Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Plan

Christmas has come and gone and I must say, I'm so glad its over. It was tough putting on a happy face for family and friends, but I managed. It appears a lot has happened since I posted, so Ill try to catch up.

December 23-I worked all day and rushed home to straighten up for our little Christmas get-together. I had 8 of my girlfriends come by, have a few drinks, eat a ton of food, do a 90's toy grab bag, and gossip. I debated cancelling it for a few days, but wanted to see my friends that were in from out of town. I am glad I went through with it. Most of them knew the situation, but no one asked. So, I was able to paint on a smile and somewhat enjoy myself. Santa entertained us before his bedtime..

December 24-Tom had to work on Christmas Eve, so Trevor and I ran a few errands and waited for him to come home. We wanted to go to dinner and church, but I was feeling pretty crappy. We just stayed home that night and watched a movie and had our first fire. We set up Trevor's big Santa gift and enjoyed each others company.

Reading his Christmas books before bed

December 25-We slept until about 8am, when Trevor woke up. I grabbed his bottle and gave it to him in our bed. I could have snuggled him for hours, but we were anxious for his first real Christmas morning!

" The camera? This early, Mom?"

He LOVED his train table. So much, that we had to hide it in the other room for him to pay attention to the other gifts!

We didn't go overboard with gifts for any of us. Trevor just got so much for his birthdays and didn't need anything really. Other than the train table, he got a few books, puzzles, puppets, forks, his own Elmo remote, 1st Nerf football, and movies. I got Tom a Brita pitcher, clothes, brownie pan(because he loves the ends of brownies!) and yummy mix, an XBOX game, Trevor's 1st canvas artwork, etc. He got me a new Willow figure, 2 new charms for my Pandora bracelet Evan got me!, 2 purses, and a book(which still needs to be ordered..lol).

Trevor skipped his morning nap to play. Around 10, we went by my parents house for presents and brunch. The kids went wild. They are all so spoiled. Trevor got..a ride on 4-wheeler, a remote control police car, a musical book, a basketball hoop, the Polar Express book and movie, a Little People car ramp, a toy box and a water table that my brother will buy in Spring when its needed.

Tyler giving Trev a smooch

Sweater buddies

..The best of 30+ pictures..

We headed back to our house to let Trevor get a big nap in. When he got up, we ventured off to Toms dads girlfriends house. We had a nice dinner and Trevor put on quite the show for everyone. Were fortunate he is such a go-with-the-flow kinda baby. Even after having an overstimulating day, with one shorter than normal nap and being up 1hr past his bed time, he was happy as could be. We finally got in the car and he was asleep in 5 minutes.

Apparently, that's when I couldn't hold it in anymore. I just started sobbing in the car. Tom didn't say much, he just rubbed my leg. That was what I needed. I cant get over how terrible I feel after this negative. I mean, we had so many negatives before Trevor, but nothing like this. I feel like there is this dark cloud following me around. I go to bed thinking about what could have been. I wake up and think about it. Its consuming me.

I recovered by the time we got home and Tom and I talked a bit. When we went in for our FET consult, we didn't talk a plan B. I was feeling overwhelmed that I didn't know what our next step was. Part of me thinks I should wait a cycle or two to recover emotionally, but I know I would be more miserable sitting around doing nothing. We went over the options of IVF/FET again. We basically came to the conclusion that we should do a full IVF cycle to better our chances this time. I don't think I can handle back to back negatives. I figured Id talk to one of the nurses when I went in for my blood test on Monday.

December 26-I woke up and had all the Christmas decorations put away in the matter of an hour. I wanted the reminders to be packed up asap. I go into the bathroom and surprise! My period. Already, I think? I figured it would come in like a week..

December 27-Trevor and I went in for my blood test. I told the receptionist I wanted to talk to one of the nurses. They took my blood, found out I got my period and did a quick ultrasound. I sat and talked with 2 of the nurses for a while. Apparently, the success rate for IVF and FET are the same at their clinic. She suggested I go ahead and give the 2 we have frozen a try first. If we did a IVF cycle, we would have to do one more test and meet with the doctor. He is out of town until mid-January. I could do a FET cycle before Id even have the chance to start IVF meds. So, decision made. I'm on CD 3 of FET #2(PLEASE let this be the last one!).

So much for downtime, huh? What will we do different this cycle? Almost nothing. Everything went beautifully last time, other than me not getting pregnant. Personally, I'll be a lot more cautious this cycle and likely pretty negative. I cant build myself up again for another fall. We are not sharing the plans with our friends and family. Only Evan knows. And you guys. :) When it gets closer to transfer and I need someone to go with me and someone to watch Trevor, a few others may have to be told. Otherwise, I told people that we are taking a break until Spring to save money.

