Monday, February 8, 2010

Body After Baby

Ive been having a really hard time coming to terms with being 23 years old and never being able to wear a bikini again. Really.Hard.Time.

Lets rewind, shall we? I have always been a thin girl, without ever trying. I was about 115-120 lbs through high school and never paid attention to a scale. I was still thin when I met Tom and didn't gain weight until the wonderful fertility treatments came along. 2 years of pain and sorrow mixed with hormone filled drug cocktails can do a number on you. I gained weight throughout the process and weighed 132 on the day of my egg retrieval.

Thank God our first IVF worked! That was the number I used for my "pre-pregnancy weight." I only gained twenty pounds while pregnant and Trevor ended up being over half of it. It was no surprise that I lost it all within a week and continued to decline to my current weight of 122.

Three months post baby. 122. I should be happy, right? WRONG.

You see, I used to look like this..

Goodbye, perky boobs

Goodbye, flat, flawless tummy

My body doesn't look anything like that now. My tummy has stretch marks. I made it all the way to the end and developed them the last week or two. They are around my belly button and I wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini. My butt got a few little stretchies on it. They're tiny, but I despise them. My boobs. Eeek, they are just huge. I used to be a C, became a D while pregnant, and now am a DD/E. Many women would jump for joy at this, but I am not a fan. I feel like my head looks smaller..

All I keep thinking is, this isn't my body! My clothes are falling off me, yet I feel fat. Nothing fits right. I try on clothes everywhere I go and end up buying nothing.

How do you feel sexy when you cringe at your own naked body? How can Tom be attracted to me now, when I used to look so different? Where do you get new confidence?

Of course, I ask myself..was it worth it? YES, times a million. Id do it again and again. Deep down, I know these are battle wounds that lead me to this.
I guess I need to tell myself this IS my body and learn to accept it. And find some clothes that fit. What Not To Wear, help a new Mama out!!

43 comments:

Sara said...

I have never been skinny. So it was never hard for me to deal with my post pregnancy body. That and my husband thinks I am sexy so that is all that matters.

:0)

siiilllygirl said...

I think I know how you feel. I was 122lbs before I got pregnant and now at 27 weeks 6 days, I am already + 20(some) lbs. I eat extremely healthy, I exercise... but my weight is just... You get the point. Speaking of boobs, I went from A to C! Hello!!!! My hubby loves it, but I detest the stretch marks on my breasts.

I am only 27 (I know it is more then you), but trust me I loved my body before baby. I loved wearing size 2 skirts and feeling cute.... Now, .... well... I am going to have a healthy baby, G-d willing and hope my husband will still find me attractive afterwords (hahah).

We want 3 kids.. this is our first one... I am scared to even imagine what I will look like when we are done.

Btw, GOOD JOB on loosing all that weight!! You rock, little MAMA

與毛 said...

When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.............................................

kim_brough said...

No kids or fertility treatments here, but I'd (literally) kill a man to be 122. Ha. I realized several years ago that women who weigh (literally) 100+ pounds more than me wear bikinis so why not? It might take some time but once you focus on the fact that you were made in God's image and that your husband still loves, you won't beat yourself up about it. I hope. :-)

Kaycee said...

Oh I so hear you on the boob thing. I was a DD already BEFORE pregnancy. I was a G/H while nursing. They never totally went away. I am a high E (probably should buy F's) now and I hate it. Like I wasn't big enough before??

I can't relate on the weight thing very well though, but I do know what you mean. I have a friend who is a lot like you and has expressed frustration that just because she's back to her small self does not mean her body is the same and she gets tired of hearing how "lucky" she is. Pregnancy sure does change our bodies, but you are right it sure is worth it. You're gorgeous though, and I am sure your husband thinks so too - especially after carrying his child.

Jodi said...

First, I'd kill to be 122! :) But, I understand what you're feeling. It is just part of the package, you can get your weight lower than you pre-preg weight and you will still have a different body. Give it time, do some exercises, toning, it will get better. But, like you said, you have a miracle in your arms and it's so worth it.

Beth said...

I SOOOO now what you're going through. I used to be a size 0, and then after my second pregnancy (also from IVF/FET) my once thin body changed, and changed drastically. I've lost all the weight, but am no longer a 0. In fact my son was SOOO big at birth, and the fact that I gained well over 20 lbs of just water weight, my skin now just sags. Many a doctor have told me my only remedy is plastic surgery/mommy make-over.

With that said, I wouldn't change one second of my life with my son to have my old body back, and I know you feel the same about you and Trevor.

