Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hope-Less

I realized today that I have no hope for this cycle. I cant decide if its a good or bad thing.

On one hand, no hope=less hurt. Or so I think. Ive always been one to give my everything. I love completely, work harder than yesterday, dream big. Often, its a great quality. Then, a week ago, my world came crashing down. I'm still hurting from my head to my toes.

The bad thing about having no hope for this cycle is, having no hope for this cycle. The want and desire for it to work is there. I am just lacking the excitement. The happiness that comes along with the chance at being a Mom again.

Its been a long few days without Tom. He is off tomorrow & Thursday. We have no plans for our evenings other than dinner, cuddling on the couch and pretending that sex makes babies.

For now, I'm going to take a hot shower, inject myself in the belly and watch the Notebook with a glass of wine.

20 comments:

Mindy said...

Ughhh I've so been there before. It's really a hard place to be in, especially when people tell you to 'just have hope'. The cycle that I finally got my BFP, I really didn't have hope. What I did have is a 'whatever happens happens attitude'. I found that really what that attitude was, was peace. I really hope that you are able to find some peace, whatever the outcome may be.

Kahla said...

Have faith and do not give up. So many times I thought I just couldn't do it again, it hurt to much. But oh how doing it again paid off.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrew 11:1

It will happen, I have faith. Sometimes is just doesn't happen as quickly as we would like.

Misty said...

When we were going through fertility treatments we never got a positive only negatives. It was painfully hard. There were times when the pain of our fertility consumed me (us). During those times I would focus on this saying....

"When the WORLD says give up, HOPE whispers give it one more try."

Don't give up hope!!!!!

BabyWid said...

I know how you feel. I'm ready for #2 but I'm delaying calling my doctor in some small chance I can actually(HA) get pregnant like "normal" people! Hang in there, it's okay to be scared, worried and hopeless. Have faith that it will work, that at some point you will be a mommy to two!((hugs))

www.babywid.blogspot.com

Tiffany said...

It's OK, to feel like you do....I know this isn't what you want to here but "they," say thing always fall into place when you least expect it? I believe it.
I love your honesty and I think a glass of wine and the notebook is just what you need.
Enjoy the time with your hubby....and the practice! ;)

Erin said...

I have soooo been there with several cycles, including the IVF cycle that worked. Even though I didn't have hope I still had faith that God knew what he was doing. Hang in there and enjoy the wine while you can.

Jill said...

I've been there too...

Whenever I told myself that I had little hope, the hurt was more painful. I hope this isn't the case for you, but sometimes removing your emotions and your connection helps to let things take its course. I remember both times that we got pregnant I couldn't tell you a thing about the cycle aside from when I took the supplements. When we were active and when we ovulated, I don't even know. I just know that I was trying to chill out and not stress myself out and life took its course.

I wish you the best of luck and think about you guys often!

Crossing My Fingers said...

I hear ya although I'm not cycling right now. I told DH, how in the world could I be positive about another cycle when this one didn't work? Enjoy your time with hubby.

Ashley said...

I've been ready your blog for awhile now, you are an inspiration to so many women in the world. Although I've never been through what you are experiencing...the injections, meds, etc, I do know what it feels like to want to expand your family and to never get anywhere. We have a beautiful 2 year old boy who is the light of our lives. We have been trying to get pregnant with our second child for 18 months. My doctor keeps telling me it is because I'm overweight, so I diet and then I get depressed that nothing happens and I gain it all back again. Over Christmas we found out that a family member was pregnant with their second and that news hit me hard. I have never experienced a hurt so badly for something that is so exciting for others. I'm in a real slump right now and I can't even seem to focus on my task. I have started yet another diet, with the intentions to become healthy and lose the weight. I'm not thinking about the baby part, just me. I feel like I've stressed too much about becoming pregnant again that I've lost focus on what's important. It's a battle I fight everyday, but getting to see my little guy at the end of each workday makes everything so much better. I will continue to pray for your family, I hope all of your dreams (and mine) come true in 2011. Don't give up your hope!!

Natalie Ramello said...

Please dont feel hopeless. You are such a great mom and wife. I have faith that you will get pregnant again and that this will all be just a memory for you.
Best Wishes

Jackie said...

Here is a coping tool that I used repeatedly after each of my many miscarriages and it requires a determined and deliberate effort. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS NOT YOUR LOSSES! List them on paper! Then go read Philippians 4:8. Our natural inclination is to look at and dwell on our troubles and it is a road that simply takes you lower so choose a different direction for your thoughts and decide to stick with it. That is not to discount your troubles just decide which is more important to you, your losses or your blessings. Remember most battles are fought in the mind so that is where you must apply your greatest effort.
P.S. I printed 10 copies of Phil 4:8 and hung them everywhere in my house, like smack dab in the middle of the bathroom mirrors, the fridge door, the kitchen cabinets..... You Go Girl

Kriss said...

I know what it's like to lose hope but ya know what??? If you don't have hope you don't have anything. I can say this after trying for almost 13 years hoping (and still hoping) to get pregnant and 3 adoptions later... we are never promised anything and we have to make the best of today. Your little frozen embies deserve some hope and some faith. Even if they don't turn out to be your children in the physical form in your arms you will at some point look back and see that God had an amazing plan and amazing timing. Maybe for what ever reason it wasn't right timing. It doesn't make it any easier but we can't live our lives around the what if's or this isn't going to work, I've done it and it's not fun. (((hugs))) -kriss

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

SO sorry you are going through this! I'm still Hoping and Praying for you, and that this upcoming cycle will be successful. I can understand why you are feeling this way after what you have just went through. Try not to lose all Hope, and never give up on your Dream of being a mother again.

I Believe with all my Heart that you will be again!

Huge Hugs,
Hannah

Tiffany said...

Oh Erin, my heart is breaking for you. Please don't give up hope Hun. I will send some dust your way. HUGE hugs. I have been reading, but didn't comment because I didn't want you to wander to my blog, but I see now that ya did. Thanks for your support sweets. And guess what? We ARE going to be pregnant together again this time too. Keep the faith.

Lori B. said...

Erin, you are so sweet to add my little blog to your list of blogs you love. It seriously brought a smile to my face. I hope you are feeling better about this cycle because I have a good feeling it will work and you will be a few months ahead of me in our pregnancies :-)

beth ewing said...

hang in there girl. that's completely normal. you're gun-shy now and that's to be expected. i will say that the month that i didn't have any hope was the month i got pregnant. not sure that will happen for you but just hang in there and we'll all have hope for you.

Kelli said...

I've been meaning to write you a comment and tell you how sorry I am about the failed transfer. That just really bites. I hope so badly for you that this next one is the ticket!
We are expecting #2 by a complete, absolute miracle of God. After 2 and half years of infertility, doing IVF, having our daughter and no embryos left, we were planning on doing another entire cycle this coming spring. Low and behold, we became pregnant in October! This has proven to me that ANYTHING is possible. The chances of us ever getting pregnant on our own was so incredibly low, and yet, it happened.
You have every reason to believe that this transfer is going to work! Be positive! It can't hurt, it can only help! Our God is a big God and with Him all things are possible! God bless!

Stace said...

I feel like I haven't commented in forever, but I'm always thinking of you. I am hoping and praying that this time works out for you. And I'm so hopeful that having Tom with you for the transfer this time is exactly the good luck that you need.

Big belly hugs... :)

Jen said...

Thinking of you, Erin. Sending hope.

twondra said...

Thinking of you sweetie. (((HUGS)))