Saturday, February 19, 2011

Blissful Week

Everything in black was written on Tuesday. I planned to add Wednesdays beta number and post it that afternoon. Sadly, I never got the chance to post what I wanted.

An entire week has gone by since I found out I am pregnant. What a week it has been. I'm going to try to remember all the details so I can look back and smile.

Wednesday, Feb.9th-I slept horrible that night, for the 3rd in a row. Trevor got up 3 times and just wanted to be held. I knew something was wrong with him because that kid always sleeps. When my alarm went off, I stayed in bed longer than usual. I was dreading peeing on a stick. I knew it was still early and I was positive Id see a negative, but I had to do it anyway.

I got up and peed. I placed the stick in the cabinet, totally out of sight. I got dressed and started to do my makeup. I peeked at the was still flashing the hourglass. I thought, "It sure is taking a while to think about it!" I continue and peek again. PREGNANT. Holy cow! I start to tear and walk to Tom. I say, "Babe, It says pregnant!" Tom hops up out of bed and hugs me. We kiss, I cry, I smile, Tom says he knew it..etc. All the while, I'm rushing to get ready for work since I was running late to begin with. I am beaming and I call Evan. We talked for a few minutes and I rushed out the door. I knew it was going to be a long day, but a happy one.

I made Trevor another appointment at the doctor. His illness had to be something more than a virus. Tom took him over at 10 am and sure enough, he had secondary pneumonia and an ear infection. UGH! They gave him two antibiotics and sent them on their way. I called stores all morning, looking for a big brother shirt. I had one, but gave it to my sister after our failed FET. I didn't want that thing haunting me in the closet. I put one on hold at Kohls and Tom picked it up later in the day.

We went about our day with the biggest smiles on our faces. It was completely surreal. I kept staring at the picture of the test on my phone. I couldn't have had a better day.

We were so anxious to share our news and it happened to be my nephew, Braydons birthday. We already planned to meet for ice cream. Perfect timing. When I got home from work, we ate a quick dinner and rode to Toms moms house to tell them quickly. We put Trev in his shirt and when we unzipped the jacket they saw it. It took a few minutes to process but they were excited.
Then, we went to meet my family. My Dad and brothers werent going to be there, so I called my Dad on the way to let him know. I took Trevor's Big Bro shirt off and we ate some ice cream with the fam. Trevor was feeling okay and one of the few foods he was willing to eat was ice cream, so we decided to go.

After about 20 minutes, I took Trevor in the bathroom. We walked out and everyone was talking and not paying attention. They looked over and saw this:

They were shocked! They couldn't believe we could keep it a secret. They asked a lot of questions to try and process it. Everyone was ecstatic!

I asked Brady to call my two brothers and let them know the special news. They were both at class so he left messages. He was distracted playing a board game while talking and all I heard him say at the end of the message was, "And, its a girl!" I said, "Brady, did you just tell Uncle Mike that Auntie Erin is having a baby and its a girl?" He said yep!! Apparently he combined all the big news in our family recently. Too funny..

We relaxed when we got home. Here is the first picture of all 3 of us snuggling. :)

Thursday, Feb. 12-I worked and Tom stayed home with Trevor all day. As soon as I got home, I peed on another stick. I wanted to see that pretty word again. Trevor got ahold of the sticks..don't worry, I wiped them down beforehand.

Uh, guys? What do these mean!?

Friday, Feb. 11-Trevor woke up earlier than normal, but seemed to feel better. My blood draw was at 8am. I got home and planned on taking him to his music class, but he was far too tired. So, all 3 of us took a nap. Then, we headed to the mall and did a little shopping. They called on the way home, beta was 128. Yipee! Tom and everyone else is sure its twins. I feel like its just one little monkey.

Saturday, Feb. 12-We went grocery shopping while Tom went to the range. I baked all afternoon and got stuff ready for Sunday. Trevor was 100% better at this point. Thank God!

Sunday, Feb. 13-We had 7 friends and a 2 yr old over for a Valentines day waffle bar. It went amazing! I had bacon and sausage and juices and coffee. The waffle recipe I found was delicious. When it was time for Trevor to eat, I said I wanted to put something else on him so he wouldn't ruin his VDay shirt. He came out in another Big Bro shirt. 2 of my girlfriends cried. Everyone was happy! It felt so great to share the news with our close friends.