My temporary remedy was to get rid of ALL the clothes that I know I'll never fit in again, and just move forward. But, it does still get me down from time to time. It does gets better, I promise.

Ace said...

I'm sure you still look great!

Mama Laughlin said...

everyone goes through this.
it's part of being a woman, and a mom.
i know, it sucks.
the thing with me was, I was overweight BEFORE I got pregnant and REALLY overweight after I had my son.
Since then I've lost 31 lbs and still have some weight to lose, but I feel better than I did pre-baby.
Even if I have stretch marks, I still feel great.
Another thing I came to find out was that you will never truly feel "like yourself" again until you stop breastfeeding.
For me, at least. I just felt huge and not like myself while I was breastfeeding. I always had to wear pads, and my body just was awkward.
As soon as I stopped breastfeeding (my milk supply was EXTREMELY low, probably due to my breast augmentation I had had) I started to feel more like myself. By no means should you stop just for that reason, of course.. but it's just what I experienced.
Also after I had my first period I felt back to "normal".
I guess it's a trade off.
No worries though, you'll get back to normal soon enough!
And there are some really cute tankinis and one pieces out there... you don't have to wear a 2 piece to feel sexy!

Lauren said...

I know exactly how you feel! Before getting pregnant, I wasn't super skinny but I felt like I looked pretty good.
I gained 35 pounds with my first pregnancy, got back in shape, then got pregnant again. I gained right around 30 with this last one, but getting back in shape has been a lot more difficult.
I managed to get only a small stretch mark on my tummy, but my hips and thighs look just miserable. And the boobs? Well, they were never big to begin with, but now they have shrunken to less than an A. No lie. I hate it! Huge hips + little boobs = nothing I buy looks right!
::sigh::
But, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. Adjusting to the new me is just something I'm going to have to learn to live with.

grace chute said...

Yea, don't you love infertility?
I will tell you my story, I was similar to you, weight, stretch marks, etc. After I stopped nursing my 1 year old, I lost weight and my skin went back to almost tight, ha ha! I actually ended up about 4 pounds less than my pre-IVF weight. Only took me 3 years to get there, ha!

Kelly said...

Erin, try having three. I was 110 before I got pregnant with Chase and will NEVER be that again.
You are right, you get a miracle out of it, so it is worth it, but come on, looking in the mirror hurts.
I feel for you.

Becky said...

A good little mantra: "This body gave me my baby. I love him and I love my body."

I've never been thin, but I know what you mean about postpartum body issues. It's hard to get comfortable in your skin again.

Jess said...

I was 19 when I had my first son and was able to bounce back rather quickly...then within the next couple of years I gave birth to two more sons. I am now 24 and I am having a tough time feeling like I too will never look or feel the same, like a 24 year old 'should'. I'm working hard at trying to get in shape, but my days are devoted to my boys. It is tough, but in time I will get there and you will too! If you need any support or a work-out buddy, I'm here! LoL

Jax's Mama said...

I feel like I could have written this post! I was always pretty thin in high school, but have been struggling with my weight for the last 3-4 years. I'm tall so I carry my weight well and I only gained 18 pounds with my little boy and now (4 weeks later) am 3 pounds lighter than what I was before I got pregnant...but I just feel GROSS! I'm not nursing so my boobs have completely shrunk and are now saggy and a size smaller than what they were! Stretch marks are not my friend and I'm hoping they'll fade. Of course Jackson is worth it completely but it's just hard to get back in shape...Good luck to you, I think you look great!

Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I totally understand, and I am sorry you're having a hard time dealing with it all. I don't blame you in the least, the transformation is something you can't really get used to. I was 115 when I got married, 128 (thanks, PCOS) when I got pregnant, went up to 160 in pregnancy, now I am down to 135. I didn't get stretch marks on my stomach, but did on my hips and they're really high up to the point where I could not wear a bikini again, either.

Then, my poor boobs. I was an A cup, which I always hated, went to a B in pregnancy, briefly in the hospital, I was a D. Then, they went right back down to a B even though I'm nursing, but I am left with awful stretch marks from those few days of big boobs- couldn't I have kept them for a little longer since I have to pay the price for them for, oh, ever?

It is totally worth it when I look at little Knox, and I would do it a hundred times over. Still, it's hard to be 24 and be resigned to a one-piece until the end of time! I'm here if you need someone to vent to!

Melissa said...

Ha, Ha...I think all us Moms know what you mean. I don't have stretch marks but my ab muscles totally seperated when I was pregnant. I can stick my hand between my ab muscles now and my belly button sinks in between them. Sounds wonderful huh?

