Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Second Time

Tom and I had our much anticipated doctors appointment Monday afternoon. Driving there, I told Tom, "I would walk in and tell them lets get this started ASAP, but the only thing holding me from doing that is breastfeeding." Turns out, that's exactly the case..

The office was different. New paint and wall decor, you could tell they were going for the calm and relaxing look. There was a woman there with a 3-4 year old girl. There was one other woman with empty arms. I so badly wanted to tell her that Trevor was made because of that place. I wanted to tell her it would be okay. I wish someone would have told me that it was going to be okay.

We waited a few minutes and were called back. First, we talked a bit about Trevor and my pregnancy and delivery. We talked about next time and there weren't any surprises. Basically, I have to stop breastfeeding completely and get one period. During that period, I will have the typical day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound and physical workup. Both of us need updated blood tests, too. They would put me on birth control to regulate my second period and work the FET from there. He said we will use Lupron, estrogen patches and baby aspirin to get my body ready. There should only be about two monitoring sessions. The transfer can be arranged for a Friday so my doc can do it and Id have the weekend to relax. Ill use PIO afterward, just like the IVF cycle.

Our chances are 50/50, which is higher than most clinics. It is a bit less than with IVF, which they have a 55-60% success rate. We were SO fortunate to have our first IVF cycle work. I cant help but think..maybe we wont be as blessed the second time around. I know I cant think that way, and I vow to think positively!

We actually signed consent papers since we were there. Now, I need to stop breastfeeding, wait 8-10 weeks for a period and then call my nurse.

Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I am torn completely. One part of me wants to breastfeed Trevor until he is a year, as planned. The other part of me really wants to get the ball rolling with baby #2. The ball is in my court and I have no clue what to do. Tom is supportive, but says its my choice. He is happy with whatever I am comfortable with.

I'm going to take some time to let everything sink in. The absolute soonest Id start weaning would be June, I know that much. How soon after that I will stop, I cant say.

In a perfect world, Id be able to announce our pregnancy at Trevor's 1st birthday party. I have this picture in my head of him doing an outfit change mid-party and toddling out in a shirt that says Big Brother. Ive always wanted to do that.

Although, Trevor already is a big brother to our four frozen babies. He is a big brother as much as I am a mother to them. I can not wait to give them a chance at life. To be pregnant, again. To give birth, again. To have them as part of our family. To be one step closer to being complete.

31 comments:

hopefuls #1 said...

I love how proactive you are! When you wean, would you still bottle feed him breast milk or just switch to formula? I've never done that nor do I remember what people do, so I wanted to ask.

I think either way, it's going to be great! I imagine it will be hard but how fun for you guys and for Trevor! What a joy!

The Patterson's said...

Good luck with your decision! I'm sure it will be tough especially since you have already given yourself a timeline on breastfeeding.

Mrs. Hesson said...

Praying that your decision will come easier and that will you will "just know" when it's the right time. I know that is a hard decision, just follow you heart :)

Fullers1006 said...

I'm kind of a lurker but I just wanted to speak from my experiance. We were surprised with another pregnacy when my son was only 11 months old. I am now almost 5.5 months prego and Im dragging. I only breastfed my son till he was 4 months b/c he wouldn't latch so I pumped constantly and got mastits twice so I had to quit. I just think it is so special this bond that you have with your son and actually being able to nurse and I wish so badly I could have and I will try my hardest with this second one. Formula is very expensive and they eat more and more as the days go on so its a great money saver plus just great for them in general. I dont know what if you get your preiod while you are breastfeeding? Would they continue then? I got my period while I was breastfeading/ pumping and I was pumping like 35 ounces a day. So I dont know is that an option.

Also I just wanted to tell you that now that I am prego I have so much guilt that my little boy will no longer be the baby. I know I wanted another one but I'm sad that in four short months I'm going to be a tired dragging mommy and he is not going to get all of my attention. I just don't feel ready to give up my one and only first born as a big brother. I know it will be ok but I have such mixed emotions. I just wanted to add that and to say don't rush. I announced on his first birthday we were prego and I'm SCARED to death to go through the newborn phase again. I dont know. Well good luck enjoy every single precious moment you with your sweet boy as an only child. Spoil him because things will never be the same with him once another one comes along I'm slowly learning that and I just hug my little guy a little closer because of it. You are so young and your family has more time than you can imagine enjoy the time with them! :-)

Jodi said...