That night, I gave Trevor his Valentines Day gifts. He was pleased.

Monday, Feb. 14-I had my blood draw at 6:30 am. I anxiously waited for the call back and was disappointed when it came back at only 266. I researched and stressed. Stressed and researched. I looked back on my blog at Trevor's betas and sighed a little.

Tuesday, Feb. 15-Another day, another worry. I just wanted to fast forward 2 weeks, so I can see my baby's heartbeat! I know I am terrified because I have no desire to tell more people about our news.

TODAY-Wednesday, Feb. 16-Beta #3 was drawn at 6:45 am.

It hurts so bad to read that, but I feel like I need to remember how good it felt..if only to try and be hopeful for next time. We never imagined such a great beta would turn out this way. We had kept our secret in for 6 weeks and would have exploded if we couldn't tell everyone our amazing news. God only knows how long Ill wait to tell next time..maybe 6 months?
There were other tidbits through the week that are worth mentioning. I bought Tom this book told from the babys point of view. Its called, I cant wait to meet my Daddy. I planned to write a sweet note fro Ooh & Aah, thanking him for being so sure of them. I was going to give it to him this Thursday, for his birthday. Also, I ordered Trevor a Baby Stella doll, the little boy. I wanted him to learn the word baby and snuggle it. I will still include it in his Easter basket. But, it'll be another reminder of why he was getting it.
I feel pretty terrible today. The kind of hurt that starts in your heart and makes you have physical pain in your body. I cant get my mind to think about anything else.
I'm extremely scared for the conversation we will be having Monday morning. I mean, we have now put 6 beautiful embryos in me and only one became our son. Those are not good odds. Why cant they hold on? I feel like a total failure. And I don't know what to do differently.
We had a failed FET at Christmas. I didn't think it could get worse. Here I am, stuck in the worse. Where do we go from here? Up, I hope.
*I just realized today is the day that Trevor was placed back inside me 2 years ago. I am thankful for him every second. He is giving us strength through all of this. Its hard to believe that cycle is now 100% done. We closed that chapter and have nothing to show for it. Ugh.*


Jessica said...

I know I haven't been through the IVF or FET process, but I have definitely been through miscarriages... I know how so much hope is tied to that second line or the beauty of that one word showing up on the screen, and how everything comes crashing in when you feel like you have been given a lifetime of promise and had it all taken away in a split second. It's so hard to look ahead and believe that things are going to work out. It's hard to allow yourself to hope right now, when you're still in the middle of grieving and the loss doesn't quite feel real. I felt like the miscarriages that I had in between my two children were harder than before I had my first... because I couldn't understand why everything could have gone "perfectly" to get my son, but things didn't fall into place again? Plus, once I already had one, I knew exactly what I was missing. I can't put myself in your shoes, but I can tell you that I am praying for you and I very strongly believe that another miracle will bless your family soon. I'm so sorry for your loss :(.

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

Erin, it breaks my heart to read this. I hate that everything has turned out to be so incredibly upsetting and devastating. I am so sorry for everything you guys have been through already, and I really hoped things would work this time. I am thinking about and praying for you. I hope that God helps you through this and brings you your second baby very soon.

Ashley said...

Erin, I have no words to say that will make it better, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm praying you guys get some answers and that things will start to go up for you guys!

Leslie Lambert said...

I know it feels like you will wait 6 months to tell right now, but that feeling will pass. Honestly, I want to tell immediately next time we're pregnant, just so I can share that joy with someone, no matter how short it is. I want those people to know the backstory, but I feel like it's important to share the happy too.

It seems so, so impossible to realize right now, but the hard part of this will pass! It still hurts, but it doesn't always last like this.

Angela said...

I think it's good that you recorded the joy you felt. For the brief week you had the baby(s) you celebrated and loved them. That's a beautiful thing.

So sad for yours and Tom's and Trevor's loss. Praying for comfort for you guys.

Melissa said...

So sorry. Its hard to understand why things happen the way they do. I have to tell myself that "Gods ways are not my ways" so I may never understand why things happen and they may not make any sense but he is in control. Hugs to you!

