Monday, January 24, 2011

My Dream

I came across this on another blog and wanted to share.

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown

The one line that really stuck with me since reading this a few days ago is My dream will be crying for me. I have been in such a bad place ever since our negative FET cycle. Its mainly fear of the unknown. If someone came up to me and said, "You will be pregnant by June." I would sit back, relax and enjoy the next 4 months. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I have no clue if this FET will work. I don't know if a fresh IVF cycle would be successful. I fear that we will use all our our insurance coverage and be left with nowhere to turn.

That being said, I need to stop filling my mind with these thoughts. I need to focus on the little dream sleeping in his room right now. I need to be positive that I will be holding his brother or sister soon. I need to keep my head high, no matter how bad my heart hurts. I need to stop the tears.

Because, one day, my {second} dream will be crying for me.


Melissa said...

I've read this somewhere else and that line stuck out to me as well.
We are planning on trying for #2 soon...which means a new fresh cycle of IVF. We didn't have any frozen. Plus Insurance doesn't cover IVF for us so its all from our pockets. I am praying it works again and we can give our daughter a sibling but if it doesn't I am just so thankful we have her. I constantly read others blogs who are still trying for #1 and it breaks my heart - I will never forget the pain of an empty house. We are blessed Mommies!! Good luck with this next cycle!

Lori B. said...

I too have read that before and I absolutely love it! You were completely justified to have some grieving time after the FET. But I'm glad you still have hope! Trevor will be a big brother soon.

Evan Nicole said...

OMG. I love this. And Ill be stealing it from you. Love your buns!

BabyWid said...

SO true. We are starting the process of number 2 as soon as AF shows. I truly believe that I will appreciate my children more and see them in a different light then those you want to be pregnant and get pregnant right away. I truly know that my children our a miracle, a special gift from God.

Bobbi said...

I love that line too! :) And, girl, you should feel SO LUCKY your insurance is covering things for you right now. You have awesome insurance coverage. Lucky bum! I wish you all the luck in the world with this second FET. xoxo

Beth said...

so in love with this...I'm still crying!

Mush said...

Having read, seen friends/family and other people struggle with infertility I actually find that the fact that I conceived easily makes me appreciate my babies even more. I don't think this will make me a worse Mummy than one that struggles to conceive. I had a dream to have children which was fulfilled easily and I really do understand that I am very lucky and count my blessings every day, especially when I read daily of other peoples struggles and heartbreak.

I love being a Mummy and I feel for others that can't conceive or have a very long struggle. I wish everyone who wants babies could have them with ease. I do understand that some people have babies or get pregnant without wanting to and really don't appreciate what a huge gift they have, but I certainly do.

Christa said...

You're preaching to the choir, beautiful post.

I hope this puts a smile on your face, I gave you a blog award so come on over and check it out!

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I love this, every time I see it, it resonates so strongly with me.

I really hope that this FET works for you guys! Praying for you!

Fredlynn said...
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