Just wait till you stop breastfeeding...holy shrinkage of the boobs. I have never been big but now I feel like 13 years olds have more than I do.

Dan and Gretchen said...

Erin,
This post cracks me up, because I was just talking to a girlfriend of mine yesterday about the same thing. I too am about 10lbs. less than I was when I got pregnant (thanks to all of the IVF hormones that bring on all of the weight). I don't have a single stretch mark after carrying twins, but my goodness...this flabby belly of mine is atrocious...EEEW!!! My boobs are saggy, my thighs...um yeah much of the same and training for a half marathon doesn't seem to be changing any of this. While I never wore a bikini, I'm wondering if I'll ever wear another bathing suit w/o a skirt on it. BUT, BUT, BUT...you've got it right, these babes are sooooo worth all of the changes, it's just a matter of learning how to embrace the changes!

Good Luck, finding a way to love that new bod, I'm working on it too :) About the time I'm happy with it, we'll be pregnant again :)

hopefuls #1 said...

I always used to laugh at the lady I babysit for for saying that she needed plastic surgery because her body just took a beating after 2 pregnancies... I also laugh at my co-worker that says that she won't get pregnant again unless her husband confirms that it's okay to get a tummy tuck after this next pregnancy...

It's got to get better.

I'm sorry you are down.

Tera said...

I can relate totally! I too had to gain wt to even get pregnant. I'm naturally 110-114 without trying. After my 1st daughter, I was back in my regular jeans the same week, yet things had changed! The perky boobs were gone and the once flat belly was more like jello. It may just take a little more time. I found that by 6 mo. postpartum, I felt really good about myself and was back at 110-112. It's even harder after #2...mostly the gut, but it will get better!

Katie said...

Oh can I relate! I delivered 3 weeks ago and have lost all but 5 of my baby lbs. But, NONE of my "old" pants even come close to fitting. I've been shopping several times and nothing seems to fit right. I guess this is my new normal. (sigh!) But, like you, I wouldn't trade it for the world!

The Patterson's said...

Jason and I were just talking about this today! Granted, I'm only 6 days post delivery and have lost 23 pounds already, but I know I still have a long way to go!

I'm sure Tom thinks you look fabulous! And, Trevor sure is a cutie!! He's getting so big already. :-)

Meant to be a mom said...

You are preaching to the choir honey.
Boy do I relate to what you said.
I feel the same way. I used to go to the store all the time and buy new clothes. Cheep fun shirts for $15.00 a pop. Now I go and come home empty handed. DOES NOBODY MAKE A CUTE SHIRT THAT ISN'T SUPER TIGHT!!!!! Come on! Even the shirts that are "looser" are somehow managing to tighten in right around my mid section where I can't seem to loose weight. I feel like I look 4-5 months prego all the time. Its just a roll of dough right in the middle. I am determined to work out and get in better shape before the summer. Its sad that I probably won't be able to wear a bikini either. But I sure as heck will try.
Thank goodness for tankini's though. I see young Mama's in them all the time.

You look great by the way. In all the pictures I have seen. Its only been 3 months right? No worries. You'll be back to your beautiful self either before you get pg with number two or quickly after.
But I promise I understand exactly what you mean.

Momma and Her Doodle said...

Erin,

Take a look at Trevor and now in the mirror. Your are beautiful! Every Mom has a battle wound and I am very proud of my stretch marks.
That marks the battle of my son Nicholas, it was I who carried him and will love him always.

Instead of comparing your body to how it was think of how much you have now. Enjoy your body now in it's new form... Do not be sad or upset by it. Embrass it! Trevor's watching!

Stacy

Tamara said...

Great for you for losing all the weight so fast! I feel the same way you do about my body never ever looking the same...The picture of you and Tom - was that by any chance at The Palace Resort in Cozumel?

Trevor is absolutley adorable...

erin said...

gosh do i know how you feel! despite the weight being gone, the tummy is not at all flat. like you said, totally worth it! but it's hard to feel good about yourself. i just look at what i have to show for it! :)

Kalle said...

I'm in the same boat as you (sort of). I've lost all my baby weight and have no stretch marks but my body has changed. My tummy is no longer toned (I'm working on that), my boobs are too big (hoping they go down once nursing is done).

The body just changes. I'm still coming to terms with it 8 months later. None of my clothes fit either and I hate shopping now.

I second a plea for a What Not To Wear Mommy special....maybe they could come to Canada????

Lea Liz said...

I couldn't have put this any better for myself!! I think we all go through this! I gained 65 lbs while pregnant nad have lost it all byt my belly is not pretty and your boobs will eventually go down!! We ahve to look at what we got :)

nataliekate said...

