Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Way Down

I have been feeling very emotional lately. Perhaps its the going through Trevor's baby items, maybe its watching Toms face as he writes his Grandfathers eulogy. Or it could be the space in my heart that is ready to be filled. Whatever it is, it sucks.

When I was dealing with infertility, I always wondered what would be worse..infertility from the get-go, or secondary infertility. Now, I know the answer. It hurts more the second time around. When I was trying so hard to get pregnant, I was in love with the idea of a baby. The idea of feeling kicks, the idea of choosing names, the idea of becoming a Mother. Now that I have experienced all of those joys, I want it again. Now, I know how simply amazing the entire process is and I want it even more. I never imagined I would feel this way once Trevor placed in my arms. I figured he would distract me from the constant ache, but he makes it worse! Looking at him makes my heart swell with pride, yet, yearn for another.

Another thought I pondered while dealing with infertility..would I rather take forever to get pregnant or deal with miscarriages. Answer=take forever! My sisters due date of her first miscarriage is mid-August. And I'm sad. I wish we would be welcoming a sweet newborn around my Dads birthday. I wish my niece would be getting the baby sister she talks about every day. I wish I would be becoming an Auntie for the 5th time! Instead, there's a dark cloud over the family..each of us knowing what could have been. On top of it all, I didn't lose the baby. She did! My heart hurts for the pain she is in right now. And to think, she will have to deal with this again in December. I surely hope she is a happy, healthy pregnant woman by then. Oh, and me, too!

I actually shed a few tears yesterday. That's a big deal for me. I was sorting Trevor's baby items, trying to get his room organized, and I just stopped and cried. For everything that's going on. For not knowing when Ill be unpacking these items again. For life flying by faster than ever.

Heres to hoping Thursday is a better day. :)

13 comments:

Bobbi said...

Secondary infertility is so hard, huh??? People going through infertility just to conceive their first child may not understand it, but secondary infertility is just as real and just as hard. Hang in there, girl! I'm trying to hang in there myself. There are good days with the bad, but in the end, we just have to know God has a beautiful plan for our lives and the lives of our future children.

Kahla said...

(((HUGS)) As crazy as it is, I would love another. Unless one of our two totsicles work, that'll never happen. Makes me sad.

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I'm so sorry that your feeling down. Although I can relate to yearning for more children. (And I have a 8 week old little girl) Just last night I was talking to my husband about having another.. then the worry set in again!

Will it take a long time.. like last time?
Will the 3 blast we have left make it to FET?
What if it doesn't work?
What if we do IVF/ICSI again and then we still don't get pregnant?!
It's so expensive! (But worth it)

Anyway I get it. My dream has always been to marry the right man, have 3 or 4 kids and be a stay at home mom.(and infertility is a problem) I have a appt with our fertility Dr Aug.31st to discuss plans for baby #2 and a future FET. Why am I nervous all over again? Maybe its because I still feel out of control and I don't know what the out come will be.

Ok.. so sorry for rambling on. This has jus been heavily on my mind... and I feel as though many people going through it the 1st time won't be able to understand. I love my baby and am so happy to have her, I just want more children and she's growing every day! I'm sorry your having to go through this, but it does feel a little better to have someone who can understand:)

Forgive my writing u a book.lol jus needed to vent some pent up feelings!

Hugs,
Hannah

Caralyn said...

I so know where you are coming from. We had IVF for my first daughter in 2002, and we were so fortunate that it worked the first time. When we got ready for number 2, it was another roller coaster of infertility ups and downs. We had one failed IUI, one missed cycle due to doctor's mistakes, and one FINAL chance (my personal cut-off date as we were looking into adoption) at IVF. We were blessed with twins in 2007, and as hard as it was, I do believe it has made me a better mother.
Hoping and praying for the best for you and your family in the future. :)

twondra said...

(((HUGS))) Thinking of you!

Veronica said...

I can't say I understand your feelings- because I have never been in your shoes. But as a long time follower of your blog- I feel for you and my prayers are with you.

Staci said...

Praying that you start feeling better soon. I can understand feeling sad about packing away the baby clothes. When we found out our last one was a girl, I had to make myself let go of all the baby boy clothes I had saved from Max, our first child and only boy. I cried buckets as I looked at each little outfit and realized that I would not be using them again after all.

beth ewing said...

secondary IF sucks. i didn't have to deal with primary for very long so i can't really compare but i agree with what you said. i think when you're trying to get pregnant the first time, you long for a baby that you think will be amazing. the second time around, you know how amazing it is and that makes it hard. and yes miscarriage are hard too. even with my miracle baby in my arms, my due date for the miscarriage was still hard.

Tiffany said...

Thinking of you and hoping for better days. Packing away the baby things is SO hard. Each time I pack away a box, I always stop to wonder when I will be pulling it out again.

Sarah said...

praying for you girl.

承王蓁 said...

第一忠誠,第二勤奮,第三專心工作。..................................................

Courtney said...

I shed a few tears over the newborn clothing I had to put away. It's interesting how just as we are sad about one time in life, another phase begins. When I get sad about the clothes Macie has already outgrown, I look at the cute stuff that doesn't fit yet. It is difficult not knowing if/when a sibling will come, I agree.

Amber said...

Aww, I'm sorry. Everyone has days like this. You're a trooper and an excellent mom. I hope you have another blessing to add to your family soon!