if all retrievals are done in the AM, since Tommy has no flexibility with work. He said yes, 99% of the time.

I left the appointment and as soon as we got in the car I started to cry. Hearing the word miscarriage over and over again hurt really bad. I haven't said it out loud yet..I cant believe I joined the club.


Knowing what obstacles we have to go through to get pregnant again and stay pregnant..I am simply terrified. I dread the injections I have to do myself, the daily appointments, the stress of taking off work last minute, going through retrieval again, the uneasy feelings as you wait to hear how many eggs they got, embryos you have..Now, I will have constant worry even if I see two pink lines again..on to the beta draws and until I see a beating heart inside me. IVF is no walk in the park.

I think deep down, I thought it would be easier after Trevor. I mean, my body did great being pregnant. I hoped it would figure out the getting pregnant part. Now, I cant even stay pregnant, so I am one hot mess.


Trevor and I had planned for weeks to go downtown with my family today, since I had the day off. I felt a lot of pressure down low all afternoon, like I could start gushing blood at any moment. I went to the bathroom and saw pink. On the way home from our day downtown, I figured I would call a nurse and get some appointments set up. I added my extra blood work and ultrasound for Wednesday, along with my hcg check. I set up a SA, blood work and consent signing appt for Tom for Friday. The nurse went on to tell me about how we have to pay upfront for the $1200 freezing/storage fee. I was shocked by this number, as it is double what my old clinic charged. And its so not in our budget to be paid on Friday. Or ever for that matter.

I get off the phone, thinking that if my hcg level cooperates, we just might get in on this March 6th batch. Sure enough, the nurse calls back and leaves me a message. With our insurance, we have to get approved for IVF. They want you to go in a very specific order to get things covered. They want the results from the SA first, which take about a week. We can not do any other blood work/testing until they approve. Which puts us back a whole period.

I expected it, honestly. Why would things go right? I still have to call her back tomorrow to get more details. They were closed when I got the message. For now, Tom will still go in Friday(Happy Birthday to him!) for just his SA. Then, we wait to get approved and can move on to the next steps.

When I walked in the door, I went to the bathroom and have been bleeding profusely ever since. I'm at a new low, as I officially miscarry our sweet angels. Every time I use the bathroom, which has been about every hour, I sink deeper and deeper. I will say I am glad I am bleeding on my own because I hope it means my body is ridding the hcg and my number will be much lower tomorrow.

The only good news of this post? My Mom came by last night, about 2 hours after we split from the day. She brought me the bottle of wine I suggested and a check..for $1200. Have I mentioned I have the best parents in the world before? Probably not enough..

34 comments:

Sue said...

Hang in there. We are all here for you, thinking of you and praying. Your mom is the best. Thanks for the update

Nikki said...

I don't normally comment but I love your blog and how honest you are.... Praying for you! And parents are amazing! I am very fortunate to have parents that help us out whenever we need it..

Misty McKinley said...

I have been following your journey for a couple of months....adding the occasional comment.

My husband and I struggled with infertility for over five years. Just when you think you have hit your lowest point....your cycle starts. My heart goes out to you right now.

I will be praying that you and your husband will be able to undergo IVF in the March 6th group.

~Rachel said...

Been thinking of you! Sorry you are going through this but glad you have the support of family! Hang in there girl!

Ashley said...

Sorry you are going through all of this. I am so glad that you at least have sweet Trevor to come home to, even on the worst days. I'm not sure how you feel about that 2 embryo max, but it took 3 really great embryos to make 1 baby in my case. I never had a fear of multiples and my doctor was fine with transferring 3. In fact, it was his idea. I guess you never know what to expect. Praying for you!

southern-newlywed said...

Your body is going through so much... I've had a miscarriage too and it makes me think twice about trying to ever get pregnant again.
It's a horrible feeling to lose your baby and I'm sorry that you are dealing with the whole ordeal.

I didn't know all of the tests, bloodwork, procedures, etc that goes into IVF.

Have you considered adoption?

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I'm sorry. I'm praying that you'll be able to get in on the March cycle for IVF.

Your parents seem great- that was so great of them to do for you guys!

Crystal said...

What in the world would we do without great parents? Sorry you are going through all of this, but at least you have supportive people to back you up! Stay strong.

Amber said...

Erin, my heart is honestly broken for you. I'm not even going to pretend to know how you feel because I just don't. I hope you are well.

Kim said...

I have never commented on your blog before...but I do enjoy reading it. I completely understand how you feel right not. We also struggled with infertility for years and through 4 miscarriages. Then my beautiful daughter was born. We didn't want to be done though, so we tried again...however we had another 3 miscarriages. We were completely done, we were ready to hang up the towel...and then we found out I was pregnant with our son.

I know it's hard and you question "Why?" everyday...100 times a day...and I don't have the answer. But, keep your chin up and look at that beautiful son of yours...and know in your heart that it can/will happen again.

Bless you and your family!!

ASHLEY said...

I've been thinking about you, sorry about what is happening. I will continue to pray that you find the strength you need to continue this journey. Your parents sound wonderful, thats something to be thankful for (which i know you are). Stay strong, you'll make it.

Courtney and the Boys said...

