Friday, December 5, 2008

Feeling Low

I took my first Clomid pill tonight and realized this may be the last month I ever take it. It is a bittersweet feeling. I have been on this horrible drug that causes headaches, mood swings and hot flashes for over 7 months. You would think I am dying to not have to take it. I think it is me realizing that a little pill wasn't enough and we have to move onto the strong stuff..IVF.

I have no expectations for this cycle. I have no hope, no faith, no optimism. I am empty. I am going to simply go with the motions..clomid, shots, IUI's, progesterone check, beta. I am not allowing myself to believe this is our cycle. I've done it month after month and cant do it anymore.

I think the main reason I wanted to do one last IUI is because I am in denial that I will need to go through the IVF process to get pregnant. I am 21 years old, I have never taken a single birth control pill, never had an abortion. Ive never had an irregular period. I have a young, healthy husband with super sperm. Why do we have to pay thousands of dollars and suffer emotionally in order to make our dreams a reality?

I know we could have it worse. Some people go to the doctors and are told they will never have biological children. Some people have recurring miscarriages. Some people have no insurance and can not afford infertility treatments. Days like this, I have to sit back and remember, it could be worse.

I want to be a mama. I need to be a mama. I was born to be a mama. Please, God, make me one.


twondra said...

((((HUGS))) I can relate to those feelings all too well. It's hard to understand why God would allow people to want babies to struggle so much while others have abortions. It's just not fair. I'm thinking of you sweetie!

amanda said...

it all doesn't seem fair. but when you completely trust and hope in god it all seems a bit better. look up romans 8:28. {he works ALL things out for GOOD.} not just some things but all of them, hope in that. this road may not be easy, but when you're holding that precious baby in your arms it'll all be so worth it.

Ashley said...

Don't give up honey! You will get your baby!! I'm praying for you:) I have a feeling this will be your cycle!!

Dan and Gretchen said...

You can do it, but you MUST have Faith!!!
The hardest part to understand is God's timing is NEVER late, but it's NEVER early either.
I promise you, there is nothing to be scared of with IVF. If this is the route you were meant to take, you will be just fine. Start asking questions, and put your mind at ease.
You will get your baby/ies, and when it happens it will all have been worth the wait :)
Hang in there Erin, I've been there too...and God will reward you too for trusting in Him.

Dave and Elaine said...

I feel the same way about you...It seems bizare to need IVF with you so young and good sperm!! That was why I asked about the lap surgery to see if endo may be the cause of you not getting pregnant from IUI. But if you have already discussed these things with your dr. and feel at peace about exploring all other options, God will give you the strength and grace to endure IVF if indeed that is the route He has chosen for you. Remember, all this is for His ultimate glory and he will sustain you and give you the strength to walk each step if you rely on Him.
There are days that it is just a dark dark day and you feel you can't see any light. When you feel that way know all your infertility blogger friends are praying for you and lifting you up to the Father who loves you more than anyone else.
Praying for you, especially today...

Kalle said...

I can't relate or imagine what you are going through. I know it must be hard and you show amazing strength and positivity through this tough time. Don't give up hope you will be a mama one day - it just seems your road will be longer than others.

Thank you for sharing all your trials with us. Wishing you all the best for this cycle.

Love my 2 BoYs! said...

I found your blog through reading "my charming kids". I can definitely say I feel your pain! I went through the same thing almost 5 years ago at age 25 (just never ovulated on my own), did all the same things your are doing, finally after about a year, we fianlly got pregnant with our son. I had done clomid, iui's, and so on... Then my first month of follistim shots,HCg and lots of progesterone it happened. It will happen for you, dont give up, I know its hard. The main reason I wanted to comment, was we are now trying again and going through the same process, instead of Clomid this time we are trying Femara/Letrizol, and it works like Clomid except none of the yucky side effects! I have responded to it where I didnt Clomid, you should ask your Dr. I will remember you in my prayers, maybe this will be the month, just try to keep the faith!

WantWait&Pray said...

I have been there...and I am so sorry..It really so so unfair that some women have to go through this...question whether God will reward us for these struggles with a baby, or two. Someone said the other day that God answers prayers in 3 ways; "Yes", "Not Yet" and "I have a better plan for you". I am positive he hears your prayers and all of our IF prayers...and he will answer in one of those 3 ways! Hugs!!!

Sarah said...

Praying for you... I remember the hard days. Hang on... sometimes there are days you just want to give it up... just trust that God knows where He is leading you. I will con't to pray for you and your husband! Keep the faith!

Tabitha said...

I am so sorry...I know your words all to well, they feel so much like my own sometimes! But PLEASE don't give up faith...God is still there walking right beside you the whole way! Lean on him, and someday you'll look back at this and know he was with you!! (((Hugs)))

Jess said...

I just had the same talk with God...I am so glad he heard you!