Sunday, February 27, 2011

Fridays Update

My appointment was at 9:45am on Friday. I had Tom come with me, in case anything crazy happened. We went back and had my blood drawn. Then, I had a very thorough ultrasound. What did they find? NOTHING! Nothing in the uterus, a thick lining, no cysts or masses on my ovaries, etc. Everything looked just fine. Other than there wasn't a baby in there.

She gave me paperwork on the injection and also gave me the prescription. We drove home, let down from the appointment. We dropped the script and told them we would call if we wanted it filled. She called me at 1pm and said my level dropped to 534. I was SO happy to avoid the injection. I was seriously going to grill her if she called and said I needed it. I was uneasy about all the effects of it. I am very happy the level is decreasing on its own. I return tomorrow for another blood draw. I am really tired of driving 30 minutes to the clinic, at 6am, before working 10 hours. I hope tomorrows number is way down and I can wait another week to return!

So, we still don't know. Ectopic or miscarriage? I don't know if we will ever be sure..depends on what tomorrow brings. I was leaning toward preferring the ectopic, as long as my body can rid it naturally. I didn't like the thought of my body losing the baby via miscarriage. With an ectopic, the baby(maybe babies) tried hard to hold on, just in the wrong spot. Now, after reading all the aftermath of an ectopic pregnancy, Id be happier with a miscarriage. They happen ALL the time and most women go on to have viable pregnancies. Id be happier with a miscarriage..did I really just write that?

Mentally, I'm not okay. I think about it 24/7. I wish I could just get a 5 minute break from myself. Everything is a reminder of what could have been.

These Rascal Flatts lyrics describe it perfectly.

"It's not supposed to go like that
It's not intended to end that way
Life is a journey constantly turning
Down an unknown path
But it's not supposed to go like that"

There are two things I keep focusing on that I need to get out of my head.

#1-My kids being 2 yrs apart. I have always, always wanted this. Trevor would have been within weeks of 2 when this baby was born. Now, he will clearly be 2, maybe even 3, before he gets a sibling. This is not the end of the world, but it really makes me sad.

#2-We only have 2 retrievals left. I keep thinking about how we've put 6 embryos in and only got 1 child. What if we do a full IVF and it still doesn't work? What if we try FETs again? Obviously, they don't agree with my body. My insurance covers 2 more retrievals in my lifetime. I'm 24, with one child and I want 4 more. I don't like the odds of that.
Tom keeps telling me not to focus on that and know that if we need to do more IVF cycles than our insurance alots, we would make it work. Take out a loan, work overtime, whatever it takes.

I wish I knew what I needed to heal. Will it take until I get pregnant again?

Ill tell you one thing, I have never been more in love with Tom. I cant get over these feelings I have for him..almost like when we first started dating. I'm so thankful this has brought us closer, rather than strained our marriage. I feel like we can get through anything, as long as were doing it together.

Oh, and this other little guy helps too. We've actually done more than just doctor visits the past few weeks. Here's a recap:

His last music class-his two faves were the hula hoops and scarves!

Playing at the Navy Pier children's museum

Daddy's birthday-another matching outfit :)

Playing with Tyler

Ending his ride with a kiss

Relaxing at the cottage


Sue said...

Thanks for the update, glad you avoided the injection. Love the pics. Already praying for the next solution for your family :)

We have Angel Wings said...

I'm so sorry Erin. ((hugs))

VICKYFF said...

Wish all of the network of friends have a new start .
Scarves Scarves
hope you have a great 2011. Thanks for the link, sweetie!
Titanium Necklaces

beth ewing said...

i've been there and i still don't know what to say to make you feel better...b/c there is nothing. i only promise that it will get better. and i feel confident you will go on to have another healthy pregnancy...or more. i understand completely the 2 years thing. that is me completely and mine are almost 4 years apart b/c i had secondary infertility. i will be honest with you, i still mourn that sometimes. but then sometimes i watch miller get to be the big brother and i love that he was old enough to know what is going on. hang in there girl.

grace said...

Just some hugs today. Infertility really tests the husband/wife relationship. It tears us apart, and it brings us closer together. I'm glad you guys are in the "closer together" area right now, you need each other to get through this confusing time.

Patterson Family said...

Sorry you're going through this. Hopefully, your number will keep going down! I know exactly what you mean about only 2 more retrievals...that's us, too, and we've never been able to freeze any embryos. Take care of yourself and enjoy the time with Tom and Trevor.

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry - I had been praying all weekend that you had gotten great news and just hadn't had a chance to post yet.

I completely understand the timing issue... every time I got pregnant in between #s 1 and 2, I would think "they'll be X number of months apart, and that's PERFECT!" and then I would be so upset when it wouldn't work out.

As it happened, the timing was absolutely perfect in the end. My kids are 27 months apart, and I couldn't have asked for anything better. My son was old enough to really understand what was going on, and be part of my pregnancy, but young enough that they're close and will grow up together.

God will ensure that everything is perfect for your family, too. It's hard to see when things aren't going the way you hoped, but everything will work out for the best!

Hang in there. I hope today's beta is much lower!

Jodi said...

Sorry again! I know it's hard to not think of the what if's, especially for those of us who are planners. My kids are to the day, 3.5 years apart. My goal was 2-2.5 years apart. But, secondary infertility and a miscarriage messed that up. Now that it is what it is, I LOVE it! It will work out and whatever happens will be great because it will be your family!

Hang in there and I hope the beta's start getting lower faster!

Crossing My Fingers said...

So happy that you didn't have to do the injection! Sorry no answers though...don't give up. Erin, you're one of the most positive bloggers out there and you'll have your babies when it's time. Hugs and prayers.

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

I have gotten pregnancy (successfully) three times after two miscarriages. So yes, there is hope after miscarriages. I don't know why these things happen but it definitely sucks and I'm so sorry!

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

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