Thursday, July 16, 2009

Still Hurting

My friend just told me she is pregnant with her second child. She has a son who is a year and a half and a stepson who is 7. Here's my question..why did it hurt to get the news? I don't get it. I am 6 months pregnant and I felt pain when hearing a pregnancy announcement? It was the same pain as before I was pregnant..the happiness of a new life, but sadness that I wasn't responsible. Six days, six months, six years..I don't think that familiar pain will ever go away.

That being said, I wanted to post lyrics to an amazing song that jumped out when I heard it. This is for all you women still waiting on your miracle. You have no idea how often each of you are on my mind. .

One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum

"You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

One day you will
Oh one day you will"

I find myself already stressing about our second child. Will it come easy? Will we be surprised? Will we need to do IVF again? Will it take more than one try this time around? I only have a few months left of this pregnancy and I'm dreading going back to not being pregnant. Of course, we will have our sweet girl as a product of our blood, sweat and tears..but I will be go from a pregnant infertile woman to an infertile woman. Sigh..


Kriss said...

I can assure you with time it will get easier and not be so painful. The bad thing about infertility is it takes the whimsy out of the whole process of just making love to your husband and making something from that love. It steals the joy. I can tell you though that you will never forget but it does get easier. As someone who has NEVER been pregnant, time does heal. -kriss

ASHLEY said...

Oh, I know the hurt you feel. It took me years to get pregnant with my son. Then after he was born my husband and I decided not to ever prevent pregnancy knowing how hard it was for me to get pregnant. It took us 18 long months to get pregnant again, and we lost that baby. I was so heartbroken. I hated seeing other pregnant women and hated hearing that someone was expecting. We got pregnant on the first try after I had my d&c. Now, I have two kids and my little girl is 18 months old and I have not gotten pregnant since she was born even though we have never prevented it. I have the baby bug again and am getting to have those old feelings again. I am sorry to tell you this but you might hurt for along time. Just because you know its not easy to get pregnant. It also hurts when you see people that don't really want kids and they get pregnant so easily. I would love to have a house full but that may never happen for me. But, maybe after you have this baby it will be easy for you and your husband. I told my husband the other day that I would never prevent any pregnancies. I have two beautiful children and I am so thankful for them but I am still hurt because I know how hard it is for me and my hubby to have our babies. Good luck to you, i hope its easier for you.

Laura said...

This is such an amazing song! I'm not struggling the same way you are, but definetly at a point of struggle in my life. Sometimes I find so much comfort in songs like this. Thanks for sharing Erin - it's been so great to follow your story! :)

Saffy said...

Although I don't struggle as such to get pregnant, my problem is in staying pregnant. And yep, I can relate to that hurt in some ways.

I can fess here that I seem to split people I know who tell me they're pregnant into one of two camps: the 'flippant pregnant' ones whose biggest struggle seems to be whether to go with the beige or the mint cot cover :p and the 'pregnant strugglers' - I guess the group I can empathise with - who you feel a sense of collective joy with when you hear of their pregnancies because you know just how hard they've tried to get to that point, and how in love they are with the idea of being parents (which I know the first group could be too, just it's different).

The Laughlins said...

I don't even know you and your post brought tears to my eyes.
I stumbled across your blog accidentally and have read it and kept up with you, a complete stranger.
I, however, do not have fertility problems, so I can not relate. I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first child, so maybe I read because we have that in common.
My guess is that you felt that way because this child of yours doesnt feel 'real' yet.
I know mine doesn't. Even with a finished nursery, baby items all over the house and all the kicks and movements I feel, it is still not a 'real' feeling for me. I guess it hasn't set in that I'm going to be a mother, and I don't think it really will until I'm in that hospital bed.
I pray for your growing family and hope you find peace in motherhood.

Stephanie said...

I can't imagine how you must feel...what it must be like to try so hard at something you want so badly when it comes so easily to others. I pray that one day that announcement won't be such a difficult one to hear and I pray that your second will be a smooth ride :) Hugs!

Joy said...

It will probably get better once your darling baby is finally in your arms. *HUGS*

Meant to be a mom said...

Oh my goodness I know exactly what your saying. Its like no matter how real all of this is its not completely real until we have these babies in our arms alive and well. Until then we are terrified and its almost unreal that they will be ours. Maybe thats why that pain still happens when we find out others are pregnant.
Also I worry all the time and talk with my hubby about our next baby. What if Ivf doesn't work? What if it takes years, what if, what if? I think its normal when you have fertility problems. The unknown is so scary. Prayer, thats all we can do. I'll keep praying for you guys and I'll also add in some special help them in the future prayers for your next. :)

Jess said...

I hope it gets better for you once you have you gorgeous baby in your arms. I think a part of you will always be infertile and because of that, you will cherish every moment with yoru sweet baby girl because of that.

The song is beautiful and the first time I heard it, I thought of myself and my infertility!

Susan Sene said...

I felt the same way...don't feel bad. I think, for me, it was just because I was upset that not everybody understands how hard it is for some people to become a mother like their heart desires. It's like, it's not fair - it shouldn't be that easy for some...especially when they're not even grateful and the baby is seen more as a nuisance because it was unplanned and/or they don't feel well. But then I bring myself back to knowing that God's plans are different for everybody. Be encouraged that your feelings are normal and don't feel guilty.

twondra said...

I'm so sorry. :( I'm sure it will get better when your girl is born. (((HUGS)))

☆ Loren ☆ said...

Hang in there, I hope this pregnancy doesn't go by to fast and you get to soak up every moment.

We're in Tennessee by the way, just outside the Memphis area. We did stay in Kentucky for awhile last year when Jon was traveling. To bad your not coming to my area, I would love the chance to do lunch and see that cute belly in person! :)

beth ewing said...

as some with secondary infertility i have to say it's not a whole lot better on this side but i do know that days i get depressed at a pregnancy announcement, i look at my little miracle and it does make me feel better. so i think when you have that precious girl in your arms, you'll feel a little better.

Christa @ Quintooples said...

It NEVER goes away. Never.

The sting of infertility NEVER goes away. It's the easiness that other people have getting pregnant that stings.

I always say...even after 5 children, the sting is there. My SIL got pregnant after trying for literally less than a month. They started trying and got pregnant the same cycle. I already had my five, and I was SO SO SO SO happy for her...excited to FINALLY be an aunt, but the sting was there.

I hate that sting.

I want to be 100% healed and happy for these women, but there is always a part of me that wonders, why it could not be that easy for me.

Even when I did get pregnant easily I suffered miscarriage after miscarriage (5 total)....

It's hard.

Don't EVER believe that having a baby will solve all of the mental issues from infertility. The hurt is always there. Infertility hurts.

Peppermint Patty said...

Sweetie, please just take the time and enjoy your pregnancy. Don't worry about #2 baby or other's pregnancy's.

Be happy for Hadley in your life and that you are having a beautiful baby girl!!


Staci said...

What a beautiful song. I hope hearing about others expecting gets easier for you. It's such a tough place to be in.