Monday, May 4, 2009

Reminiscing

This week marks one year since my family's bi-annual Disney trip. It also marks one year since getting our first negative following a medicated cycle. Lets take a little trip down memory lane..

I had my annual gyno appointment for February 5th, 2008. It was about 2 weeks after I turned 21 years old. I was in disbelief that I wasn't pregnant yet, since we had been trying for a year. At my appointment, I told her that we had been trying for one year and she said, Lets do something about it! She gave me a prescription for Clomid, HcG, and Crinone. She said..do this and Ill see you back in a month if it doesn't work. In the meantime, we were told to get a semen analysis for Tom.

I went home and researched Clomid and was immediately planning for triplets. It seemed to be this miracle drug. I took the Clomid and surprisingly, didnt have many side effects. I went in mid-cycle for them to administer the HcG injection. My hip was sore for days; I thought I knew what pain was then. I used my Crinone as directed and was counting on a positive result. Tom scheduled his S.A. for the morning we were leaving for FL. The office had limited hours and he couldn't take time off before we were leaving on a 7 day vacation. Then..we were off. I kept thinking how romantic it would be to tell Tom that I was pregnant by Cinderellas castle. I didn't drink by the pool, just in case. I was even hesitant to go on roller coasters. Well, 2 days into our trip, my world came crashing down. I went into the bathroom at the Magic Kingdom to find blood in my panties. How could this be? My period is here, and early? I was upset that my Disney world dream turned into a nightmare. Thoughts started running through my head about the next cycle. I would need to start Clomid again while still in FL. Would they fax me a prescription? I called right away to tell them my sad news. I was crushed when they told me I would not be given one that month, since the S.A. results were still pending. That is when I knew I needed to call a fertility clinic. When we got home, that is exactly what I did.

Sitting in that office, waiting for our first consultation was an experience in itself. The women look down, not at each other. If you do happen to catch a glimpse of someone, you can see the pain in their eyes. One woman was being asked if she knew who her OB was going to be. That made me feel better. I thought, okay, this place works!

The first two months there consisted of a higher dose of Clomid, paired with diagnostic testing. Every test came back normal. I found myself frustrated that they couldn't "fix" us if they didn't know what was wrong! After three months on Clomid, I told him I wanted to do something more aggressive. We moved onto IUI's with injectibles. My first cycle went wonderfully. I had 4 mature follicles at trigger time and got the multiples talk. I was excited that if we got pregnant, we would have a baby(s) for our anniversary. That cycle ended with a negative and a nice cyst to go along with it. I had to take the next month off, much to my dismay. That ended up being a super long cycle...38 days, I think. I jumped back on the horse in October. Again, we had a great response and ended with nothing. For our final two IUI cycles, I requested doing back to back IUI's. I thought, if you ovulate 24-36 hours post trigger, we would cover more of the time when two IUI's. That ended up just costing us more money and being more emotionally taxing than one IUI. Between our final IUI sets, we met with the doctor to talk IVF. I asked for one more IUI cycle and in all honesty, it was to keep my head somewhere while waiting to start IVF. We all know how that ended..

IVF was a roller coaster for me. One day I felt hopeful and optimistic, the next I would be doubtful and sad. I honestly don't know how I made it through. (I have a cute hubby and a lot of blogger friends to thank for that!) IVF gave us our miracle baby as well as 4 frozen possibilities.

Typing all of this, I cant help but that-is that really what my last year was like? I feel like I have been viewing this persons life..witnessing the appointments, injections, money spent, negatives..yet its not me. Especially with the IVF process..did I really do that?

The answer is YES, I made it through. And the answer is YES, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Because of infertility, I will be a better mother.
Because of infertility, I will not take anything for granted.
Because of infertility, I am in a much deeper love with my husband.
Because of infertility, I became closer to my family.
Because of infertility, I have made some amazing friends in the blog world.
Because of infertility, I view each day as a miracle of its own.

I would choose the path of infertility over another any day. If I didn't, our little Peanuts heart would not be beating away this very second.

18 comments:

Mush said...

What a journey!

Your emotions must be going crazy after all that!

I'm so pleased for you and it's great that you have so much support from friends and family.

Take it easy x

Kelly said...

I can't imagine going through that journey of emotions! I am so happy that you are pregnant now! YEAH...babies rule!

Ashley said...

Love this post!! So true at the end of how IF makes you a better person!!

Christa @ Quintooples said...

Infertility is a blessing in disguise. Really it is. I will say that the scar is big and it never really goes away. It fades a little, but it's *always* there.

Bri said...

Wonderful post! It is amazing the things we can do to make our dreams come true.

Meant to be a mom said...

I love this post! Its so true to the infertility world. So many of us can truly feel exactly what you went through. I'm so happy that your able to look back on this journey and have this baby now to look forward to. Its such an amazing journey that I feel like God chooses special people to embark on. Only those of us with a strong support system and those of us strong and willing to work through it no matter what.
Great Post!

twondra said...

Awwww, that's so sweet. I'm so glad you shared that with us. Thank you! (((HUGS)))

Jess said...

I love this post...thank you for sharing! I can't believe a year ago you were feeling so blue. Now look, you have a beautiful baby on the way (lol, didn't mean to make that rhyme).

Stephanie said...

Wow....hearing your story makes me even happier for what you're experiencing right now!

Stacey said...

You absolutely did the right thing! And you will be a better mother and wife because of everything you have been through. And your child(ren) will be that much stronger also because they have such strong parents and family. Congrats again. You must have to pinch yourself every morning to make sure this isn't all a dream!

Sorry the last Disney trip wasn't the greatest. Next years trip will certainly be special as a family of 3!

Charity said...

You have such great perspective. And such a great attitude. I'm sure it was a rough year no doubt, but it will fade and soon enough you will be holding your reward in your arms!

Christa @ Quintooples said...

Thought you might like my take on Mother's Day. :)

http://www.quintooples.com/2009/05/week-of-celebration-for-me.html

Stace said...

I love reading your posts. I feel like we've been through very similar paths simply because of our ages and having IVF work aruond the same time. Isn't it amazing how much life can change in a year? And I completely agree-- despite the heartache and pain associated with doing all of the cycles, I wouldn't have done anything differently. If I had, I wouldn't have what I have now-- the little miracle babies. :) And I, too, feel like I am infinitly better for going through all that I have gone through. It's made me a better person, it's made my marriage stronger, it's made me closer to my family, and it's made me realize what truly matters most.

FireWife425 said...

Your post was worded so perfectly... the discourgement & frustration, the "looking down", the miracle baby that you now carry...
It's soooo worth, isn't it?!

♥Tabitha said...

Perfectly stated...I love it!

Sue said...

Thanks for the recap. Your story is amazing, and you will be a great mama!

We have Angel Wings said...

Love this post and I agree that in the end IF makes us a better person.

Tiffany said...

So VERY true. Thank you for sharing. It has made us better people.