Nice post. I'm wishing you luck with your decision. I also love the big brother shirt idea on his 1st birthday party! How cute!
Either way, things will work out and be great!

Kalle said...

A tough decision for sure. I'm sure you will make the right decision for you. Emmett is 8 months and still nursing 3-4 times a day and I love it but I would also love to start trying for to make him a big brother. It's a toughie.

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

Definitely a tough decision. I'm like you and truly love to breast feed- it would be very difficult to stop. I understand wanting to move forward, but those little frozen embies will be there waiting regardless of if you decide to wait a few months. I hope you can make a decision you are comfortable and happy with!

Stephanie said...

I'm s glad you have a plan now and everything went good at the doc!
I would breastfeed as long as you planned originally. I know you are so excited, but you want to be ready. I would hate for you to feel regret after stopping.
Those embabies will be waiting for you even if its just for a few more months than you planned.
While I love the idea of the shirt on his first birthday, I think that day should be all about Trev!! I hope that didnt come out rude, thats not what I meant at all.
I know you will make the right decision for your family though!
Just giving my opinion!
You know I love ya :)

Tiffany said...

The Big Brother idea is VERY cute. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Kriss said...

I hope you don't mind me chiming in since I have never been pregnant but I am a mommy. :) I know that you want to give Trevor a sibling. I also know that with your prior TTC history this is something that needs to be planned asap. My thoughts though, only on a nutritional standpoint are this.. In dealing with fertility specialist sometimes their main concern becomes not you as the person carrying the baby but making the baby. That said sometimes they don't tell their patients, "Hey lose a signaficant amount of weight and this will be easier on your body/heart" or "Give your body time to heal and get back it's nutrients it lost during childbirth and nursing." So my thoughts are continue to nurse Trevor and treasure that bond, when your ready to wean and do wean it might take a little bit for your cycle to come back. Use this time to get as healthy as possible. Eat wheat germ, avacados, fruits, veggies, calcium, etc. When your pregnant it robs from your bones, teeth, etc. If your cycles come back quickly maybe instead of that second cycle wait until cycle five or six. Time for your body to rejuvinate itself. Again, I hope you don't mind me chiming in.

twondra said...

I can't imagine how you're feeling. I would be so torn, too. You're such a good mother, Erin! I can't wait for you to start your FET!!

Nicole said...

Ugh, I can imagine how torn you are. I'm already wondering about this majorly difficult decision after this little one is born in August. I want my kids like 18-21 months apart. Well that means conceiving like 9 months or so after birth! But I'm not going to jip my son out of breastmilk if I can help it. So I like your idea of pumping as much as you can to bottle breast milk him as long as possible (but I've heard the breastmilk is only good in the freezer for one month?)! Then all the issues of what if itdoesn't work the first try, what about the month or two of prep work before conception in a cycle? U-G-H. I am so excited to hear what you do. I'm so sorry about this insanely difficult decision. I'm so glad you have an awesomely supportive husband about it :)
QUESTION: Once you do stop BFing, will they let you use provera to jumpstart your period (since it can take a while to kick in naturally)???

Me and Madeline said...

That's definitely a tough decision, and I've had that same thought about doing a baby #2 announcement during our little ones bday party!

I truly hope you know that what I'm about to say comes from a truly good place and I'm not trying to butt into your life - especially since you didn't ask for advice, but I feel compelled to advocate for lengthening your breastfeeding relationship with Trevor. It's not just the bonding - which is awesome! But from a totally nutritional standpoint, formula doesn't even come CLOSE to matching what breastmilk can do for little ones.

Take a second and visit this website, and watch the trailer for the documentary, maybe it will help you in your decision!

http://www.formualfedamerica.com

Good luck with your decision! No matter what you choice, you are a great mom!

Mara said...

I'm sort of a lurker too, but I would advise to take your time with Trevor and enjoy him! Since you have your "frozen babies" why rush to get pregnant again. I would breastfeed as long as you can/want to and then think about getting pregnant again. Even if you can't announce your pregnancy at his birthday you'll find a special way to do it.

Peppermint Patty said...

I have to agree with "Kriss."

One thing Erin that you have that a lot of women don't is your age. You are still young (which works to your benefit) and already have your embryos waiting.

I would let Trevor have his time with you and Tom. Enjoy him and the breast feeding, give your body time to bounce back and then after the phenominal first birthday party for Trevor (that I know you will plan beautifully), start working on Baby #2. :)

IMHO! <3

Stace said...

