My appointment was at 9:45am on Friday. I had Tom come with me, in case anything crazy happened. We went back and had my blood drawn. Then, I had a very thorough ultrasound. What did they find? NOTHING! Nothing in the uterus, a thick lining, no cysts or masses on my ovaries, etc. Everything looked just fine. Other than there wasn't a baby in there.
She gave me paperwork on the injection and also gave me the prescription. We drove home, let down from the appointment. We dropped the script and told them we would call if we wanted it filled. She called me at 1pm and said my level dropped to 534. I was SO happy to avoid the injection. I was seriously going to grill her if she called and said I needed it. I was uneasy about all the effects of it. I am very happy the level is decreasing on its own. I return tomorrow for another blood draw. I am really tired of driving 30 minutes to the clinic, at 6am, before working 10 hours. I hope tomorrows number is way down and I can wait another week to return!
So, we still don't know. Ectopic or miscarriage? I don't know if we will ever be sure..depends on what tomorrow brings. I was leaning toward preferring the ectopic, as long as my body can rid it naturally. I didn't like the thought of my body losing the baby via miscarriage. With an ectopic, the baby(maybe babies) tried hard to hold on, just in the wrong spot. Now, after reading all the aftermath of an ectopic pregnancy, Id be happier with a miscarriage. They happen ALL the time and most women go on to have viable pregnancies. Id be happier with a miscarriage..did I really just write that?
Mentally, I'm not okay. I think about it 24/7. I wish I could just get a 5 minute break from myself. Everything is a reminder of what could have been.
These Rascal Flatts lyrics describe it perfectly.
"It's not supposed to go like that
It's not intended to end that way
Life is a journey constantly turning
Down an unknown path
But it's not supposed to go like that"
There are two things I keep focusing on that I need to get out of my head.
#1-My kids being 2 yrs apart. I have always, always wanted this. Trevor would have been within weeks of 2 when this baby was born. Now, he will clearly be 2, maybe even 3, before he gets a sibling. This is not the end of the world, but it really makes me sad.
#2-We only have 2 retrievals left. I keep thinking about how we've put 6 embryos in and only got 1 child. What if we do a full IVF and it still doesn't work? What if we try FETs again? Obviously, they don't agree with my body. My insurance covers 2 more retrievals in my lifetime. I'm 24, with one child and I want 4 more. I don't like the odds of that.
Tom keeps telling me not to focus on that and know that if we need to do more IVF cycles than our insurance alots, we would make it work. Take out a loan, work overtime, whatever it takes.
I wish I knew what I needed to heal. Will it take until I get pregnant again?
Ill tell you one thing, I have never been more in love with Tom. I cant get over these feelings I have for him..almost like when we first started dating. I'm so thankful this has brought us closer, rather than strained our marriage. I feel like we can get through anything, as long as were doing it together.
Oh, and this other little guy helps too. We've actually done more than just doctor visits the past few weeks. Here's a recap: