Friday, February 18, 2011

Dream To Nightmare

Sigh, I would give ANYTHING to be off this roller coaster.

Let me catch you up to speed.

I went in today and my beta was 244. Dropped less than 10 points in 50 hours.

I made a consult appointment for Monday morning. That way, we can talk about what the hell happened with FET #1 and more importantly, what the FUCK(excuse my language) happened with FET #2. She said they would check my level again Monday. Poor Tom was holding out hope and was heartbroken after the call. I would rather be in pain that see him in pain..

THEN,

She calls me back 30 minutes later. Says Dr. M. thinks it may be ectopic, since the numbers are decreasing so slowly. They want to wait to do my blood work until Wednesday, to give it more time to decrease. If it is still high, they will give me a methotrexate injection on Thursday. I was instructed to not have sex and call immediately if I have any pain.



After staring at google for the past hour, my brain is FRIED! I found out the metho injection doesn't work very often and usually requires surgery also. Apparently if you have an ectopic pregnancy, you have a higher chance of it happening again. Theres also this insane heterotopic pregnancy where one embryo implants in the uterus and one in the tube.

I hate not knowing what is going on in my body. I despise being in limbo.

Ive read blogs for a long time. I love reading women's stories, good or bad. I always felt terrible for people with failed IVF cycles and miscarriages. I felt fortunate that wasn't us. Well, I am now the woman others pity.

Tom and I are having the hardest time understanding why it was given to us, just to be taken away? Why couldn't the test have just said NO like I expected? It would have hurt, but we would have gotten through it. Instead, we lived a dream for a week and now were stuck in our worst nightmare.

25 comments:

Jen said...

So sorry that you and Tom are going through this. I hope you get some answers and explanations very soon.

Amber said...

I understand what you are going through...limbo land SUCKS!! We went through the same thing back in Sept/Oct 2008 (my first pregnancy) except my number kept rising - VERY slowly. I had two shots of methotrexate and it worked just fine. If you have to do that, it may work fine for you, too. Don't get too worried about it until you need to.

Unfortunately, this is a time when you hope that number drops like crazy and fast. Take some time to heal and then move forward.

((((HUGS)))

Leslie Lambert said...

I wish that nobody had to go through that limbo. Trust me...that was the hardest two weeks of my life, no question. I know exactly what you mean about just getting a not pregnant instead of having this...I said that many, many times when we were in it.

Praying for you!

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

Erin, I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and that this truly sucks. You don't deserve to be going through this horribly heartbreaking situation. I sincerely hope they can figure out what is going on soon so you can get out of limbo. I'll keep you guys in my prayers, as always.

Bobbi said...

My gosh. Just a simple "not pregnant" would've done the trick for you guys. But to go through all this and still not have answers. I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's so unexpected, that's for sure! I wish today's numbers revealed something different.

Sue said...

Thinking of you

Jaime said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Thinking of you during this tough time.

Kahla said...

I'm so sorry Erin. I always said I would rather have had a negative than to miscarry the twins because it would have been less painful. I hope you get answers soon. This just sucks. :0( I was holding out hope with Tom.

Carla said...

I am truly sorry for you!! I have been following you since right after you had Trevor and today I sat down and read your whole blog. I just wanted to know your whole story. I have to say that you are such a strong women!! I HATE that you have had such a hard time getting pregnant!! It really just isn't fair!!! I PRAY that everything works out for you and your family!! I know you will be pregnant soon!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Ashley said...

I am so sorry you are going through this! Praying you guys get answers soon!

vicki said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, I've been there in that limbo, of number testing and ups and downs my thoughts are with you.
x

Renee said...

I just want to say that I am praying for you. I, too, read many blogs and have always felt bad for women who struggle with fertility or with failed pregnancies. Then last month, I joined the group when we learned at our 11 week ultrasound that I was carrying an empty sac. It's not the same as what you're going through, but I'm sure we share the same frustration, sadness, questions, etc. It sucks

Beth said...

I know exactly what you mean when you said "why couldn't the test just have said no"...I think that way all the time. Why was such a miracle given to us then to be taken away just as quickly? It doesn't make sense...and we will never know why this terrible things happened. I'm so sorry for you guys...it just doesn't make any sense. I'm praying for you guys tons.

grace said...

I'm so sorry. I wish it could have just been a no for you, too, instead of this awful game.

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, my heart just breaks for you. I was thinking and praying for you all day yesterday and am heartbroken to see this. I know there are no words and I'm sure even "I'm sorry" is getting old. Just know I'm always here for you. (((HUGS)))

Jen said...

Oh Erin, I am so very sorry you are going through this. No woman deserves to feel this kind of pain... and especially one who has been through so much already. My thoughts will stay with you and Tom.

Kriss said...

Erin will they let you have an ultrasound before taking the shot?

LCSween said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I want to share that I know exactly how you are feeling as this happened to me in September. I had an ectopic (first pregnancy) and had the methotrexate shot, but my numbers did not decrease so they gave me a second shot a week later. It is rare that you would need surgery, but if the shots do not work it is a possibility. ((HUGS)).

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry. How horrible to be in limbo.

ashley said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I had an ectopic pregnancy with my first pregnancy and then four miscarriages thereafter and finally a healthy baby on our sixth attempt. I can tell you with the ectopic, my stomach hurt from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I was only just a little over 5 weeks along and the sac in my fallopian tube ruputured and had to get emergency surgery. during this time, my hcg numbers did drop slowly. My second pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage, had slowly dropping hcg numbers as well that my doctor thought might have been ectopic as well. the methotrexate does work very well with an ectopic pregnancy as long as it is caught early. I feel your pain and I hope you get some answers soon. :(

beth ewing said...

i always thought we hadn't had a miscarriage b/c God knew i couldn't handle it. i would rather a negative each month then to get pregnant and lose it...then it happened to me. found out at 4 weeks and then at my 10 week appt found out the baby hadn't grown since 5 weeks. i had 6 weeks to get attached only to lose it. it sucks! i wish i had words of wisdom but to be honest it rocked my world. but i promise you'll be ok...someday.


promise me you'll have them do an ultrasound before taking that shot thing. my cousin had a suspected ectopic, took that and then the OB said it might not have been. the baby was gone and they had no way of knowing if it was viable.

so sorry girl. really wish this wasn't happening to you guys.

Crossing My Fingers said...

Prayers for some answers for you and your family. Hugs lady!

John & Michelle said...

I just found you, and couldn't tell you how really. I love that you describe your Trevor as the happiest baby ever! We are fostering to adopt (4 back surgeries left me unable to carry a child) the most awesome, happiest, most friendly gorgeous baby girl in the world! Please know that I'll be praying for you and I TOTALLY trust the Lord's timing! I prayed for a daughter for 12 yrs before we got the call to meet our Piper at the hospital! (((HUGS))) from Cookeville, TN, Michelle

The Pifer's said...

Praying for y'all love!

Beth said...

I'm so sorry! Just when you think you have gone through everything infertility has to throw at you...it seems to find one more thing. As far as the methotrexate, my first shot didn't work, but the second shot did. My highest number was around 900 and it took a few weeks to finally get me back to 0. I know this can be a VERY emotional time. You do so much to get pregnant and now not only do you have to process the loss of your baby(ies) but also continue to seek medical treatment to try to resolve everything. I will be thinking of you!!