My nurse called yesterday afternoon and said my estrogen level was too high to start BCP. I got back in tomorrow for repeat b/w and ultrasound. Hopefully, the levels lowered and I will start them tomorrow.

Time is helping. I feel better today than I did yesterday. I plan on keeping myself very busy in the next six weeks. And I will continue to soak in my son, as it has been proven again, what a miracle he is.


Tera said...

I'm so so so sorry you are going through this. :( I hope FET#2 works and you'll still be welcoming a new baby before next Christmas!

Brittany said...

Hoping with you that this cycle is the ONE!

Misty said...

I am a new reader/follower....I am praying for you and your family.

I hope all goes well at your next appointment.

God has a plan to grow your family...simply trust.

Jessica said...

Many prayers that the next one is the last one. I know that feeling of being completely consumed by wanting it so bad...even though you know you're not enjoying Trevor any less, you feel guilty you'd be thinking this much about anything other than him. In a way, it hurts more than the first time, because before, you were just imagining how amazing it would be to be parents...now, you know exactly what a blessing it is. You know what it feels like to have a beautiful reason to get out bed each morning. You know that every single day has purpose, if not for yourself. You know that each day, there will be something new, something funny, something miraculous. Somehow, though your heart is more full than it's ever been, there is hole in it bigger than you ever thought possible.

I promise you, there will be another baby. He or she will take up space in your heart way bigger than that void will ever be. No one ever wishes a rocky journey on anyone, but no one will ever deny that it was worth every moment that leads up to the one when you see your baby's heartbeat on u/s for the first time, when you feel the first kick, when you hold him/her in your arms and pray that time will stand still so that you can hold that feeling in your heart forever.

I know that nothing I say could "make it better," but I have been in a position of being so consumed by sadness and longing. Six weeks feels like an eternity, but it's just 42 more mornings of waking up as Trevor's mommy. Hang in there - crossing everything for you!

Crossing My Fingers said...

I know how you feel, I wake up and the first thing I think about is that. I go to work and hear about everyone else's kids Christmas and today was the worst when I realized that I have to work on Mother's Day but planned to be out of town, because I'm the only non-mom/parent in the office so I know no one will switch me. Sigh...

How exciting that 1. you had so many toticles and 2. you're moving forward! I told DH that aside from our BFN, I'm bummed because now we're in a waiting period until we can afford to do anything else. Good luck girlie! I'm praying for you.

Dana said...

I am so sorry sweety! I know you are hurting so badly!! I pray that FET #2 works for y'all. And we did IVF and didn't get Noah til our last FET. He was our last embryo! I hope that gives you hope!! Sending you lots of hugs and gonna send up lots of prayers for you too!!

Karen said...

I'm so sorry. I'm praying that all will go well this time.

Hoping4aBabySki said...

I'm so sorry to hear that it didn't work out for you! If it makes you feel better, my best friend was successfull at her first round of IVF, negative pregnancy test at FET #1, and is now pregnant after FET #2 and doing great. Her story sounds very much like yours! She has a beautiful boy now. Those negatives are soooooo devastating, but it is amazing how quickly we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again. I'm currently pregnant with twins after 1 failed IVF, and the last one successful. None to freeze on either attempt. Those negatives always seem like the end of the world and we never forget, but we always move on and try again! Good luck to you for the next round. Will be sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way!!!

Once Upon A Time said...

I am so sorry sweetie. Your strength shines through not only your post but in the pictures you shared. I will be sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way.

Angela said...

So sorry for this heartache you must go through. I loved Tom's response in the car. Perfect. I'm glad you have such a wonderful man to walk through your sorrow with.

Praying that FET #2 is the ONE.

Amber said...

I know there are no words to make you feel better, and I can't begin to know what it will feel like the 2nd time around. Honestly, I'm scared to death to start "trying" again.

Hope the levels are down and you're able to start the BCP and this is the cycle you get your BFP!

Sue said...

Love the pics, thanks for sharing Trev's Christmas with us :)

Good luck with the next part of the plan....

Staci said...

Praying that this cycle is the one that works. Love on that sweet little Trevor while you wait! He is your living breathing proof that miracles do happen :)

Angela said...

Off subject question here...

Is Tom a police officer or a sheriff? Is there a difference? Is a sheriff like an army officer--the boss of the policemen?

I check your blog about once a day and I must say...I LOVE that picture of Trevor walking down the hallway in his Christmas jammies. cutest ever!

Lguyer said...

I'm a long time reader, but horrible about commenting. Have you thought about adding acupuncture to your regimen? I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant with twins after our first ivf cycle with accupuncture. Depending on your dr. they may not encourage it much (mine didn't) but there has been a lot of research towards it's benefits- just a thought! Good luck!