Friday, December 24, 2010

Moving On

I tested the past three days, at 6, 7 & 8dp5dt. All negative. One pink line, the other white as the snow outside. Today's negative hurt the most. I was praying Id get a Christmas surprise. Unfortunately, Ive been right all along and this cycle didn't work. If it were not Christmas Eve, I would be going in for my blood test today. Now, I have to wait until Monday to get the confirmation to stop all medications and move on.

Move on.

How am I going to do that? I am hurting so bad right now. I think about it every second. How could I have been so sure this would work? Why did I allow myself to buy Trevor a big brother shirt? Why did I ask my friend if we could postpone our bridesmaid dress shopping until January, so we could check out the maternity ones? How did I lead myself believe I would be pregnant for Christmas? Now, everything is going to hurt. I expected to travel to Georgia as "3" passengers. I expected to have a child so close in age with my sisters baby that they could be mistaken for twins. I expected to be large and pregnant all summer and give birth Labor Day weekend.

I feel like a fool for thinking it would be that easy. Having Evan come all the way here. Letting my heart get ahead of my head. Falling in love with two little embryos and failing them.

Im not sure what our next steps will be..take a break, another FET, a full IVF? Ive given some thought to it and cant even process the options just yet. I think we would have to decide quickly if we want to try something next month.

Well, Merry Christmas Eve to all. And thank you for your amazing support during this difficult time. Too many of you know exactly how I feel.

32 comments:

Joanna said...

Hi. I just begun reading/following this week. I read your story and I think you are amazing and very strong! God will bless you with another baby,sometimes we get impatient ( me included) hoping and wishing to be blessed with a little peanut as well! Merry Christmas!!

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, I do know and my heart just breaks for you. I wish I could give you the biggest hug.

Never beat yourself for hoping, hon. Hope is the one thing we all can have and are guaranteed. Dream big....and never let go of the dreams.

Love you sweetie. Thinking and praying for you so much today. (((HUGS)))

Stacey said...

Erin, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you can find some joy in Christmas this year with your family. You, Tom, and Trevor are in my prayers.

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I'm so sorry, Erin. I was really hoping that this would work for you guys. Don't be upset with yourself, you had nothing to do with this. If it was up to you, it would have worked. Don't lose hope- keep praying and keep trying. It will happen. I know you are hurting so badly right not, and I just hate that. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Much love, and I hope that you guys enjoy Christmas with Trevor!

Angela said...

So sorry, Erin! I'll keep praying for you. Don't feel bad for having hope. ...and keep hoping.

It's right and good for you to grieve the loss of your embryos, but I don't think you failed them. You did the best you could for them.

t.b.f.love. said...

I'm so sorry :( I just know you will become a mother all over again & Trevor *will* be a big brother; I absolutely feel certain of it. You are a wonderful mother & haven't failed anyone. You and your family will remain in my prayers - Merry Christmas to your lovely family.

Suzanne said...

Erin,
I'm so sorry. Don't give up hope. I had a failed IVF and a failed FET cycle before I got pregnant. The FET success rates are lower and my RE told me it is typically harder to get pregnant from an FET cycle.

I completely understand your wish to have a baby so close to your sister. My sister and I were both pregnant at the same time (19 days apart) but I lost mine because it was ectopic. I also dreamed about our children growing up together and being pregnant with our first child together.

Don't give up hope. Take some time and grieve but take joy in your family and your little boy. It will happen again.

Carol said...

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to deal with dashed hopes and plans. But, God will help you get through tjis and there is hope for the future.

The Rileys said...

Erin...so sorry to hear the news...keep your head up and enjoy Trevor's 2nd Christmas!

Sending lots of hugs and prayers to you guys!!!

Have a Merry Christmas!

BabyWid said...

((hugs)) my heart is sadden for you. It's not your fault to have high hopes, you long to be a mom of 2 and some time soon you will be. I have to keep telling myself that, that God has a plan and I pray everyday that I will be normal and actually get pregnant on my own. You will be in my prayers. You have Trevor to make this Christmas extra special!! Here's to hoping we both become mommy's in 2011!

Melinda said...

I was so hoping for a different kind of post. Hug your little miracle a little tighter today and know that His plan is always perfect, even if we don't understand it right away. Sending prayers your way on this very disappointing day.

Melinda

PS-do you think it just may be too soon to test?? Is there ANY hope left? I was told I would miscarry within a week when pregnant with Addie Grace but the Dr's were wrong. She just grew at a different rate than the "norm". Still hoping for you :-)

Mandy said...

My heart is sad for you today. I'm sure it is going to be very tough for you to move on from this. Thoughts are with you. I do hope you are able to enjoy Christmas with Trevor though!

