Thursday, February 24, 2011

Happy Birthday, Tommy!

I need to take a time out and rave about my husband. Today is the perfect opportunity, because its his birthday! My love is 25 now. Yay for being able to rent a car at a reasonable rate!

Ive always talked highly of my husband on here. We have endured a lot together and our bond is constantly getting stronger. There are days when I stop and say, "Do you have any idea how much I love you?" He always says yes, but I don't think he has any clue.

Tom has been my glue the last week. I got the call from the nurse on Wednesday afternoon. I had to keep it together..for 5 hours! I didn't want to cry in front of the kids. I couldn't talk on the phone because I knew if the tears started, they wouldn't stop. I gave Tom a quick call and told him the news. Then, I just texted him until I got off. He offered to come over, but I knew that I couldn't handle seeing him.

I left work and lost it. Cried harder than I have in my entire life. I got home, with puffy eyes and a runny nose and he just hugged me. He moved the ultrasound pic and note to the side of the fridge, out of direct sight. He changed the background pic on our computer from a newborn on of Trevor to a recent one. Subtle little things..trying to make it easier for me.

I sobbed on and off that night. Sidenote-It amazes me how Trevor knew to be sweet. He was hugging me and very concerned about me. Anyway, Tom kept his head held high, even though I knew he was devastated too. He just rubbed my back, told me it would be okay and never left my side.

He held out hope until our blood draw on Friday. When the results came back, I saw defeat in his eyes. I saw my husband cry. I can count on one hand how many times Ive seen him break down. I felt awful.

Since Friday, Tom has been super husband. Hes constantly checking in with me, telling me we can talk if I want to, leaving our future cycle plans in my hands, etc. He is the definition of supportive. Hes already optimistic about our next cycle, something I am lacking.

I'm just so sad for him. I watched him walk around with this goofy smile for the week we were pregnant. He was going to be a Dad of two. Have two sons, or maybe a daughter! He was glowing, I swear. I feel like I took that joy away from him. That was my birthday gift to him..a baby in my uterus. Now that its gone, I have nothing to give.

TJR-Your birthday is bittersweet this year. Not only because you're halfway to thirty. ;) I love you more today than I did yesterday. Thank you for being my other half and Trevor's father. I promise to get that sparkle back in your eye, whatever it takes. Forever and ever, babe.

Tom and Trev at his bday dinner last year

At the Auto Show last week, look at those smiles!

Trevor, giving his pirate cheese face, saying:


**Update since my last pot**
Of course I plan to have an ultrasound before we do anything drastic. They were making me wait because they said you can not see anything on ultrasound until the levels are in the 2000's. I called my nurse and expressed my want for an ultrasound and my desire to skip the methro shot if surgery was going to be inevitable. She said surgery almost never happens, and the shot is whats recommended. I'm freaked out after reading the risks that come along with it. What other choice do I have? So, tomorrow at 9:45 am, I will go in for blood and ultrasound. Depending on the findings, I will return in the afternoon for the injection. If there is an ounce of hope that something may be growing in my uterus, I will refuse it.
Many have asked how this could possibly be ectopic if I had a transfer to my uterus. I was baffled in the beginning too. Apparently, the embryos can still stray after transfer. Its extremely rare, my docs website says 5% of IVF patients have this. Aren't we lucky to be yet another statistic!?
I had Tom push on my belly last night and its super tender on the left side. I'm anxious for the appointment tomorrow to finally get a peek at my body. I hope we can see something, anything.


Kriss said...

Erin, I used to be an insurance agent. If you haven't already call your auto insurance and tell them Tom is 25. Alot of companies will give you a discount now instead of waiting until the renewal. Anyway, I hope you don't mind me writing this. I thought any money saved would help! -kriss

Sue said...

Glad you are having the US. Will be thinking of you tomorrow am.

Joy said...

You do have a choice, I know a couple of people who refused for ethical reasons.

Good luck tomorrow ~ and Happy Birthday to your guy!!

Amber said...

Happy Birthday, Tom!!

Glad you're getting an ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully they will be able to tell what is going on. Try not to get too worried about the shot. I'm not sure what dose I had, but it was two shots (one time), and I had no problem. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.

sarah@homeismore said...

I have never commented before, and I know I dont know you- I am praying for the peace that passes all understanding to come over you as you go through this. I am praying for the hands that will perform the ultrasound, for the doctor who makes the recommendations, and for you to find the hope you need to carry on.

Nichole said...

I am crossing my fingers for you both!

Beth said...

Happy Birthday to Tom!! I hope you can celebrate despite all the other crappy stuff going on. I'm not sure if you will read this before you OB office closes but before I got my second dose of methotrexate I got a second opinion from my ob. Remember, now that you are pregnant, your ob is just as knowledgeable if not more so about this as your RE. If you feel like you might want to go the surgery option, it doesn't hurt to run it by them and see what they think or if they would be willing to do the surgery. I really trust my ob (probably more than my RE) so I did seek his opinion throughout this journey when we went through it. I just wanted to throw out another option if you are feeling like you don't have many. Hang in there and I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.

Angela said...

Happy Birthday, Tom! I love all the loving things you write about your hubby. Your love for each other is beautiful.

Kim said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow morning. I hope everything goes as well as possible. Love the pics!

Shannon said...

Im so sorry for your loss, I suffered a loss last year and it is awful, this is a poem that really means alot to me still, so I thought I'd share it with you!

To the baby I lost...

My little one

You have left us too soon

Though my body can no longer hold you

I hold you forever in my heart

As precious and beautiful as a flower caught in time

A mother's love does not forget

Keep your chin up!!:)

Bren said...

Happy Birthday to your husband!
I also wanted to agree with the surgery route, I had a D&C when I has a missed miscarriage. I was terrified of passing my baby and seeing everything because my friends who had gone through it told me it was horrible. If you feel you can not go through with that please go to your OBGYN and speak to them if this does turn out to be something other then a healthy pregnancy, I am praying it is a healthy baby and things work out for you but if they don't do what you feel is best for you. I had a lot of closure to my miscarriage even though it took me so long to heal and I never truly got passed it till I got pregnant with this baby and even then I was terrified of going through that all over again and it made me long for the baby I lost and want this baby so much more then I ever thought. I know you understand this with your struggles. It seems like we are part of this secret club no one wants to join but somehow we end up here. Take care of yourself mentally and physically and cry, let it out, be emotional and do whatever you need to do!

The Riggs Family said...

Hang in there. It sounds like your husband is amazing and if anyone deserves to be the parents of two children, it's you two.

Leslie Lambert said...

You are going to be so heavy on my heart tomorrow. I'm going to be honest - I really feel like you might have a miracle brewing in there. :) Keep the hope...because like you said, that's all we have at this point!

Praying, praying, praying!

Jessica said...

Just checking in and hoping that all went ok today...

Sue said...

Hope you're ok

Molly said...

happy birthday to your hubs!

i am so soooo sorry for your loss. it is times like these that make you really depend on each other and you must have one tough marriage now! hope you got answers that you needed at your appointment. ((HUGS))

Kriss said...

I keep checking your blog for an update. Haven't been able to stop thinking about you and your family. Hope everything is ok. ((hugs))

Patterson Family said...

Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you. Hope you got some answers on Friday.