The Pifer's said...

My heart aches for you sweet friend, I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I know during moments like these not alot can be said. Just know I am praying for you, always!

Love ya!

Ella said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Erin. I know it feels like you shouldn't have shared your news with everyone... I've been in that place before. But now those people are there for you, to support you and see you through this difficult time... do not feel embarrassed or ashamed for telling... it was a happy time, it will always be a time that was happy... that you were pregnant. I know exactly how you are feeling right now and I am just so, so sorry. I wish no one ever had to go through the heartache of miscarriage. :(

Rachel said...

I feel so terrible for you, Erin. I keep checking your blog for a miracle post about how the doctors were wrong, or someone f*cked up your labs or something. I think going through infertility throws us for a loop. We can so easily place ourselves into each other's shoes because we have experienced such a deep pain that can only be felt by a woman dealing with infertility. I seriously feel your pain. I dread the day I start TTC again because I almost KNOW I will have a miscarriage, if I can even get pregnant again.

Anyway, I am still praying and holding out hope for a miracle. Take care...

Stace said...

It broke my heart to read this post. Miscarriage is such an awful thing. When we had the miscarriage before the boys we did exactly what you guys did- we exploded to share the news because we were so excited. It was such a blissful, perfect week. But when it all came crashing down, we were crushed and, not only that, but we felt like we had failed everyone else too.

But I know the three of you are strong and you will manage to pull through. It will always be a raw spot that will never fully go away- but hopefully the darkness will fade.

I'm hoping you find some answers on Monday. Thinking of you, Tom, and Trev. xo

Once Upon A Time said...

Erin, I've been thinking about you a lot. Continue to take comfort in that little sweetie.

Meant to be a mom said...

Erin my heart is breaking for you. There isn't much I can say other than I'm praying for you guys. I truly am so sorry to hear that this cycle is going this way.
There is nothing that can stop the hurt a mother feels when a baby doesn't make it into our lives. Its nothing anyone should feel.

Thinking of you guys so much.

Meant to be a mom said...

In no way is this going to make you feel better but its something I realized after we had our sweet Cooper. I had a miscarriage, just one. And just one is enough to show a person the pain. (I thank God it hasn't been more). But my point is, for whatever reason God decided to take our angel baby to heaven with him before we got to have him. He gave us our sweet Cooper and had we not lost our other angel child Cooper never would have been. I became pregnant with him before I would have even given birth to the other baby. So for whatever reason God had a plan for us to have this particular baby here on earth to live and grow with us. I thank him for that, for getting us through it. This does not make things any better, but I just want to encourage you that God does have such good plans for you and your beautiful family. I know he does. I wish we knew them but unfortunately that just doesn't happen. I'm praying for you guys sweetie.
Hugs !

Jodi said...

I know these words won't help you now, but I'm thinking of you. While I haven't been through the FET or IVF process, I do know what a miscarriage feels like. Awful! I'm so sorry. But you were right to be happy and excited and you will be again! The people you share the good news with early are also the ones you need to lean on when you are down.

I hope you're consult appt will give you some answers and hope. Also, ectopic pregnancies can be very scary, please please go in if you feel any pain or cramps.


Mrs. Hammer said...

I'm so so so very sorry to hear what has happened to you. I'll be praying for you and your family during this time. I also pray that you are not experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. Hang in there Erin!

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

My dear sweet online friend - my heart is with you as you go through this. I have had two miscarriages and also felt like a big fat failure. But as hard as it is to understand it wasn't you. *HUGS*

Kathryn said...

Arrived here via Joy (When Does Daddy Come Home?) and I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry. As someone who went through a lot of very early miscarriages, I know firsthand the devastation and crushing loss of the hopes and dreams that you had for this baby. There are really very little words that I can say that will comfort you, only please know that I am thinking of you and your family, most especially your precious angel baby.

Brice Barnes said...

my heart aches for you and your family! i wish it was so much easier!

-brice (

Michele said...

HUgs... Many hugs...

Jennifer said...

Oh Erin...I am just catching up and I am just so very very sorry. I just have no words that will take away this pain so I'm just going to say I'm praying for you and will continue to.
Much love