Kahla said...

Oh Erin, I was so worried when you hadn't posted and had been praying so hard that there was some other reason. I have been in your exact shoes and know how painful it is. I just knew our 2nd IVF would work and was completely blindsided when it didn't. I wish I had the perfect advice on how to cope or make it hurt less. I will say that our third IVF (which was a chemical pregnancy) was right before Thanksgiving one year and I realized that no matter how bad I was hurting that I was going to do everything I could, be as happy as possible, and make it the most wonderful holiday I could die Jeff and Chase's sake... They deserved it. It also made me realize just how Much of a miracle Chase was Anna how blessed we were that it worked the first time. I truly am heartbroken for you and am sending a Ron of hugs and prayers your way from TX. Stupid infertility.

PS if you ever just needed someone to talk to I'm just an email away.

Amber said...

Aww, I'm so sorry Erin! Keep your chin up and you bought T a "Big Brother" shirt because it WILL happen! Hope you guys have a great Holiday. Hang in there! *HUGS*

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

Oh Erin! I'm heartbroken for you! I also really thought it was going to work this time for you too.

Don't feel badly about Grieving your babies, that is normal. And please don't blame yourself! This was in no way your fault at all!

I still have no doubt that you will get pregnant again, and that sweet Trevor will be wearing his BIG Brother Tee:)

Still keeping you all in my Prayers. So Sorry that you are having to go through this.

HUGE HUGS,
Hannah

Hillary said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you today! I know the sting that only one line can bring. I hope that you are still able to find some peace and joy today and tomorrow!

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry for your disappointment!! I know words cannot help when your heart is broken. I am praying for you, and I had someone say to me in my darkest hour "Disappointments are divine appointments..." I am so sorry....I send hugs to you from Tennessee!!

J said...

I am so sorry. I know you are hurting and nothing will heal your heart except time. Don't beat yourself up...you deserve to have hope because without it, you have nothing. Even after our failed adoption, I still get excited when a situation arises.

Big hugs!!

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry. The tears welled up in my eyes before I even read the post, the title was enough. I know that right now, the heartbreak is consuming and it feels like you're never going to get your second (or third) baby - but have faith. Enjoy A wonderful Christmas with Tom and Trevor, and know that there is an amazing miracle in store for you!

Kristen & Eli Wolfe said...

So sorry Erin....was hoping for a better post. Don't give up, you are strong and will someday be a mommy of 2. We just don't know when, only HE knows when that time will come. Stay positive as hard as that is and enjoy Christmas with the miracle in your life already. Here is hoping we both see 2 pink lines in 2011!!!

Crossing My Fingers said...

Sigh...it totally sucks. You know I know the feeling and I was really hoping for postive news for both of us this week. The world's seemed to stop and move in slow motion. My tears today are for both of us. Enjoy your Christmas with your boys.

Ashley said...

*Hugs* I know this must be so difficult and of course the holidays make it worse. :( I'm so sorry!

jenn said...

im so sorry erin....i would love to stand in line with all these ladies to give you a hug as well!

Emily said...

Praying for peace and comfort for you this Christmas! As Christmas is a miracle of a Baby's birth, I pray that God will send you another miracle baby!

The Pifer's said...

I am so unbelievably sorry, my heart aches for you right now. You are in my prayers sweetie and God has his arms wrapped so tightly around you right now!

Love ya!

Maddy said...

Praying for you, even though I dont know you.:)
Came across your blog when I first started blogging.
Merry Christmas!!

-Maddy

Dan and Gretchen said...

Oh Erin! My heart just breaks for you, as I know how easy it is to let ourselves "try" to be positive for a change. Hang in there, it will all work out for the good, and you'll see His plan for you in the end.

We will keep you in our prayers, and remember to say yours too. Sometimes we just want it NOW, and when it doesn't happen it's just so painful.

Lots of love to you as you pull through this!
Gretchen :)

Beth said...

I'm so sorry and am sending hugs! I hope you were able to enjoy part of the holiday but I definitely know that can be hard to do. i am confidant that it will happen for you soon!

Ashley said...

I know as hard as it is to do right now....keep your hopes up!!! You have always been so strong and positive about everything I don't want this to change that. I have been following your blog for a while now and never posted but I really wanted to today!!! Hang in there and I am sending a hug your way. Don't get down on yourself and everything you did was okay.

Cin said...

Erin,

You are a fantastic Mom and an inspiration to parents everywhere. Life sucks sometimes and know that even us lurkers are hoping that you get your next little nut.

Francesca Fine Jewelry said...

I am so sorry. I'm praying for you.
Jean

Sue said...

So so so so SO sorry Erin. Was thinking of you through the holidays and hoping for the best.