Monday, March 15, 2010

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. Here I am, trying to figure out how to get pregnant a second time, while there are so many women who are aching for their first. This time, one year ago, I was dealing with the agony of not knowing if my pregnancy was viable. I had the positive tests, but the beta blood tests were not doubling as they should. We sat in limbo for weeks until March 20, when we finally saw Trevor's beating heart. Those weeks were the worst I have ever dealt with. I will never forget that pain. I know how many women are feeling that pain of not knowing when.
I have continued this blog as a journal for myself, but also for others dealing with infertility. I hope looking back at our struggles and seeing our joy now gives you strength to keep weathering the storm.

I said it before and Ill say it again, Sometimes you have to drop the umbrellas and dance in the rain. Your day is coming..

Here's a snippet of a Clay Walker song I love:

"An' how can two people who built a lovin' home,
Try for years an' never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holdin' tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have."

If someone told me I would soon be staring at this:

..I wouldn't have believed them.

But, I tell you today, believe!


Mandy @ The Party of 3 said...

Awww!! He is so cute!

Saffy said...

Trevor is the poster child for why the heartache and effort is oh so worth it :)

Carol said...

Oh, my goodness, is he cute or what? Just gets cuter every day! And his socks match his outfit!

jenn said...

i just love this post! and i LOVE "sometimes you have to drop the umbrellas and dance in the rain!"

Elise said...

I think it is a sign that i read your blog today. I am currently pregnant (only 5w5d) and my third beta didn't double like it should today. I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow. I already had one m/c in jan. so i'm very nervous about this one. Anyway, thank you for that post, it gave me some hope for tomorrow.

Stace said...

I put up the same song around the time we were doing our IVF last year. Trevor is too cute-- and hopefully everyone gets their miracle soon. (You included, too, for number 2!)

Kaz and Amy said...

This just made me cry...So encouraging. I love that saying..I love it! Drop the umbrellas. Thank you so much for sharing this..I needed it! Praying for you!

Mrs.Joe said...

I needed this today. Thank you.

Peppermint Patty said...


Don't feel guilty because you have Trevor and other women are fighting to have their first.

Even though we all have a common thread of "infertility," we still have our own lives and ways of doing things and outcomes. You can't help it. That's just life (which can really suck at times).

I was like you, I was/am so grateful to have my son because I know how bad it felt to not have any.

Tabitha said...

Thank you!

Melissa said...

Awwww....look at those chubber wubber little legs! Cute, cute cute.

hopefuls #1 said...

What a great post following my post today... I have to believe.

It will work.

I just have to give it time and stay positive! Even when it's hard, I have to stay positive.

That's not as easy as it sounds but I'm trying...

twondra said...

Thanks so much Erin! You're such a sweetheart. Trevor is soooo cute!!

Katie Tanner said...

Yes, it is so hard for women like me. I am suffering from PCOS and it literally stinks.. I'm so glad that you have been able to experience childbirth and motherhood. I just hope that one day I can experience the same.. :)

Kami said...

You are so sweet. What a great post.


Sarah Herrick said...

I have just stumbled across your blog, and have spent the better part of 5 hours absorbing everything you have been through. I am not a mother, nor pregnant. But we do want kids one day and your story had really inspired me to take stock of my life and make some decisions.
Congratulations on the birth of your son, and for getting through a harrowing 2 years.
All the way from New Zealand, much happiness.

erin said...

what a gorgeous little man you have there! congrats on taking the next step towards #2. hope everything goes wonderfully for the THREE of you!