I love that you got the ball rolling! I'm totally with you on that one... we're going back in April to get started again and I can't wait. We have to do a fresh IVF so the prospect of the needles and monitoring and retrieval isn't the most exciting, but I know what the end result can be so I'm excited! Good luck with whatever you decide to do with Trev- I know you'll make the best decision for you, Trevor, Tom and your frozen babes. :)

Joy said...

I can only give my opinion and perhaps you aren't even asking for opinions- but I'd give Trevor as much breastmilk as possible before going for #2.

But I also understand how long it took for you to conceive him and how eager you must be to "get the show on the road" in the event it takes a long time to conceive a second time around.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best!

Carol said...

Here's another opinion even thought you probably don't want to hear it. From an older person with four kids who are grown now. You seem to be an amazing person with an incredible ability to take care of children. Although you did have difficulty conceiving, you've done great with breastfeeding. And, it doesn't come easily to everyone--trust me, I know from experience.

Also, you are young and did well with your first IVF, so I think your odds of success in the future are good. If I were you, I would relax and enjoy Trevor's infancy for a little while and continue to breastfeed. Only two of my children were born closer than 3 years apart. I always felt a bit like I was cheating the other children when I had another because of the time it takes to care for a newborn. So, I'd say give Trevor a little more time to be your one and only baby so that you truly will be ready to divide your time with him with another child. Having an 18 month old and a newborn and nannying for other children could be really challenging! Announcing your second pregnancy will be a special event even if it doesn't coincide with Trevor's first birthday.

Nonnie said...

I have been in your position. I desperately wanted another baby after I had my oldest. I loved her so, so much, and I wanted to assure that she had at least one sibling (though I really hoped for more). I didn't want to waste any time! However, when I found out what it would take for us to give it another go, I had to put my daughter first...not what my heart desired necessarily...and continue to feed her the very best way as long as I could. It's really, really hard not to be selfish. Of course, I could have looked at it like I was doing it for her because I was giving her a sibling that would be SO close to her age, but I just couldn't deny that she deserved to have my milk for at least a year, and looking back, I think she deserved to enjoy her babyhood with my undivided attention. We went on to have twin girls and they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE their big sister. She got the best for her (great nutrition for 15 months and two sisters when she was 2) and I got what I wanted eventually and had no regrets.

I hope I didn't offend you. Whatever you decide in the end will work out just fine. As always with blogging, any time we put these things out there we have to be open to people giving their two cents :).

Saffy said...

It's an exciting time at your place, indeed! ;) Whatever you do will be right for your family. As for breastfeeding - I get the feeling of being torn. In my case it was for other medical reasons, but I shed many a tear. In saying that our daughter is thriving on formula (and solids) now - I fed her until 6 months. I know that nutritionally breast milk IS best... but I wanted to chip in that the sky won't fall in if formula's the choice you make :)

Laura said...

I've been reading for a while, but now delurking :) As much as I know you want to start working on that other one, please wait! Trevor is still so little. I have two little boys 18 months apart (they are now 2 and 14 months old) and the last two years have been the hardest of my life! My first pregnancy was great. The second, not so much. I couldn't enjoy JD's first birthday party because I was too busy trying not to vomit from morning sickness. I regret not being able to spend much time with him during that big day, and a lot of time later. I also had to wean him because nursing him while pregnant with MC hurt too much. MC was also a complicated pregnancy so I was suppose to slow down, but I had a very small, active toddler to watch after (who didn't start walking till almost 15 months old) and go in for bi-weekly dr. appointments, often 3 hours each time. I had to basically hand over raising him for about 2 1/2 months. After MC was born, he was not an easy baby by any stretch of the imaginations. He had reflux, colic, sleeping issues, etc. He would stay awake until 3 or 4 in the morning (screaming), then we would have to get up with JD at 7 and start the day all over again. MC also just NOW started sleeping through the night at 14 months. As much as I love my boys, I feel like JD got jipped because he was not the baby for long and I had to devote so much time to MC. I feel like I didn't not give my body a chance to heal and replenish after being pregnant, then nursing, then becoming pregnant again, all within a year. I'm not trying to be rude or upset you, I just have been there with 2 kids under two years. I can never go back and have the time that I missed with JD when he was little and I regret that so much. I don't want you to feel any regret because trust me, it will eat you up.

Meant to be a mom said...