Praying for you. What an amazing family you have...just remember everything is in God's timing. Your children will be some of the luckiest to walk this Earth to know how very wanted they are...

Jen said...

Thinking of you Erin. I so hope things work out for a March cycle. What awesome parents you have, so glad you're surrounded by love during this difficult time. Sending love and good thoughts to you always.

Alicia said...

I read your blog all the time. I can't begin to understand what you are going through because I have been lucky enough to not struggle with infertility.

Trevor is precious and a miracle and a blessing all rolled into one. I can totally understand why you want a sibling for him.

My heart breaks for you because you are so hard on yourself in regards to your situation. This is no one's fault, it's impossible to explain, and like many have said, it will happen when it's meant to.

Sending prayers and good thoughts your way!

Beth said...

Hang in there honey. It hurts so bad...but it gets a little easier once the bleeding stops. I can't believe your mom gave you that check...that is seriously SO AMAZING...made me cry!!

Thinking of you.

Kim said...

Oh, my heart so goes out to you. You are in my prayers. I've never miscarried, or even gotten pregnant, so I don't understand all the emotions that you must be having. But just remember that you are loved and God has a way of making things right!

Megan said...

Erin, I don't have the right words. Just know you are not alone and that we're all holding you and your family tight in our thoughts and prayers right now.

Maggie said...

I don't usually comment but I just love your blog. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Brighter days are ahead!

Tiffany said...

Oh Erin my heart is broken for you, no one should have to go through the pain of IF or a m/c. It just isn't fair! I wish I could give you a huge hug and promise you that it is going to be okay. Soon enough you will be on the IVF jouney and my hope is that it is flawless and speedy with a double special outcome. Good things are in store for you, and if you don't believe it take a little glance over at your little miracle Trevor. I am so sorry you are going through this, but am glad you have so much support, your Mom seems amazing. My Mom did something similar on beta night of failed IVF #2, take your time to be sad and cry Mama, maybe a little break is for the best too. Huge hugs to you!

LC said...

So sorry Erin...thinking of you. I know how hard it is. I miscarried this past July. It's hard to imagine right now, but each day will get a lil easier than the last. I know there are not words to explain how you are feeling right now. Lots of love to you!

Cori said...

Miscarriages are so unfair. I really wish you did not have to join into this club. It is just not fair. I had a miscarriage this past July and the pain you feel is just so deep. I am praying for you and your upcoming IVF cycle. Try to hang in there!

grace said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this extra pain.

I hate how they are constantly saying "go in for more disease testing". It seems to add so much more time when we don't have any to waste.

I'm sad to hear he's grouping his patients now. That always sounds so assembly line to me. But, his rates have always been so good. I hope he can come through this time for you.

meredith said...

Miscarriage is tough. I've had two. So sorry :(

Joanna said...

I've had a miscarriage as well...it is such an unfortunate situation but it is very common...I'll be praying for you! Keep your faith girlie.

twondra said...

I have tears in my eyes reading this. It's no fair that anyone has too go through that.

What a sweet mom. Wow....you're so blessed and I know you know that.

Love you girl...always here for you!!

Ashley said...

I wish I could give you a hug and we could drink another bottle wine together!! I found out another one of my friends were pregnant today and with TWINS!! We would have been due 3 days apart. I know God has a plan for us...but it doesn't get easier. Praying for you girl!!

Crossing My Fingers said...

Sounds like great parents and I'm glad you were able to have things happen naturally with no intervention. I'm with you, I don't want to have "extra" medical stuff if I don't have to...as weird as that sounds since this whole process is lots of extra medical. Sigh..prayers hon!

beth ewing said...

i was in such a low place after my miscarriage. i know they are common but when you try so hard and don't know when you'll be pregnant again...it's even worse. so i know how you feel. i promise it gets better.

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

Your parents are so awesome! What a blessing from them and I pray that this next cycle will be another sweet miracle.

*HUGS*

J said...

I'm sorry you have to endure this.

You have wonderful parents. Our adoption agency called us out of the blue to tell me that we had gone active 6 months early. I didn't have the $2,000 that they needed ASAP but my beautiful Mama did. It is so nice to have loving parents when life comes crashing down on you. It is because of our parents that we will be such wonderful parents. :)

Jill said...

What sweet, sweet parents you have. :)

Jodi said...

YAY for you Mom! What would we do without parents!?

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I'm trying to look at the positive of everything for you...as hard and sad as it is to miscarriage, unfortunately it's so common. So, it doesn't mean something is "wrong" with you and you won't be able to stay pregnant. There are TONS of us who have miscarried and gone on to have healthy babies! :)

Also - I hope your insurance approves IVF for you. That's nice it's even an option, for many of friends, it wasn't even an option for it to be covered. I hope for you it is, they've paid $10,000-$20,000 each! UGH!

Hang in there! I hope your levels are down and can move forward!!

Staci said...

So sorry all this is happening Erin. On top of all the emotions you are going through, now you have to deal with insurance stuff again. God Bless you guys and your wonderful parents as well. You have a wonderful support system around you.

Ashley said...

I can't even imagine. I have only had the negative experience of an IVF cycle NOT working. Praying for you guys.