I read your blog every now and then, but have never commented - and thought I should on this post! I was about 110 when I got pregnant (but I'm 5'8" so that was very thin). My daughter just turned three and I now weigh 120, but look much healthier and my husband likes the extra 10 lbs. I've been at 120 since she was about 2 months old, but my body still continually changed for over a year. The first summer after she was born, I would not wear a bikini because of a few stretch marks and sags, but the past 2 summers, that's all I've been in because they have faded a lot, and tightened up. SO your body will continue to change for a while so just keep watching it! :)

But I did feel the same way you do for a long time!

Leah said...

Don't feel bad. At least you were able to wear one at some point in your life. I looked like I had children long before I ever did! You are pretty friggin lucky to never even have to work for it!

Stephanie RN BSN (to be!) said...

It's ok to be upset about it; you're allowed to miss your old body! I think it's inherent in women to struggle with self image...I have yet to talk to a woman who is 100% comfortable with every part of her body.

However, as someone who struggles with liking her body, I can say I understand completely how you feel, just in a different way (since I've not had a baby yet!). I've found that for every part of my body I hate, I try to find something I DO like. It's hard sometimes but eventually, you can start to put your feelings in perspective. I have days when I hate everything about myself but I also have days when the imperfections don't stand out so blatantly.

But remember, it's ok to struggle with how you look; you've been through a major change! Just don't let yourself get so down about your new body that you miss all the wonderful things in your life :)

The Riggs Family said...

I know how you feel, but you're right...they're battle wounds and proof of what you did in the name of love.

Your hubby probably finds you even more attractive now. Your body is the body that carried his son.

And you'll drop a bra size or two when you're done nursing.

Just take it one day at a time. Take Trevor on lots of walks (that helped me tone back up) and be patient with your body. You'll find clothes that fit and feel comfortable in your own skin soon enough. :-)

Dianne said...

Aww, try not to worry about it so much; Even though yucky little lines will fade! Also you can use a retin A product AFTER you are done breast feeding and if you are NOT pregnant. It will get better!!!! And besides one pieces can be sexy too!!!!

Peppermint Patty said...

Erin,
You are not alone. Your body WILL NEVER be the same. I don't care how old someone is when they have kids.

I joke around that they wreak havoc on our bodies...saggy boobs, weak bladder, memory gone.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.
<3

amanda said...

i can't say i know how you feel as far as being skinny. i have never been. but i struggle with feeling: fat, ugly, etc etc etc...that's when god spoke to me through the song more beautiful you...i encourage you to check out my post about it:
http://aproudmommyof4.blogspot.com/2010/02/more-beautiful-you.html

Nicole said...

I am really dreading and worried about this too :( Find a solution and let me know! Haha
I left you an award!

Tiffany said...

OMG! I am SO right there with you and I am refusing to buy clothes in a big size and even when I try things on in a bigger size they just don't fit right. I can no longer where anything that is tight around my stomach and my boobs, well lets not go there. You are TOTALLY not alone, but yes of course it is worth it. I am dreading the Summer because I unlike you still have 15 pounds to go, which I am beginning to think will now ALWAYS be here. Oh and BTW I would die to be only 122.

The Beaver Bunch said...

Makes me think of Proverbs 31:30 which says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

I'll trade my "old" body for the one with these baby-given battle wounds any day. ANY DAY.

MacKenzie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MacKenzie said...

Hey Erin,

I left a comment once before but yes my body will never be the same sadly! After having 2 boys I am forever going to wear tankini's.

BTW my mother in law bought our two month old a lil' peanut onesie from baby Gap! You need to check it out :) I thought of you when I saw it!!!

E. Williamson said...

Same here.. I am 5'9" and weighed 130 before I got pregnant. I finally got back down to my weight (even below at times) but my body still isn't the same. Luckily I can wear a bikini again because I didn't get stretch marks, but I totally feel ya. No matter what, you look different. Your tummy muscles stretch to the moon and back and let's face it... it's hard to get them back in shape (even if you DON't have stretch marks). I try so hard not to complain about my body, but I still think about the same things all the time. I can't figure out how Bryce thinks I am still attractive. He is always trying to make be feel better but it doesn't help. it's something that I have to get through by myself. I swear they need to make a Post Baby wardrobe. Clothes just ARE'NT the same!!! :)

E. Williamson said...

And I forgot to mention that I was a B cup before and now I am much smaller. That's disappointing in itself. :(

Mike and Katie said...

Totally agree! What Not to Wear Nursing Mothers version!!! Easy access, easy clean, hides lope-sidedness when the baby only nurses on one side!