I agree with always keeping postitive. I truly believe it helps the outcome to be a good one.
Good luck making your decision. Either way, I'm excited for you. I absolutely cannot wait to try for number two so I completely understand why you don't want to wait.
I'm praying for you sweetie!

The Mom said...

Hi Erin,

I've been reading your site for a long time and decided it was time to introduce myself. I know exactly where you are coming from..I went through almost the exact same thing as you. I had infertility and was blessed with my daughter after IVF. Then we had frozen babies and I couldn't wait to use them..and I wanted a sibling and couldn't wait to get started...but it happened naturally for us after about 10 months..and yes, I got to announce at her 1st bday. I knew we were blessed with one..but I constantly thought about number 2, maybe because I spent so much time thinking about getting preggers the 1st time. I do look back, however, and cherish my time alone with my 1st daughter! I would love to be added to your list (and add you to mine if that's okay). My blog is www.mylifewith2tugirls.blogspot.com. (it is a new one I just started... I also have a family one which goes into the details of infertility, etc that I could send you.) I love how honest your blog is and how your readers are such great support for each other!!

grace said...

I wanted to comment the other day when you wrote this, but didn't really know what to say. I faced the same thing with my cycles. I got so lucky to succeed with my first IVF, but ended up with 9 frozen embies. I was old, lol! 30. And didn't know how well any of my FET's would work. I didn't want to be 50 and still pregnant. Plus, I wanted my children close in age.
So, I decided to breastfeed until my daughter was 1. I started weaning her after her birthday, finished when she was 15 months and cycled soon after that. I am so glad I did, I feel that the connection we had was really something I needed after going through infertility for so long. Kind of like enjoying the fruits of my labor. Before going back to the grind, ha ha.
If you do decide to wean him soon, maybe you could pump a freezer stash to last him a few more months. That would help him continue to get the breastmilk, and hopefully make you feel more at ease with that decision?
Whatever you decide, it will work out for you guys as a family!

E. Williamson said...

Yes, definitely worth thinking about, but I am certain that you will make the best decision. I'll be praying for you. I know that it will all be the "right" outcome no matter what. I would love to get the ball rolling on adoption as well, but we are waiting to see what these next few months bring us, a move, etc. Who knows. But I, as you, would LOVE LOVE LOVE to welcome another baby! I can't wait to see your journey of Baby #2!

Jackie said...
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Jackie said...

Wow what a hard choice but I guess I would agree with those who say breast feed as long as possible. It is best for him by far from a health standpoint and the bonding and emotional security it gives him is a good foundation to build the rest of his life on. Those frozen embies will wait until Trevor is a toddler. My kids weaned themselves at around 14 months but we had a wonderful time together until then and they were better for it I’m sure. It really pulls at your heart strings when that chapter in your relationship with your baby is over, and there will be moments with each baby that you will badly want it back. Pray about it, Let God direct you, that’s my best advice.

Isaac Dakota said...

Wow, those are some pretty weighty decisions. I don't envy you and Tom having to make them. No one has walked in your shoes so even though people can offer great advice you have to make the decision based on what you both feel is the right choice.

We didn't have difficulty conceiving my son. I breastfed him until he self weaned at 17 months. We planned to wait until he was 18 months to try for #2 just because in all the research we read it stated that it takes that long for the body to fully recovery from a pregnancy, labor, and the newborn stages. We also wanted some time with just our son before bringing someone else into the family. My period came back on its own when he was 9 months. We started trying for baby number 2 when he was 18 months. We have now been trying for 19 months and have yet to get pregnant. But I wouldn't change it for anything. Although I feel sad and upset at times that we don't have another baby that we so badly want, I also try to be thankful for how much uninterrupted time we have with our son. I remember when he was an infant and I would sit and rock him and think "I'll never have this kind of time with any other kids we have, I'm so lucky to have it with you." Treasure the time you have with Trevor.

Suzy said...
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Shannon (Coupon Mommy Of 2 ... Now 3) said...

Good luck with your decision.

http://couponmommyof2.blogspot.com/

Mike and Katie said...

Have you considered building up your supply now so you can store milk to give to him for the rest of the year?

It's pretty easy to build up your supply when you're already breastfeeding. I've been able to produce enough extra for my eight month old adopted daughter and extra to donate to a little boy with severe allergies.

I totally understand your dilema. We are anxious to find out whether or not I will be able to get pregnant again but really think it would be best to wait a couple of years. Not that we plan to do anything to avoid it other than breastfeeding.